DO I SAY SOMETHING? I don’t think I can let this one go - want to keep the peace for my mums sake

[howtosupport90]

I visited my mum today. Mum lives with my stepdad, who has been in my life since I was a teenager. We used to be so close, but in the past few years he’s become very grumpy, I have to make small talk and he never asks how I am etc when I am there to pick my son up etc. there are a few comments he’s made where I’ve bitten my tongue as I don’t want to make a scene or don’t know how to respond in front of my son.

well today, I wanted to take my new baby round (3 weeks old). He was out when I got there but came home as we were having lunch. Baby was sleeping on the sofa, he didn’t say anything, didn’t acknowledged the baby despite walking past the sofa about 4 times. My mum then went to tidy up and so I tried to make small talk, asking how he was. About 20 minutes later I went and sat with my baby and he said ‘so you’ve got your baby then, you need to make sure you’re not at risk of another pregnancy’. No congratulations, no how are you, no nothing. I responded by just saying I’m not and that I’ve got a dr appointment to talk about contraception, but that was it.

I left 1/2 hour later and I just feel like it’s really got to me. He didn’t even acknowledge the baby, look at her or ask anything about how I am. I’m sad it’s come to this, but I really don’t think I can not say anything. It’s so awkward when I’m round there and this has made me realise that clearly he either doesn’t care or I’ve done something to upset him.

i did ask my mum about 2 years ago if I had upset him and she said no, he’s just tired, but he will happily talk about windfarms and cars, but will NEVER ask how I am!

would you let it go, or say something? I want to message him, but I don’t want to upset my mum or put her in a difficult situation, as I can see that she clearly feels awkward too when he’s shitty with me. I don’t like confrontation so that’s why I didn’t say anything when I’m there, but it isn’t going to get any better unless o say how I feel is it?!

EDIT: Take him something for no reason. birthdays are an obligation. Make one last effort to make him smile.

Well rip the plaster off and ask.
And then stop going.
tell your mum she needs to understand how it's affecting you.

It's affected you enough to post on mumsnet.

@Trallers i think my mum will just brush it off like she did last time I tried to ask. I don’t think she always picks up on how awkward I feel

This.

hes just turning into a curmudgeonly old sod.

ignore and keep your Mum close.

I really want to keep my mum close, that’s why I haven’t said anything in the past. But I don’t want to be in his presence the way he is with me.

if I write a message to him, I will sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning before sending it

Id avoid him. Say to your mum ‘that’s lovely but why don’t we go out for lunch’ or ‘I’d rather you came to me’.

and if she pushes tell her he makes you feel uncomfortable and you don’t want to feel that way.

I wouldn’t be taking him presents or any such thing. He’s treating you badly and not explaining himself - he’s being a dick to you and your mum is enabling it. If he has a problem he needs to grow up and tell you. If he doesn’t have a problem he needs to address his attitude.

Honestly, people blaming you or dementia, his behaviour is unacceptable. If you’ve done something wrong he needs to be a fucking adult and tell you.

My guess is your child/her grandchild is a nice relief from your grumpy stepfather...

I spent too long with grunpynmennnee

The baby is three weeks old. It would be a bit much to be annoyed at visits after such a short amount of time!

“I do not wish to talk about my sexual health with you, thanks. That is a very strange statement.”

Just seriously stop even worrying about him or making effort. Feel bad for your mum here!

That isn't very often. But on the other hand how old is your DS and is he being looked after all day. Your step father obviously isn't happy about things. Not everyone can be bothered with small children and babies and visitors when they get older. It doesn't mean they've got dementia or mental health issues.

No it doesn’t.

@howtosupport90 that sounds really hard and very hurtful. I agree with PP that you should suggest to your mum that she meets up with you for lunch out and about etc and if she raises it you can respond. The only thing I'm wondering - did your DM meet your baby before this visit? If not, 3 weeks is quite a long time for GP not have met the baby and he might be feeling upset on her behalf rather than his own. But that's just me speculating...

This is a him problem, not a you problem. Do not buy him any gifts, obviously. Frankly, I wouldn’t buy another birthday present ever again for someone who didn’t bother to say thank you. If you can be arsed, you could say to him “I really feel like we’ve drifted apart” but tbh he just sounds like a dick and I’m not sure I’d be bothered in your position. You’ve got enough on your plate.

That said, my dad basically ignored his first grandchild: never held her or asked after her, barely looked at her. It was the first beginnings of Lewy Body Dementia (manifests differently to Alzheimer’s or vascular dementia). He went from being so excited about the pregnancy to total lack of interest in 9 months. Time will tell.

@harriethoyle thank you, yes my mum has met her several times, she’s come here and step dad has chosen not to come!

Sounds like he is just a dick and trying to put you off visiting. Who ignores a newborn baby ! They are so cute.

I think you just have to grey rock him, don’t let him affect your relationship with your mum. Good luck !

listen to the mel Robbins podcast ‘let them’ episode and LET HIM show himself to be an utter twat.

Take him a present. Pick out something not-expensive that he likes. Smile at him before you say hello.

She’s been trying to appease him for years by the sounds of it, to the point of feeling she needs to explain her contraceptive plans. Sounds like she needs to do less of it, not more.

It sounds nothing like that, actually. You sound like one of those posters who gets a teeny thrill from being unpleasant.

Do you?

How does he treat your mum, OP? Have there been any changes there, do you think? And how does your Mum seem?
And how do you feel about him generslly ,(grumpiness aside) is he your Dad or Stepdad, or more your mum's partner thse days?
i'm araid I'm going with the grumpy old man theory too but also wondering if there have been any changes which have affected the way he feels about, and treats you. Might there be other family stuff going on? Could he be feeling pushed aside and not part of the mother/daugher/grandchildren dynamic?
But most importantly I think you need to talk to your Mum about how SHE feel about him at the moment. She might be worried about him. And it can't be nice for her seeing DH be nasty to her own daughter.

Thank you everyone for your replies. To clarify, my mum saw him ignore the baby but she was in the kitchen when he made the comment. It felt like he purposely ignored the baby to make a point!

Your mum must have noticed and been embarrassed he said nothing about your new baby?

Looking after your grandchild two times a month is perfectly normal and incredibly common. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant. Not acknowledging his own grandchild is incredibly rude and quite bizarre! It’s no wonder you’re upset. I would be too. And I wouldn’t let it pass.

I get he is a stepfather, but every stepfather I know who has been around for so long refers to, and cares for little ones like they are their own grandchildren.

You could keep your mum close and still ask her what is going on. She must have noticed. Say you’re concerned that there’s some bad feeling between you and her DH and could she help sort it out.

My uncle got a bit like this. I was very close to him as a teenager and he used to be really chatty and fun. My aunt calls it the manopause. Give him a bit of space and maybe have your mum come round yours a bit. His comment was rude and uncalled for, I would definitely have lost it at that. I’d say take a break from him and go from there.

Absolutely not. I know it when I see it though.