DW says my parents traumatised DS – AIBU?

[petruk2002]

DH and I went away for a few nights and left our 3 year old DS with my parents. They’ve looked after him before, and he was excited to stay with them.

Since we got back, DW is convinced they’ve “traumatised” him. He’s been a bit clingy and woke up crying a couple of times, which he doesn’t usually do. When we asked him what was wrong, he said, “Granny was cross.” DW is now furious and saying they must have scared him.

I asked my mum, and she said he was being a bit cheeky at bedtime, so she told him firmly it was time to settle down. No shouting, no harsh words, just being a normal grandparent. But DW thinks this has really upset him and is now saying she doesn’t want them babysitting again unless we’re there too.

For context, my parents are quite old school expect good manners, don’t do “gentle parenting,” but they absolutely love him and wouldn’t dream of being unkind. I just think DW is overreacting, but she’s adamant they’ve done some lasting damage.

AIBU to think this is just normal grandparent stuff, or should I be more concerned?

I think this approach could potentially be more damaging in so many ways.

Of course a three year old will complain about being scolded for unruly behaviour. To say the child is traumatised & as a result shouldn't be left with the Grandparents in the future without supervision is utterly ridiculous.

This is the only type of grandparent I'd have left my child with at this age. It's supposed to be a treat- I remember packing a little suitcase to visit my GPs who were perfectly able to get a child to bed with smiles and songs: it's not a pushover/dragon dichotomy! It's not the GPs job to be the disciplinarian in the child's life. That's the parents job, and we don't have enough info on OPs day to day for people to assume DH/W is an ineffectual parent.

I wish people would stop throwing around the word trauma, and that goes for you, your wife, and your husband.

Sometimes you have to say no and sometimes you have to set boundaries.
Also GP. I haven't met a child I would be able to leave 3 days at GP and expect it was only rainbows and unicorns.

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 10:51
Can’t really offer advice as our grandchild gets away with anything here 😁
I’ve never been firm at bedtime, though. It’s very relaxed with lots of books and hot chocolate/milk until he’s sleepy.
I think that’s what nights at grandparents’ house ought to be.

Hot chocolate? Trying to imagine how much trauma having hot chocolate in bed and not brushing teeth might cause the parents....

Well, they raised you so the first question is if you step back and look at it, do you think your parents are scary? I wondered when you said they're old-fashioned or whatever because sometimes that's the kind of thing people say to excuse abusive behavior, when they've become used to it and don't recognize it for what it is. It could be, if nothing else, they're just not especially warm to children or nice to children. Which makes them not a good choice to care for your child, in my opinion.

Next, I don't think it's necessary or even possible to know exactly what went on. But if my three-year-old woke up crying more than once and showed the other signs that all was not well, as your toddler has shown, that would be all I needed to know to decide that person wasn't a good fit to babysit my child, especially if it wasn't even necessary. Your parents' wishes are secondary to your child's wellbeing.

From what you've said so far, I'd only have the child around your parents when one of you is there, at least for the foreseeable future. Maybe try again in a couple of years, if and only if your child wants to stay with them and maybe try shorter visits first at that time. It doesn't have to mean anything but that it doesn't seem to have worked out very well.

If a GP has their DGC for several days and nights, there's going to be a point where the child plays up a bit. So are we supposed to not be quietly firm with our own boundaries when they're with us? Or do we just let them play up and know that this is what we'll have to deal with for the rest of their childhood, because they see us as impotent?

I very rarely have to admonish my DGD, but I think it's important that she knows when she's crossed a line, and that Grandma is in control. She knows about 'Grandma's rules' and seems perfectly comfortable with them. That basis still gives us loads of room to have fun and treats and loads of love.

Next week on Mumsnet ‘ I wish we could go away from a few nights, but we don’t have any child care’

Next year on Mumsnet ‘ nursery says our child wants everything their own way, and won’t accept guidance, what should we do?’

I would see how he feels about going there again - perhaps he is just a bit too little yet and would prefer to be in his own bed and it might be something else that scared him more than granny, just the lack of familiarity or comfort. Could GPs come to you instead?

I used to have sleepovers once a week at my GPs but I was older, probably 7+.

You must know from your own childhood what their parenting style is like? And whether you consider it acceptable or whether it was emotionally abusive in some way?

I think your DW is over reacting.
I also think that, for a 3yo, when it’s granny telling them off and assertive reminder to behave migut feel much more like a shock. Esp if granny has never told them off before (because you’ve always been there).

As for being unsettled, it’s not unusual after been left for a days the first time. 3yo are not known to be reliable when they tell you what happened either.

I think the discussion should not be around what granny has or hasn’t done.
But around what fears your DW has.
ie is she worried your mum really shouted and lost it?
Why is she worried that her child will be traumatised (that’s a very strong word there!)? Did she experience scary times as a child for example? Someone shouted at her etc… Not in a shrink way but in a ‘what is really important fur you?’
Basically the more you try to understand what’s behind ‘she has traumatised our chikd’ the better you’ll be able to answer and find a solution with granny (a separate discussion will need to happen with your mum. When you know more)

I would definitely think about how your parents were when you grew up, ie, mine were always loving but firm and excellent at holding boundaries. My DC refers to my mum as "that too strict granny" a lot - but DC still loves spending time there and I KNOW from my own childhood that my mum is just being clear about boundaries. My parents literally never shouted at us as DC but we also absolutely knew when we crossed the line, so I would have a very hard time believing that my parents crossed a line with my DC.

We are pretty firm on boundaries here though so if your DC is used to not being corrected much, talked at endlessly about feelings etc, instead of just being told occasionally to knock it off, that might be why they were a bit upset.

However, my DC was shouted at by a relative of my DH and told to "just SHUT UP" several times in a really nasty tone (DC is reception age). His family brushed it off as just the way the relative was interacting with DC... I was pretty unhappy about it but ultimately, one rude adult isn't going to damage my DC and if anything, DC just won't want to spend time with them and that'll be the natural consequence for the relative... Relative was loved by DH and sibs growing up and just different families do things differently...

I would have had absolutely no problem with my parents telling my 3yo firmly to settle down at bedtime.

At 3yo your ds is too young to vocalise why he really is clingy. It is just as likely it is because his parents disappeared from his life for 3 days and he didn't like it.

You either trust your parents or your don't.

Sounds like a complete overreaction. Grandparent here, generally seen as evil on MN! Your partners response seems quite disproportionate!

Children are extremely resilient. As has been said, some clinginess is, for a lot of children, expected.

Children being a little afraid of something is quite healthy. It enable boundaries to be set. Having no boundaries would be worse. Influences, including from different (healthy) parenting styles is surely a good thing. None of us do everything 100% right and having different influences is good.

One of the worst things for a child is a cold and neglectful environment. Whilst it doesn’t sound at all neglectful, I do think warmth is required. That might make me a bit hesitant, but if you know they are warm, then being a little scared isn’t going to harm him. He just knows when he sleeps there, there are clear expectations about behaviour!

"Granny was cross with me."

"Was she? Why was Granny cross?"

"How do you know Granny was cross?"

If the answer is "Because I was messing about, and she told me off" that's surely fine? Or do you allow your child to stay up messing about til all hours without admonishing them?

I can't imagine a world where I didn't trust my mum to look after my child - including telling off when needed.

As a teacher it's all too easy to see the parents who don't, their kids are negatively impacted by lack of boundaries, lack of resilience, and lack of personal accountability, and it's really sad, because it's not their fault, it's their parents'. But hey, the parents think it's the teacher's fault, so 🤷.

I wonder how much is your wife feeling guilty for leaving your child - traumatised? By being told off? Is she going to pull him out of school when (not if) he gets told off? She needs to give her head a wobble.

I have seen this play out in my own extended family. Basically the kid had never been told no, so when Granny said "No, you cant play another game, sit down and eat your dinner" the kid went barmy. The son in law decided that she had been abusive and cruel and the kid was scared or her. It was at a family BBQ and those of us who saw it knew that she hadnt been abusive at all, he had just never been disciplined and was a little shit as a result. Now he is a teenager who is a total nightmare and his parents are at their wits end about how to deal him.......

This can be typical when a child has spent time away from their parents so i wouldn't necessarily jump to something "traumatic" happening while you have been away.

However, going forward I would have a discussion to make sure everyone is on the same page in regards to their care so everyone is comfortable. It's important to have consistency so ensuring your parents understand how you are raising your child, they may have their different beliefs but at the end of the day that's your child.

This thread is hilarious - are some of these posters for real?

And we wonder why so many of the younger generation have no resilience and there's a MH crisis amongst the young.

Granny sternly told ds to calm down before bed and now he's traumatised? Jesus wept.

If id come home to ds saying his gran had told him off for acting up at bedtime he'd be told to behave himself in future.

How are these peoples kids going to cope out in the big wide world? 🙄

easy, they don’t babysit anymore. Your mum doesn’t seem to care about your kid’s feelings.

Bloody hell, this is what’s wrong with the world today and kids having no resilience because a Grandparent traumatised them from telling them firmly to go to fricking bed - the world is doomed

Loving the idea that granny would mind this more than the parents mind losing their free childcare while they trot off on holiday.

I think it's quite clear this is written by the DW BTW.

Maybe granny thinks they're being ridiculous and doesn't want to encourage their entitled and over protective behaviour?

Should we apologise every time one is demanded? Maybe granny doesn't want to validate the feelings of these utter wimps and compound their fragility? Maybe granny is pissed off bc dgs is a bit of a brat and it was exhausting looking after him for three days and now her dil expects an apology for chastising the sacred child.

Three year olds are not entitled!!

I think "entitled" was referring to the parents, or at least the DW's attitude, not to the GC himself.