Toddler dad picking up and touching other people's kids at playgroups

[Babycatsarenice]

I've come across a Dad in the local park who once weirdly sort of patted my daughter's back when she was crawling past in the playground. Recently at at toddler group I saw the same Dad picking up someone else's kid and putting her on a chair and also messing about withanother kids hat. Strikes me as wierd I never really touch other people's toddlers unless to stop them falling over or falling on another kid. I think he shouldn't do this. AIBU?

Shabbysock · Yesterday 19:55
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I think he's a brave man because he will get reactions like this, but I wish it was different and men (anyone actually) were allowed to interact with children in public.

This. No wonder it’s so difficult to recruit men into childcare and primary teaching.
Likes kids - must be a pervert.

Touching random children in public for no apparent reason is not observing normal boundaries around children, especially for a man.

I’m just sad that so many people are vilifying OP for flagging a potential safeguarding issue. This is exactly the behaviour that paedophiles rely on. I’m not saying that this guy is a paedophile by any means but shaming women who are raising a potential red flag is only going to enable harm to children.

Is there a reason why we should want to recruit men into caring for young children specifically? How do we mitigate the additional risk to children they present?

I often interact with other peoples children in public; they always initiate the interaction and I don't think I've ever needed to touch one of them, outside of an emergency.

You could eliminate the possibility of your child being hit by a car by never letting them set foot on a pavement or anywhere that vehicles might be found. In the long term, would that make the child less or more safe?

Except nowhere have i said I do that, but sure, make the victims of child abuse the bad guys, not the men who commit the abuse. I despair.

Clearly, anyone who commits child abuse is a bad guy. Treating all men as abusers, and ensuring that men never physically interact with children is not, many would argue, a healthy way for children to be raised.

Possibly because he wasn't behaving unusually?

Reminds me of a thread on here some months ago where a poster had mentioned their nephew working in a nursery and roughly 80% of the replies were talking about it being weird because he was a man and the only reason a man would work in a nursery is so that he had access to children.

What goes through some peoples heads that any man is instantly peado?

Well lucky I didn't do that then 🙄

It's really sad that the depraved few have made these interactions so suspect, as we're a social species and there's alot of good from finding kind gestures in strangers.

I have a 19 month old and he has these micro interactions frequently at playgroup (where parents are all with the kids) or in toddler classes, where he'll back up into someone and they'll touch his head with a smile etc, it's almost a reflex of people with young children. At soft play the other day I must have handled three other kids, crying with no parents around stuck in various places and it was no problem, probably because I'm a woman. My husband took a turn following our toddler around and he had to think twice before helping a few though he did. It's a sad state of affairs.

If a strange man that I didn't know placed his hand on my back as I was busy (packing my shopping for example or standing on a tube train) I would find that highly unusual and I would be quite disturbed by it and probably tell them to get their hands the fuck off me.

Why is an unknown man allowed to touch a child they don't know in this way?

How does asking a question about behaviour and boundaries around children relating to the group of people statistically most likely to sexually abuse make her a ‘danger to society’ exactly?

I’d say that vilifying that woman (even if her suspicions may be unfounded in that specific case) is the dangerous action. Paedophiles rely on whistleblowers being silenced.

And how do we tell the difference between these bad guys and the good guys before they do too much harm?

Because having half the adult population, not looking out for our children makes them less safe. The vast majority of abuse and children is from people known to them not a friendly stranger at a toddler group.

No, I didn't say YOU don't let any adult to or touch your child.

this is all, understandably, touching a nerve for you and I don't wish to argue with you. I'm very, very sorry for what happened to you as a child. What boundaries you have for your children are up to you it doesn't mean I have to agree that it's a good thing or makes children safer, but as I have said several times now, I really don't want to argue with you.

We keep an eye on things, of course. What do they do in other countries where it’s considered normal for men to be more hands-on with children? Or do we just assume that we’re right, and everyone else is wrong?

Just came on to say the EXACT thing! The poor bloke.

No woman I know would place their hand on the back of a child they didn't know that was just randomly playing in a play park.

I wouldn't either.

It's a really creepy thing to do.

Yes, we keep an eye on things.

Which is what OP was doing but is getting vilified for and told she is a danger to society for doing so. That is not going to be good for child safeguarding in general.

The trouble is, as he is male, he is statistically a greater risk to children than a female. Obviously not all men are a risk but we can’t predict which ones will be so we need to be vigilant of all. We have to be able to discuss this without being accused of being a ‘danger to society’ as one pp suggested.

Most normal men understand this and tend to ensure that their actions could never be construed as being creepy or inappropriate to make it clear they are not a bad guy. This guy obviously didn’t get the memo.

OP doesn’t just say she’s keeping an eye on things. She describes the man’s behaviour as weird, twice. Not friendly, or good-natured, or fatherly, but weird. She’s very obviously implying that he’s up to no good.

Why would men not look out for children just because child abusers exist and society is aware of that fact? Are we all meant to pretend they don't exist for some reason?

I don't want to argue either but being told I'm a danger to children, just because I was abused and that means I prioritise child safety over men's feelings, is the most sickening, hurtful thing I've ever been told by someone on here, so yes, I am upset by that.

Imo, a man touching random strange children unnecessarily IS weird.

I made a previous comment that good guys who understand child safeguarding take care not to do anything that could be misconstrued. You might say that it’s a shame they have to do that but let’s blame the paedophiles for that, not the women looking out for the safety of kids.

Of course it’s a shame that men must avoid all contact with children for fear of being branded a paedophile. It’s a ridiculous state of affairs.

Some men are just magnets for little kids - my own dad was one. And he loved babies and tiny kids.

He worked as a college lecturer that had a nursery on-site for staff and students kids. And when they needed someone to help with evacuating the babies in the case of a fire alarm/emergency. Someone with kid experience, and strong and confident enough to manage a baby in each arm... My dad was happy to volunteer. I remember him saying at the time, he couldn't understand why the other men on the staff didn't volunteer, as most of them were dads themselves.

This sort of "adult male dared to touch my child" hatred is just a horrible attitude to go around with. You wouldn't have even blinked if it had been a woman.