DO I SAY SOMETHING? I don’t think I can let this one go - want to keep the peace for my mums sake

[howtosupport90]

I visited my mum today. Mum lives with my stepdad, who has been in my life since I was a teenager. We used to be so close, but in the past few years he’s become very grumpy, I have to make small talk and he never asks how I am etc when I am there to pick my son up etc. there are a few comments he’s made where I’ve bitten my tongue as I don’t want to make a scene or don’t know how to respond in front of my son.

well today, I wanted to take my new baby round (3 weeks old). He was out when I got there but came home as we were having lunch. Baby was sleeping on the sofa, he didn’t say anything, didn’t acknowledged the baby despite walking past the sofa about 4 times. My mum then went to tidy up and so I tried to make small talk, asking how he was. About 20 minutes later I went and sat with my baby and he said ‘so you’ve got your baby then, you need to make sure you’re not at risk of another pregnancy’. No congratulations, no how are you, no nothing. I responded by just saying I’m not and that I’ve got a dr appointment to talk about contraception, but that was it.

I left 1/2 hour later and I just feel like it’s really got to me. He didn’t even acknowledge the baby, look at her or ask anything about how I am. I’m sad it’s come to this, but I really don’t think I can not say anything. It’s so awkward when I’m round there and this has made me realise that clearly he either doesn’t care or I’ve done something to upset him.

i did ask my mum about 2 years ago if I had upset him and she said no, he’s just tired, but he will happily talk about windfarms and cars, but will NEVER ask how I am!

would you let it go, or say something? I want to message him, but I don’t want to upset my mum or put her in a difficult situation, as I can see that she clearly feels awkward too when he’s shitty with me. I don’t like confrontation so that’s why I didn’t say anything when I’m there, but it isn’t going to get any better unless o say how I feel is it?!

"he said ‘so you’ve got your baby then, you need to make sure you’re not at risk of another pregnancy’."

I replied "what the fuck has that got to do with you?" <hard stare>

He sounds like my Dad would be if I were young, single, having children without being married/long term partner around.

So is he casting judgement on some aspect of your life, age, marital status etc?

I'd say something at the time - 'what business is it of yours how I manage my sexual health?' rather than after the fact. THeres no point bringing it up with your Mother later as she didn't hear it, wasn't involved.

Just wondering if you have another family member you can cage him with? Has anyone else noticed his behavior towards you.

You mom must have noticed and felt terrible about it, but is it fair to put his actions on her. She clearly doesnt want to rock the boat. Also i fear she may be under control in the relationship and will have to side with him in an argument.

Maybe if you and your partner invited them both around and your partner could pull him up if he acts up.

And you have a 6 year old too?

Wow op, your gall in having two kids.

And in accepting your Mum looking after them twice a month.

I wonder what he'd make of the grandparents at my school - who do drop offs, pickups, childcare, homeworks, dinners ..... It's so.common, there's a grandparents lunch at the start of each term.

Despite what your mum said, I think your step dad has an issue with you.
Maybe it actualy started with your first child, or quite a while ago.
And your mum knows what ps going on but is doing the same thing that you - trying to ignore to keep the peace because she wants to carry on seeing you.

Well according to the OP’s other thread she had a son in 2019 🤔

Is your son there all day? How does he get on with your DH -could it be to do with that - are you much wealthier and he bears a grudge?
How much family does DSF have -do you have siblings.
I would think asking him when he is on his own ie your DM isn’t there to intervene. What have you done, you’d like to have your old relationship with him. Don’t accuse him but it would let him see it upsets you but without having a scene.

And?

And???

Plus don’t you change some details in your posting to make it less identifiable?

She clearly doesnt want to rock the boat. Also i fear she may be under control in the relationship and will have to side with him in an argument.

If the mother was posting here, I think we'd be telling her she was in an abusive relationship.

Yeah, her other child that her mum has been caring for twice a month and is currently in nursery 3 days a week. Then this one who is 3 weeks old. That’s how I read it?

There is also a nursery age child who the mum is having twice a month and has been for an unspecified period of time.

@howtosupport90 how old is he and was he onboard with your mum having your older son? Or did she decide she wanted to do this against his wishes potentially? Is he feeling put out because he doesn't like having a small child around for whole days regularly? My father would never have tolerated it because it wasn't in his mind that grandparents ever do childcare and he was of a 'children should be seen and not heard' mindset. I am not saying your mum shouldn't have your son, but trying to understand where his grumpiness around this has come from. Does he feel she was put upon, even if you don't believe that to be the case? Is he thinking that now you are going to also 'dump' a baby on them? And whether there are going to be additional babies?

in the past few years he’s become very grumpy,

Which coincides with your child appearing.

Seems like he can't be arsed with young kids.

Maybe it's his age too.

(And he doesn't have to see his own grandkids cause of estrangement (?))

2019 would be at school
not nursery

Agree

I think her mum's delight with having her round and getting to watch the baby twice a month (at her own request!) is making him notice that his own children don't have this level of involvement with him. He's actively making the OP feel unwelcome.

Oh I see! Yes that’s a point. Maybe they adjusted the year of birth to avoid being caught on MN? Not sure.

I wouldn't have him around the kids, with this attitude.

How could he be treating them kindly and positively.

I would have your Mum do it in your home if possible, or stop the arrangement.

He’s jealous of your relationship with your mum. We occasionally have this behaviour in our household. Congratulations on the arrival of your baby x

How rude, ignorant and hurtful. No excuses for him. He’s a grumpy, curmudgeonly old git!

I would be worried about dementia too as this is how a relative of mine acted very early in his illness before any other signs.

My dm's partner was like this. Incredibly possessive of my dm and jealous of her family. As a result she ended up living her life with him very separately to the one she had with myself, my siblings and her gc's. He had nothing to do with us and was hideously jealous of us all as my dm had a family who loved her and visited her and his dc's and dgc's didn't have anything to do with him (bc he was a twat to them too). It caused lots of ructions within the family over the years as he was so nasty and rude to us on different occasions.

It ultimately affected my relationship with my dm as it angered me that she wouldn't stand up to him and tell him to wind his neck in and it's affected her relationship with her dgc's. She would never look after them or have them even when we were in a fix. She has 6 gcs all pretty much adults now and has never babysat any of them or spent any meaningful one on one time with any of them. She would visit us on her terms and always had to run to his schedule - panicking if she was going to be late back etc. As a result I became closer to my IL's as they are so generous and helpful and always on hand when we need them, and never ask for anything in return. My dc's are close to them too and love spending time with them.

The upshot of this is that he recently died, a lonely old man with no one but dm by his side (and he was so lucky to have her) he was very bitter and the only people at his funeral were our side of the family (who attended for dm's sake).

Now that he's gone dm is trying to infringe on our time more which I'm pushing back against as i don't have the patience tbh and she wonders why the dgc's don't text her often etc. she doesn't seem to understand that she didn't exactly foster relationships with them and now they don't really think about her much I guess. She also has no real friends and no hobbies as all her spare time was spent with him and everything revolved around him.

She recently asked if my dd's would like to go away for the weekend with her and the truthful answer is that they don't want to. They're not close to her and would find it awkward.

It's a shame - but I'd say just avoid him and see your dm at your house or at a neutral place. Don't put yourself in his path and then he can't be rude to you. Your dm obviously knows what he's like and doesn't challenge him - he's probably a bully like dm's partner was so she keeps quiet to keep the peace.
At least she looks after your dc's, that's something. I wouldn't put myself or my dc's in the company of someone who was rude to me though - fuck him.

Well if he’s at school… I’m wondering if they’re been a lots of school pick ups etc

Reality is… we won’t ever know the reality!

That’s very true! You have to take things at face value and take posters at their word. But if you were right that would change the dynamic.

But I still think even if that’s the case he’s being a child to not just tell her to her face what is problem is. A man of his great age (assuming no mental health problems of course).

Is he possibly jealous of you and your children taking your mum's attention away from him? I'd try and have a word with your mum and explain how much his behaviour has upset you and that he made you feel unwelcome in her home. Invite her to yours to see the children and give him a wide berth. I wouldn't message him without speaking to your mum first.