DO I SAY SOMETHING? I don’t think I can let this one go - want to keep the peace for my mums sake

[howtosupport90]

I visited my mum today. Mum lives with my stepdad, who has been in my life since I was a teenager. We used to be so close, but in the past few years he’s become very grumpy, I have to make small talk and he never asks how I am etc when I am there to pick my son up etc. there are a few comments he’s made where I’ve bitten my tongue as I don’t want to make a scene or don’t know how to respond in front of my son.

well today, I wanted to take my new baby round (3 weeks old). He was out when I got there but came home as we were having lunch. Baby was sleeping on the sofa, he didn’t say anything, didn’t acknowledged the baby despite walking past the sofa about 4 times. My mum then went to tidy up and so I tried to make small talk, asking how he was. About 20 minutes later I went and sat with my baby and he said ‘so you’ve got your baby then, you need to make sure you’re not at risk of another pregnancy’. No congratulations, no how are you, no nothing. I responded by just saying I’m not and that I’ve got a dr appointment to talk about contraception, but that was it.

I left 1/2 hour later and I just feel like it’s really got to me. He didn’t even acknowledge the baby, look at her or ask anything about how I am. I’m sad it’s come to this, but I really don’t think I can not say anything. It’s so awkward when I’m round there and this has made me realise that clearly he either doesn’t care or I’ve done something to upset him.

i did ask my mum about 2 years ago if I had upset him and she said no, he’s just tired, but he will happily talk about windfarms and cars, but will NEVER ask how I am!

would you let it go, or say something? I want to message him, but I don’t want to upset my mum or put her in a difficult situation, as I can see that she clearly feels awkward too when he’s shitty with me. I don’t like confrontation so that’s why I didn’t say anything when I’m there, but it isn’t going to get any better unless o say how I feel is it?!

Wow, thank you all for your comments. I can’t reply to them all, but I definitely feel I want to talk to him / my mum about our strained relationship.

to confirm, yes, I also have a child at school, but my mum doesn’t do ant childcare for him (i.e. no pick ups etc). I still don’t think it makes a different to the comment he made! He has 3 siblings and my mum has 2 so not exactly like we come from small families!

And yes, I do think there is a form of jealously to my family dynamic over how his family are. But I’ve always treated him as part of my family, we used to be so close, but I don’t think he seems me as his anymore, I don’t know why as nothing has happened for that relationship to change so drastically, to my knowledge.

Op are you in a steady relationship and stable finances?

To be honest OP I'd not message him directly just yet, ask your mum again and DO NOT take no for an answer, if she tries to brush it off them tell her exactly what you have told us, and how uncomfortable you are feeling every time you are there.. at the end of the day she knows him better than anyone, and knows exactly what is going on, so her making excuses for him is her wanting to keep the peace and not to tell you the truth of whatever is really bothering him.

If she refuses to play ball then tell her you won't be coming round anymore or letting her have little one, because it is making you feel that uncomfortable. If she wants contact to continue then she needs to fess up, at the end of the day OP it is her job to mediate this situation not gaslight you into thinking it isn't happening!

@Codelive yes, been with DH over 10 years and financially stable, never ask them for money or anything!

I think provided your mum genuinely is happy with him, I'd just let it go and ignore the snark. Its a thing with steps that they can't choose not to have their partners relatives exist so they have to put up with them. He doesn't have to like you or care about your baby (although that's sad)

This wasn’t the first time your mother had seen the new baby?

@sandyhappypeople thank you that’s very good advice, I just don’t want to put my mum in a difficult position

@Codelive no, she’s seen her a few times

First time for him?

@Codelive yes first time for him as he hasn’t come before with her. I was the one that said I wanted to go over so he could meet her, but he wasn’t bothered one bit!

Why doesn’t he?

3 weeks and he’s very local…. Fact he had r bothered to pop in or accompany his wife was the sign of how disinterested he is

Are you very close to your father?

@Codelive yes I have a good relationship with my dad

It sounds like his behavior is really hurtful, especially during such an important time in your life. If you feel comfortable, a gentle message expressing how you feel might help clear the air. Something like, "I’ve noticed some distance between us, and I just wanted to check if I’ve done something to upset you. I’d love for us to be on good terms." This way, you’re opening the door for conversation without being confrontational. If he remains distant, at least you’ll know you tried. Prioritizing your peace is just as important as keeping the peace for your mum. 💛

Could he be jealous?

why doesn’t he see his grandchildren if his family visits?

You say you used to be close. Do your kids call him Grandpa? Could it be that he is hurt that (in his perception) he hasn't been treated like a family member as it pertains to your children and so now he is punishing you by showing no interest?

Or is he jealous because your mums attention isn’t on him when children are there ? Or because you’ve got 9 months ‘off work’ now
or because children are noisy and upset his routine and/or the conversation is about babies and finds that boring and is resentful.

id have a chat with your mum and see what’s going on

I think the people blaming you for being around at your mother’s too much are insane!

She has your child at her desire. It’s not his business. He was rude and dare I say misogynistic. You don’t have to put up with this OP

What is this terrible advice 😂

I can't believe some of the passive comments on here OP. You don't need to take this shit. Just tell him and your mum that you can tell he doesn't like you or want to be around you right now and tell him that you don't want to expose your children to such shitty behaviour so you would prefer not to be in his company until he can be more civil. It's 2025. You really don't have to make yourself so uncomfortable to pacify a shitty man and a wife who's too meek to stand up for her daughter and her grandchildren

He's a dick. You can't fix him.

Totally understand, but she is already in a difficult position, she has obviously decided she going to keep up the pretense that everything is fine, but you know it isn't, but she doesn't get to tell you what behaviour you should be happy to accept from him, he's making you feel unwelcome and I think she owes it to you to tell you straight.

I really do think you need to press the issue with her so you can make an informed decision as to whether you try and pursue some sort of resolution with your SD or just basically write him off.

You could go straight to him and ask him but would he tell you?

@muggart yes they do call him grandad