DO I SAY SOMETHING? I don’t think I can let this one go - want to keep the peace for my mums sake

[howtosupport90]

I visited my mum today. Mum lives with my stepdad, who has been in my life since I was a teenager. We used to be so close, but in the past few years he’s become very grumpy, I have to make small talk and he never asks how I am etc when I am there to pick my son up etc. there are a few comments he’s made where I’ve bitten my tongue as I don’t want to make a scene or don’t know how to respond in front of my son.

well today, I wanted to take my new baby round (3 weeks old). He was out when I got there but came home as we were having lunch. Baby was sleeping on the sofa, he didn’t say anything, didn’t acknowledged the baby despite walking past the sofa about 4 times. My mum then went to tidy up and so I tried to make small talk, asking how he was. About 20 minutes later I went and sat with my baby and he said ‘so you’ve got your baby then, you need to make sure you’re not at risk of another pregnancy’. No congratulations, no how are you, no nothing. I responded by just saying I’m not and that I’ve got a dr appointment to talk about contraception, but that was it.

I left 1/2 hour later and I just feel like it’s really got to me. He didn’t even acknowledge the baby, look at her or ask anything about how I am. I’m sad it’s come to this, but I really don’t think I can not say anything. It’s so awkward when I’m round there and this has made me realise that clearly he either doesn’t care or I’ve done something to upset him.

i did ask my mum about 2 years ago if I had upset him and she said no, he’s just tired, but he will happily talk about windfarms and cars, but will NEVER ask how I am!

would you let it go, or say something? I want to message him, but I don’t want to upset my mum or put her in a difficult situation, as I can see that she clearly feels awkward too when he’s shitty with me. I don’t like confrontation so that’s why I didn’t say anything when I’m there, but it isn’t going to get any better unless o say how I feel is it?!

Sounds a bit like it could be because he is fed up of your visits and the childcare. Do you rely on your Mum a lot. Maybe ask your Mum to come to your house for a while.

I think I would probably just arrange to see your mum elsewhere, he clearly isn’t interested. If she asks why just explain you don’t feel welcome due to his behaviour towards you. I don’t think you’re going to be able to get him to change, it sounds like it’s just how he is now. I definitely wouldn’t message him.

How old is he, if this is a gradual personality change he may be developing dementia. Maybe your mum has noticed but doesn’t want to speak about it? If he wasn’t that ‘direct’ before (and what he said was incredibly rude) I’d be concerned about his health firstly. But if they refuse to recognise that he’s possibly unwell or certainly very rude, you don’t have to put yourself in his company.

@Viviennemary thank you, my mum only has my son twice a month and that was her asking to have him, we have always said we don’t want them to feel they have to look after him. She invited me round for lunch today

This is sort of the feeling I got as well, do you rely on them physically/financially/for childcare? It sounds like he wasn’t particularly happy about you having another child but without context there’s no way of saying if he’s being unreasonable or is justified.

As an example I’m married with a child, my husband and I have our own home and are independent, we don’t rely on my parents for money/childcare etc, my parents see their grandchild regularly but we are not in any way dependent on them and so if they made a comment like this I’d be confused and annoyed because it makes no difference to them whatsoever.

But if I was a single mum who was at my mum’s house all the time, relying on my mum for childcare or dependent on their financial/practical assistance, then I could understand them making a comment because actually me having another child would be impacting his life.

@Simplynotsimple thank you, there is no sign of dementia as far as I’m aware, and he’s fine when his family are around. I think there may be a bit of jealously as he doesn’t see his grandchild, but that’s not my fault.

He sounds like a dick. Why are you telling him you have a GP appointment? It’s none of his business!

He sounds a miserable git.. Ignore and keep your relationship tip top with your dm. Poor woman has to live with him!!
Side note - please don't leave a baby sleeping on a sofa...

@Mrsttcno1 thank you, and I do understand this perspective. But for context, my son goes to nursery 3 days a week and we said we’d put him in 4 days but she said she’d like him once every 2 weeks. I am on maternity leave now and I said to her she didnt have to have our son if she didn’t want to, but she does. I don’t go round regularly, and am fully independent both house and finance wise.

@Gemmawemma9 i think I was so shocked I didn’t know how to react!

@Easterbunnygettingsorted thank you, to clarify she was in a sleepyhead and was not left unattended at all.

I'd guess your children have had quite an impact on his and your mother's life.

That's no excuse for his behaviour but might explain why he's concerned about you having more.

The whole grumpy old man thing really does happen. My dad is way grumpier than he used to be. I think it's partly not caring what others thing anymore and partly anxiety at getting older, not being able to do what you could and not being able to look after everyone the way he used to, which worries him.

My DH's death knocked him for six, not just because he grieved for DH, which he did, but because he thought he'd handed over "responsibility" for me and DGC, which might sound bonkers when your children are young, but now mine are adults without a father, I really feel a heavy responsibility of being the only person they have, even thought they are adults (mostly) looking after themselves.

Why are so many posters always desperately trying to make excuses on threads like these? Dementia?! Surely the most straightforward answer is he's just a grumpy arsehole. Come on, we all know far too many men like this, surely.

Always banging on about wind farms and cars, eh... no prizes for guessing which side of the renewable energy debate he'll be on, or which TV channel he gets his information from. God these people are so predictable.

You say you used to be so close, but he’s changed and become “grumpy” in the last few years. Is it possibly depression? Depression in women is more likely to look sad and teary, while depression in men is more likely to look angry and irritable.

@Makebettermen what, twice a month at my mums request?! I’ve always been open and honest with my mum, and I’ve said all along I don’t want them to feel like he is a burden, but she says they like having him!

Because it seems like a big change from his previous behavior with OP, and whenever anyone has a big change in behavior or demeanor, that’s concerning, no matter the cause.

@AaaahBlandsHatch exactly, and he’s fine with his family and friends!

I immediately wondered about dementia too and it's not because I'm trying to make 'excuses' for some man I don't even know. It's because OP mentioned how close they used to be. So there's been a change in the relationship and he's become increasingly grumpy over the last few years.

Now, it could be that he's suddenly morphed into your garden variety arsehole apropos of nothing. But given that OP didn't disclose his age, I don't think it's an unreasonable question to raise even as a possibility.

I'd guess your children have had quite an impact on his and your mother's life.
That's no excuse for his behaviour but might explain why he's concerned about you having more.

What, because the mother looks after the kid twice a month - at her own insistence? WTAF

@YankSplaining but it just feels like it is only with me, not with his daughter or when he’s with his friends, as he’s very chatty and seems happier then! There is no ‘trigger’ I can think of as to when he changed

Perhaps he feels disconnected, because whatever he thinks of you, he knows this grandchild isn't blood related. Perhaps he's filled with sadness.

Or perhaps he's just miserable.

Take him a present. Pick out something not-expensive that he likes. Smile at him before you say hello.

Hmm. Do you think you’d get an honest answer if you explained your feelings to him like you have here?

@mumda thanks, but I think we’re past that! I got him a birthday present and didn’t even get a thank you!

@YankSplaining thats the hard part, I don’t know. I don’t know whether to say something or not, but I don’t want to go round any more because of him.

its really upset me if I’m honest

I'd try and have a private chat with your mum about it, but from the perspective of supporting her as she has to live with him day in day out. How rude he was to you gives you a way to start the conversation going.