DW says my parents traumatised DS – AIBU?

[petruk2002]

DH and I went away for a few nights and left our 3 year old DS with my parents. They’ve looked after him before, and he was excited to stay with them.

Since we got back, DW is convinced they’ve “traumatised” him. He’s been a bit clingy and woke up crying a couple of times, which he doesn’t usually do. When we asked him what was wrong, he said, “Granny was cross.” DW is now furious and saying they must have scared him.

I asked my mum, and she said he was being a bit cheeky at bedtime, so she told him firmly it was time to settle down. No shouting, no harsh words, just being a normal grandparent. But DW thinks this has really upset him and is now saying she doesn’t want them babysitting again unless we’re there too.

For context, my parents are quite old school expect good manners, don’t do “gentle parenting,” but they absolutely love him and wouldn’t dream of being unkind. I just think DW is overreacting, but she’s adamant they’ve done some lasting damage.

AIBU to think this is just normal grandparent stuff, or should I be more concerned?

No, I mean the teenagers and young people that are struggling so much now, are the first generation to have experienced "gentle parenting" and have parents who thought it was normal to leave them for a holiday at a very early age.

Yes, exactly that.

Did I mention trauma or anxiety?

I said if she can't cope for a couple of days without getting cross in whatever form that took. Then maybe she shouldn't have the child overnight. Didn't say the grandparents shouldn't have the child in the day time. Just maybe they can't cope with bedtimes .
The op said themselves his parents expect certain things. To me that would show a lack of flexibility and strict nature the op is used to and grown up with.
But at 3 years old you should be able to cope for a couple of days without getting cross. And just dismissing what the child has said due to lack of proof just shows that children's voices don't matter.
And we know something did happen as the grandparent all but said it did but brushed it aside as something and nothing. So the child didn't make it up .
Do I think they are awful grandparents? No . Do I think maybe they need to wait till the child's older for over nights stays? Yes !

Was this the first time your child ever spent the night away from his parents? If your parents have never had the child overnight and the first time they do, you left them for days that trauma is entirely on you @petruk2002 and your wife.

Does anyone living with a 3yo for a number of days never find the need to be "firm"?

Sometimes I think I must live in an alternate reality.

I would 100% go with what your wife says on this one. It does sound like they chastised him, at bedtime, which is completely the wrong time to be telling any small child off. And it has upset / frightened him. And then when asked about it, your mother dismissed it, which reinforces her disconnect between what she thinks is right and the child's actual care.

No way on this earth would my 3 yr old be staying at the IL's again until they're much older.

We're old school grandparents but bed time is different. I've lain in bed next to them reading, watching bluey whatever on the tablet until they settle.

They do get up and down too.

I agree with all of this.

Natural reaction being away from his parents.

Being told firmly to get to bed is a good thing. It may have surprised him, but it's good for him.

You and your wife need to catch a hold of yourselves, and I hope that's exactly what your mom told you.

Most people don’t have a DH and a DW.

Thats the confusion.

I don’t think she realises how a firm tone can come across to a little one.

OP, this jumped out at me. Are you and your DW/DH practising gentle parenting? It sounds like it. Lots of evidence indicating how never saying no or using a firm tone with a child can end up with no end of issues.

Children will be clingy when they're left for several days in a new situation. You and your DH/DW need to man-up/ woman-up and help your child by showing some resilience. No wonder so many GPs are unwilling to provide childcare for GKids. A firm, perfectly acceptable, tone and they're practically being accused of child abuse.

😅 DH and I have three DC, the elder two in their twenties. I'm fucked if I'd ever look after a toddler GDC again for several days, if either one of them or their spouse/partner whinged about me speaking firmly to them when they were acting up. They could take their little darlings away on holiday with them and look after them themselves. Just like DH and I had to do with our DC when they were little themselves.

No need for rules if it’s just a couple of days apparently! Kids should be able to do whatever they want. Heaven forbid they don’t like being told off.

The above is hypothetical of course, neither of them seem in any hurry to have DC themselves just yet. Very sensible of them. 🙂👍

Don't forget that some of your DS's distress might relate simply to you and your wife going away for several days. He was out of his comfort zone because of that so some of it rests with you.
This may of course have made him more sensitive.

I think you're being obtuse.

"... significant emotional upset... " "... traumatised..."?

And people wonder why young people lack resilience and suffer so much from mental health issues...

I have a 7 year old DGS who stays at mine once a week. Once he went home and said ‘grandad shouted at me’ which absolutely didn’t happen, I was there the whole time. His grandad is his most favourite person in the world, none of us get a look in when he’s about, they're really close - so on the rare occasion his grandad tells him a firm no it REALLY upsets him. Far more than when I do cos I tell him no all the time It’s like he feels totally betrayed that his best bud could ever disagree with him!

It could be that your little one isn’t used to his granny being firm with him if he only sees her occasionally? The change from ‘gentle granny in the background when mum/dad is there’ to ‘trying to get a 3 year old to bed gran’ can be quite jarring for a 3 year old.

That being said, it’s impossible to know and obviously he’s been upset by you not being there so I’d put off any sleepovers until he’s older.

Can you imagine..

DW would have been creating merry hell about DH's parents letting the DC run riot, DC being shattered due to being allowed to stay up half the night when they should have been in bed and a sleep at the said time given by DW.

Even if he was excited to stay with your parents, 3 is young to be away from mum & dad for a few days. Its more likely he's clingy and unsettled by that more so than anything else.

We don't know the child was rowdy, or how the gps dealt with it. All we know is that the child is upset. I would not expect gps to be cross. Sleepovers at GPS should be fun. I would be wondering what happened, but the dismissal of the grandmother is a flag to me. I would not be considering another overnight.

"Gentle parenting" leads to teenagers with no resilience.

Your child was unsettled and playing up because he was away from his parents, who apparently dont care in the slightest that he was being cheeky for his grandparents. You'll be those parents telling the school off when they say your son has done something wrong. You'll be the parents whose teenager cant find a job because he expects to be treated like a prince.

You should find out how he was being cheeky and how unsettles he was by your absence. Personally I'd cut a 3 year old a lot of slack when his parents were away. However if he was cheeky for hours at bedtime he would eventually be told that's enough. If that scares him you need to prepare him more gradually for extended absences.

This is a huge over reaction. As a grand parent I would never babysit overnight again after basically been accused of abuse. Poor GPS were probably tired and frazzled. No good deed goes unpunished here I think. They did a HUGE favour and are being villianised. Your DSp might have to toughen up as life isn't all unicorns farting rainbows. Does he mix with other kids? Sometimes they are mean!

I’m really not. Read the OP.

It is definitely confusing.

You have it in one. Children aren't taught 'no' nowadays. Granny told the kid he needed to quieten down and go to bed and his mother accuses her of 'traumatising him'
All I can say is good luck to that child's teacher when he starts Reception.

I think it’s developmentally normally for a 3yo to be a bit clingy + have less regular sleep when they’ve been away from you for a few days… their whole world has been turned upside down and they need extra reassurance that they’re loved and you’re back...