DO I SAY SOMETHING? I don’t think I can let this one go - want to keep the peace for my mums sake

[howtosupport90]

I visited my mum today. Mum lives with my stepdad, who has been in my life since I was a teenager. We used to be so close, but in the past few years he’s become very grumpy, I have to make small talk and he never asks how I am etc when I am there to pick my son up etc. there are a few comments he’s made where I’ve bitten my tongue as I don’t want to make a scene or don’t know how to respond in front of my son.

well today, I wanted to take my new baby round (3 weeks old). He was out when I got there but came home as we were having lunch. Baby was sleeping on the sofa, he didn’t say anything, didn’t acknowledged the baby despite walking past the sofa about 4 times. My mum then went to tidy up and so I tried to make small talk, asking how he was. About 20 minutes later I went and sat with my baby and he said ‘so you’ve got your baby then, you need to make sure you’re not at risk of another pregnancy’. No congratulations, no how are you, no nothing. I responded by just saying I’m not and that I’ve got a dr appointment to talk about contraception, but that was it.

I left 1/2 hour later and I just feel like it’s really got to me. He didn’t even acknowledge the baby, look at her or ask anything about how I am. I’m sad it’s come to this, but I really don’t think I can not say anything. It’s so awkward when I’m round there and this has made me realise that clearly he either doesn’t care or I’ve done something to upset him.

i did ask my mum about 2 years ago if I had upset him and she said no, he’s just tired, but he will happily talk about windfarms and cars, but will NEVER ask how I am!

would you let it go, or say something? I want to message him, but I don’t want to upset my mum or put her in a difficult situation, as I can see that she clearly feels awkward too when he’s shitty with me. I don’t like confrontation so that’s why I didn’t say anything when I’m there, but it isn’t going to get any better unless o say how I feel is it?!

Why doesnt he see his other grandchildren - is it due to a falling out?

My opinion … say less. Remember you are writing to an older man.
Try get him tell you about him
instead of saying all of what you want to say. He might just deny your words and go no contact if he feels cornered.

Dad, I’ve been thinking of you since yesterday. You seemed distant, can we meet and talk? I’ll ask mum to look after baby & we can go out just us?

Then, depending on his response, or when you meet you can say more.

Remember you are writing to an older man

Shame he didn't remember he was speaking to a newly postpartum mum.

Plus he's not her dad. Thankfully.

Far more polite and sweet than he deserves.

Good luck
I’m not sure I’d be so grovelling but I understand you want to get to the bottom of it.

Hi name,

I have noticed you've been somewhat distant towards me for some time and I am concerned. Yesterday was really upsetting for me and your comments left me uncomfortable and feeling like I am no longer welcome in my mothers home. If you would like to discuss things I am available to meet for coffee at a time that suits us both.

If I was messaging him, this is what I would send. But honestly i would just meet your mother away from the house and reconsider sending my child into such an environment, as I would be concerned what he is like towards your DC when you are not present and your mothers willingness to sweep this man's behaviour under the rug.

Surely this is a joke response?!
Bring him a present and smile! Jesus are you from the Victorian ages?! Also don’t forget to be silent unless the miserable old twat acknowledges you… 🙄

I think that this is what I would write:

Dad, (or whatever you call him) you seemed very distant, and uninterested in me and my new baby when I visited yesterday, and not for the first time. We used to be really close, but now I feel like you don't want me around, have I upset you in some way? If so, can we meet for a coffee and talk about it, as I would like to put things right?

Is he like this with your mother?

You’re approaching this in a much nicer way than I would, maybe that’s the better approach but I would address it in person. Your mum has seen him treat you this a way and said nothing. There’s no man on earth I would allow to treat my children and (imagined) grandchildren this way. So, as lovely as your mum may be, if she won’t address it then you can and shouldn’t feel bad about doing so.
See how he responds to your text but if you aren’t happy with the response, don’t feel bad about being more direct next time x

You don't say how old he is. Is there a possibility of some mental decline? Curmudgeonliness is not uncommon.

Agree with this.

Your contraception is none of his business.
I wouldn't say a word to him and I would talk to your mother and tell her you will see her at your house or out.

I wouldn't want your children exposed to him.

Do you rely on them for childcare?? The man is probably fed up. Not justifying him..,I think I’d be very crossed it I was on your shoes.
I’ve felt my on MIL getting a bit fed up with school runs/long afternoons of childcare because me and DH work full time or opposite shifts. Probably not the way he expected his retirement years to be, and perhaps feels like the new baby will add some more childcare duties.

Congrats on the little one! All the best xx

I would ask him outright. Hate mind games and moody people.

Try not to take it personally but have you thought that he might be unwell?
he could be in the early stages of dementia it presents with people being aloof the moment I read about not having another baby it was the first thing that came to my mind.
Have a chat with your mum try to find out if there are other things that have changed with his personality; she might be thinking the same thing but not wanting to admit it; early diagnosis is important if he has got dementia he could start medication that would help him with his mood & could help bring a bit of the man you remember back it won’t bring everything back but it will help. I hope you get somewhere & congratulations on the birth of your daughter xx

I wouldn't write, I would speak face to face or get your mum too.
If he isn't welcoming his wife's daughter into the home, then he isn't making life easy for his wife is he?
He should care about that?

Loves windfarms? Does he dislike cars, or only like electric cars? Does he feel overpopulation is killing the planet. Would be why he doesn't approve of the baby and doesn't want you to have anymore. His thinking may well have some merit but he's not going to win anyone over with this kind of behaviour.

I cannot believe people are suggesting that you rely on them when you only visit / childcare twice a month. Jesus Christ! Are we no longer a connected or family orientated society anymore?

I am going to get straight to the point, OP. He IS rude and inconsiderate. If it was me, I’d call him out on it, and be direct. Don’t let this drag out. See how he responds. The way he’s been with you is not okay. He chose to be with your mum, so he ought to be respectful of you and your family. Your child bearing is frankly none of his business nor is contraception, how extremely inappropriate of him to comment on that. If he does not respond well or change his ways, I think you need to communicate with your mum and arrange to see her separately.

He is a grown man, and if he has a problem with you, he needs to say something, not ignore you or baby and be passive aggressive. His behaviour is completely unacceptable.

He sounds like he was a good stepdad to you as a teenager. That is hard and he did well, let’s not forget that.

Does he find small children messy/annoying? did you used to give him loads of attention and now you don’t? Is your mum obsessed with the grandkids and he feels he isn’t part of it? Does he like your partner?

I'd be wanting him to have blood tests for iron, folic acid and thyroid checks. As well as for diabetes. No one should feel tired and grumpy all the time and you need to rule out physical causes. My DH has to take Folic Acid snigger but his energy levels and mood really improved.

It could also be that he's just not a fan of small kids. My FIL was never great around mine and he'd get very grumpy on our visits about having to work around naps etc.

Does he ‘approve’ of your partner? With the contraception comment it makes it sound like he isn’t happy with you having more kids (not that it’s any of your business). When did the comments and coldness start?

I, in all honesty wouldn’t have sent a message. I would have confronted him face to face to get an honest response/reaction.

Did you get a reply to the message? Xx

This is really sad.
Did you send the message and has he responded?

And congratulations on the new baby!

I wonder if he and your mum are not happy and he is planning his leave? Because of that he doesn’t want to get close to the children and is backing away from you too??

Clearly you don’t understand dementia! One of the earliest signs is a change in personality!