DO I SAY SOMETHING? I don’t think I can let this one go - want to keep the peace for my mums sake

[howtosupport90]

I visited my mum today. Mum lives with my stepdad, who has been in my life since I was a teenager. We used to be so close, but in the past few years he’s become very grumpy, I have to make small talk and he never asks how I am etc when I am there to pick my son up etc. there are a few comments he’s made where I’ve bitten my tongue as I don’t want to make a scene or don’t know how to respond in front of my son.

well today, I wanted to take my new baby round (3 weeks old). He was out when I got there but came home as we were having lunch. Baby was sleeping on the sofa, he didn’t say anything, didn’t acknowledged the baby despite walking past the sofa about 4 times. My mum then went to tidy up and so I tried to make small talk, asking how he was. About 20 minutes later I went and sat with my baby and he said ‘so you’ve got your baby then, you need to make sure you’re not at risk of another pregnancy’. No congratulations, no how are you, no nothing. I responded by just saying I’m not and that I’ve got a dr appointment to talk about contraception, but that was it.

I left 1/2 hour later and I just feel like it’s really got to me. He didn’t even acknowledge the baby, look at her or ask anything about how I am. I’m sad it’s come to this, but I really don’t think I can not say anything. It’s so awkward when I’m round there and this has made me realise that clearly he either doesn’t care or I’ve done something to upset him.

i did ask my mum about 2 years ago if I had upset him and she said no, he’s just tired, but he will happily talk about windfarms and cars, but will NEVER ask how I am!

would you let it go, or say something? I want to message him, but I don’t want to upset my mum or put her in a difficult situation, as I can see that she clearly feels awkward too when he’s shitty with me. I don’t like confrontation so that’s why I didn’t say anything when I’m there, but it isn’t going to get any better unless o say how I feel is it?!

I realise my dad (grumpy and irritable often) was actually depressed a lot of the time. After he retired he was much more pleasant for a while and I found out he was on anti-depressants. Not saying you can influence this in any way with your stepfather but it's just an observation.

Op, it can be very easy to want a reason for why someone behaves the way do and if I were you I’d just accept the way he is however difficult that may be. But I’d also be treating like with like so that means nothing more than a hello when you enter the house and a cheerio when you leave. It’s what I had to do with someone who had grown very complacent with the love and respect I gave them and one day I decided enough was enough. Four years later everything is back on an even keel, or perhaps that should be things are back to normal but I still haven’t ever again sent Christmas or Birthday gifts. I do send things at other times but that’s all.

You deserve more from your relationship with a man who’s been in your life since you were a teenager and my step dad who’s been my dad for 50 years is the only father I’ll ever want or need so I can well understand just how much this situation must be upsetting you.

As for comments about mum looking after her grandchildren twice a month - as a granny of 8 my advice is to ignore them. Your mum sounds like a lovely granny and she’s doing what everyone in my circle does as a granny. In fact I’m on the road every day with various school runs etc and just keeping the company of my grandchildren for the sheer joy of it. Concentrate on your mum going forward and enjoy your love for each other as well as your time together.

Seriously?

Congratulations would be a start

My stepdad is like this with my sibling, but that's because said sibling is always asking mum for money or favours.

Maybe there's something else going on with him - is he ill? In pain? Otherwise if it's not because he's unwell or because you're imposing on your mum too much, he may just be a grumpy git! Whether you should ask him or not - I probably wouldn't, you're not close, you won't get a straight answer off him anyway, and it'll upset your mum.

It sounds like he's jealous tbh.
Either of your muns attention to you and the grandchildren or that his grandchildren aren't about.

His comment is not acceptable however so I would be saying something on that basis.

The inappropriate comment about risking another pregnancy was not out of concern for your health , it was a nasty dig , I would not have answered referring to your contraception ! How bizarre , that was an opportunity to do the head tilt “ pardon ?” “ what do you mean? “

if this is out of character I would be worried , depression is first sign of dementia and I’d be very worried for your mums happiness and remind her she can leave him if she wants she is not obligated

Eh? He’s treating her badly and not being an adult and saying what is wrong. Sod trying to appease him.

Unfortunately a lot of people are just naturally bullies/aggressive if they feel frustrated/think the attention isn't on them, or if they think they can get away with it.

I wonder if he was nice to you as a child as you were in the role of "pleasant subservient female child".

So you were paying him attention and feeding his ego. He was top dog in the hierarchy.

Now you're a grown woman with a partner and your children will (rightly so) be people your mum looks forward hugely to seeing, he's not top dog any more. You have your own life and priorities which don't include him.

There's lots of people whose personalities "flip" as soon as they feel their social status is challenged by someone.

I agree with pps to ignore him, don't make conversation first, meet with your mum elsewhere if you can. Let him solve his own existential crisis.

I suspect the snipey little comments and passive aggressiveness will continue. Grey rock and ignore.

Does he make these comments in front of your mother?

Given how rude he is to you already I don’t see what difference it would make if you are rude back, or at least make it clear how rude you find his comments.

”You’re such a ray of sunshine, Geoff!”

Having a newborn is a vulnerable time and he sounds like a complete areshole.

It's this 👆. He's fed up with having the kids at his house and he doesn't want you to have any more!

It's really rude that he should talk to you about contraception and trying to prevent another pregnancy. Its a creepy

RTFT. It isn’t this.

It would appear that he does not agree with your Mum doing childcare twice a month.

The new addition to your family - and the childcare presumably becoming two children after you return to work - is clearly pissing him off big time.

His dig about your contraception (how utterly inappropriate) is clearly him saying "so, there's two of them now, there better not be a third!".

He's is rather obviously not remotely happy or onboard with your Mum doing childcare, in presumably their home.

This is all entirely unreasonable of course.

Tbh you (and your kids - because it's very difficult to imagine him being pleasant, kind, engaged and positive around your kids if he's there during the childcare) are casualties of this disagreement between our Mum and him. Though it's apparently not an outright disagreement because by the sounds of it your Mum is avoiding and minimising the issue (?).

This is a problem in their relationship..she wants to do something reasonable and natural and not abnormal...he doesn't want her to.

They really need to sort this out between them.

I would imagine however that you Mum doesn't want to do what is ultimately required if he doesn't change his stance (get rid of him) so she will continue letting you and your kids be casualties of his attitude & behaviour.

Could your Mum do the childcare on your home; so this specimen is not near it. Or would he protest about her being away from home for that too?

Why didn't you say anything?

If I had a stepdad who said 'you better make sure you don't get pregnant again then'... I would've said 'don't be so rude, it's nothing to do with you and perhaps you'd like to say hello to our new baby, isn't he gorgeous?'

Instead you told him about your dr's appointment to talk about contraception!!

I think she was completely shocked and on the back foot.

Which is rather obvious.

It's super creepy he mentioned about you not getting pregnant again .
It does sound like he just has a problem with you . Why not just outright ask him .
Have you ever fell out ? Or has your partner fell out with him?
Do you think even though it's only a few times a month he resents your child visiting ? Is he nice to him ?

It sounds like he’s turning into a typical miserable old git mixed in with a bit of jealousy seeing how happy your children make your mum.

I wouldn’t be able to bite my tongue but I would be very careful how your word what you say. Kill him with kindness so he has nothing to grab onto and to twist into you being the bad guy.

The next negative thing he doesn’t (whilst your mum is present) say

“Step Dad have I done anything to upset you because it feels like you’ve changed with regards to the way you greet/treat me whilst I’m here and I’d hate to think I’ve upset you.”

That will put him on the spot and he’ll have to answer.

Incredibly entitled , arrogant, high handed and intrusive .

So you've had your baby .....you better not have any more ....what are doing about that?".

None of your fucking business.

And you clearly have zero clue what most grandparents do for their kids, because what my Mum does is minimal.

Oh and it's not my fault you don't see your own grandkids (whose is it, I wonder).

OK... well, if so, I would've stalled for time and ask 'what did you just say?' until I could think of a suitable response.

If we allow people to be this rude, they will be

Yes, pander to him!!

Not everyone is like you

Some people, on the back foot, would just automatic respond/defend themselves.

The fact that he said what he did would lead me to believe op's upbringing with him as step father, was not conducive to the dynamic of her being structured, assertive etc.

The fact that he thinks he has the right to grump around, and make comments like that at all ......

Something's not right in this household.

Er, no. Read the updates. Her mum only does childcare twice a month and that’s at her own request.

It's a really rude and weird comment for him to have made, and at the least I'd stop making any effort for him from now on. I'd try harder to keep meetings to other places or times when he won't be there, and when that's not possible, I'd start just acting as though he's not even in the room. If he speaks, reply, but don't bother with him otherwise. I'd stop buying him gifts and cards, as well.

It's a shame that the relationship is inexplicably strained, but it sounds like it's all of his doing. Now it's a matter of limiting his ability to ruin your relationship with you mother, as far as possible, since she's apparently pretending it's all fine.

Is it possible he thinks two kids will be too much for her?

Is it possible she moans to him a bit about being tired after looking after your son etc.?

Maybe he believes he has to be assertive etc on her behalf because she won't be (even though she initiated the arrangements).

Other than that, he clearly can't be arsed with small kids around his home, maybe he sees it as distracting your Mum or taking her energy from their time together (or her doing stuff for him).

Does he do his own snacks, cooking, domestic stuff? Or does she do it so he feels he's being inconvenienced when she's focused on young kids?.

Op there will be more to this
Are you in a stable relationship with steady income?