DO I SAY SOMETHING? I don’t think I can let this one go - want to keep the peace for my mums sake

[howtosupport90]

I visited my mum today. Mum lives with my stepdad, who has been in my life since I was a teenager. We used to be so close, but in the past few years he’s become very grumpy, I have to make small talk and he never asks how I am etc when I am there to pick my son up etc. there are a few comments he’s made where I’ve bitten my tongue as I don’t want to make a scene or don’t know how to respond in front of my son.

well today, I wanted to take my new baby round (3 weeks old). He was out when I got there but came home as we were having lunch. Baby was sleeping on the sofa, he didn’t say anything, didn’t acknowledged the baby despite walking past the sofa about 4 times. My mum then went to tidy up and so I tried to make small talk, asking how he was. About 20 minutes later I went and sat with my baby and he said ‘so you’ve got your baby then, you need to make sure you’re not at risk of another pregnancy’. No congratulations, no how are you, no nothing. I responded by just saying I’m not and that I’ve got a dr appointment to talk about contraception, but that was it.

I left 1/2 hour later and I just feel like it’s really got to me. He didn’t even acknowledge the baby, look at her or ask anything about how I am. I’m sad it’s come to this, but I really don’t think I can not say anything. It’s so awkward when I’m round there and this has made me realise that clearly he either doesn’t care or I’ve done something to upset him.

i did ask my mum about 2 years ago if I had upset him and she said no, he’s just tired, but he will happily talk about windfarms and cars, but will NEVER ask how I am!

would you let it go, or say something? I want to message him, but I don’t want to upset my mum or put her in a difficult situation, as I can see that she clearly feels awkward too when he’s shitty with me. I don’t like confrontation so that’s why I didn’t say anything when I’m there, but it isn’t going to get any better unless o say how I feel is it?!

I don't think I'd message him, I would just give back the same energy he gave me, ie no smalltalk, let him speak first. Visit your mum, not him.

Some people aren’t good at chatting it doesn’t mean they aren’t interested.

Well he obviously doesn’t consider you his daughter does he. That’s the crux of it. He thinks you are an inconvenience alongside your baby and he is not masking his irritation at all.

What do you want him to do? The baby was asleep how was he supposed to acknowledge it?

Depression? Dementia? It sounds more like an overdose of GB news to me.

And for whatever reason he does not consider OP to be part of his family even though it sounds like she's been in his life for a long time.

I could have written your post OP and send my sympathy.
I concentrate on having a good relationship with my mum, preferably at my house or out and about and minimise visits to their house and generally keep out of the way.
I personally have not tackled it as the main person that would be upset is my mum and then me so I don’t see the point in creating unnecessary drama.
I’m polite, send birthday cards and gifts and take an interest in his life and I have lowered my expectations to nothing back.
There will be lots of people insisting on a certain standard of behaviour or going NC but the reality is these relationships are complicated and involve walking a tightrope that keeps most people happy most of the time.

Are you from Mars?

Think for 10 seconds. What would you have done, were it the baby of your stepchild, with whom you had had a close relationship with for a long time?

I suspect it’s this, too. You may need to tread very carefully to avoid putting your Mum in a difficult position and creating the opportunity for a rift to occur.

It’s possible that when with his own family and friends he has stock things to say and talk about, well practiced just same old, same old stuff he’s talked about before. IF he is developing a form of dementia then a new baby would be unpracticed conversation and he doesn’t have the ability now to form that conversation.

It was one of the first things I noticed about a friend when they started to develop Alzheimer’s.
Try not to take it personally but I’d keep an eye on his behaviour in case there are other signs. My friend’s partner tried to cover for them and kerp it hidden until they couldn’t any longer.

I guess the question is do you think saying something would make a difference. It sounds like you might suspect he has a particular issue with you as you reference he’s different with others? If you thought he’d be honest then you could ask why he seems to have changed towards you but he may not admit anything. It could even make things worse. It may just be a case of trying to suggest meeting your mum away from her house as much as possible. You’ve said your mum loves having your DC x2 a month. But do you think he minds? Perhaps it’s that?

In that case he's just a dickhead and doesn't deserve yours or the baby's company! 😆

But what is his point with this comment? Why does he think that you shouldn't have more children?

I would deal with this by picking his statements apart with questions. So, in the example that you have given, I would look at him, genuinely confused, and ask him what exactly he means. And I would keep asking him questions until he ties himself in knots or says something ridiculous or rude, hopefully within earshot of your mum. Deal with him in this way at every opportunity he presents. Because he doesn't sound too bright.

It takes a huge amount of effort to ignore a small baby on your sofa surely? Of course it is deliberate.

Either he doesn’t want you around because he’s taken against you, or he’s trying to isolate your mum.

React in the moment, not by sending messages afterwards. You can do this calmly and to the point.

What do you wish you had said..? To the question of contraception (!) a simple 'excuse me?' puts him on the spot to expand his comment. To 'you got your baby then', a pleasant 'would you like to hold them', again puts the onus back on him to interact more appropriately.

And if he is just behaving like an arse, enquire about his wellbeing, 'are you feeling alright? You seem a bit under the weather..?' Again, this means you aren't just passively taking his unpleasantness. Seems like a bad habit he has got into; challenging it may mean you can get to the root of things and possibly sort it out properly.

But do remember, he may simply be an arse. You need more information to evaluate and decide what you want.

Your mum says 'they' like having your DS but maybe your SD would rather have the freedom to go out for the day and not be tied in to a regular programme. My DB is married to a lovely lady who is utterly devoted to her adult kids and her many GC, and I know he sometimes finds it a bit arduous to have to visit and dote on a lot of kids who aren't related to him in any way. I wonder if there's a bit of that creeping in? As in your mum might love having your son, but SD might not be quite so keen and she's speaking unwarrantedly for both of them.

To me, it sounds more like rudeness than anything else. I wouldn't bother sending him a message or buying him a gift or trying to appease him any further. Invite your mum to yours, or meet out of the house. If she asks why, just say that it's clear X doesn't welcome your visits, so you'd prefer not to come over. Don't get emotional, don't over-explain yourself, just be calm and to the point.

This

He's being rude. When did it start or was it a gradual slide? is there any possible reason however illogical you can think of?
I would definitely pull him up on it next time. youve been given some great 'what to say' suggestions upthread. if you do nothing it will get worse.

The more you say I wonder if his annoyance at you and treatment of your baby actually reflect the state of his relationship with your mum I.e. he sees you and your children as an extension of her and thus treats you with contempt. Ignoring those she loves may even be a way to punish her. It would explain her dismissiveness too, because she knows you've done nothing wrong and it isn't really about you at all.

when you eat an elephant, you need to do small bits. But don't jump out at it, it'll make it harder to catch.

Smile.
small non-obligation gift.
Smile.
How are you?
<conversation can go a million ways depending on how snotty the OP wants to be>

I think he doesn't like your mom doing the (reasonable) bit of childcare she does possibly because he's jealous he doesn't see his grandkids and takes that jealousy out on you.

I'd avoid him and ask your mom if it would be possible for her to do the childcare and visits at yours. If she asks why, tell her her husband's being grumpy with you and saying rude things. I consider him talking to you about contraception really rude.

I would wonder if he's got chronic pain or health issues. I noticed my late husband's tolerance of low-key everyday aggravation really decreased when he was in pain.

Why feed into his grumpy rude ways?!

Smile at him?! Eugh that sexist thing that women / girls need to smile more

It’s mad that no one said anything to him at the time and It’s mad you told him about your contraception. I assume you were shocked. But its all mad. It’s so inappropriate for him to act like that. Is your mum ok, why is she allowing it. What’s the vibe when your son goes there I wouldn't want my kid around that.
im also baffled by people saying it’s because of childcare. You say I don’t wanna look after your kid, before you say have you got contraception.

RTFT

He's three weeks old and her mum asked to see them!

And no, I doubt he's got dementia, I think he's just a nasty, miserable old man

Wow, I wouldn't be getting a present for someone behaving like this.

My grandad was not blood related (my grandma's second husband) but I always knew he loved me and was delighted to spend time with me.

If he can't love a child in his life because of blood, that's his own problem.