DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

[Tripewriter]

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

Depends what the work involves really.

Some things are really hard to do by yourself. Not requiring any strength, just awkward.

There is also a lot of easy stuff that could be done by anyone once they are shown how.

@Tripewriter I feel for you. I too have someone who likes 'help' with his self chosen projects whilst anything I do is on my own (because if he helped he would interfere and be a massive pain).

I am not a helpmeet, I am not there to validate his thoughts and listen to endless pondering. I will not find his manly DIY skills exciting and listen breathlessly to his 'expert' instructions on what I should do and how.

Mine is a man that spent an hour in a DIY store pondering glue types whilst I tried to control 3 small children.

When we DIY, we DIY alone - occasionally we can tolerate very short interactions for joint projects but there is a definite limit.

What you describe would be a marriage breaker and possible end with a murder conviction on my part or at the very least require a 2 week holiday alone somewhere to recover.

Sounds like you need to have an honest chat about how he makes you feel when you are working together. Explain properly why you really don't want to do it. If you agree to help set boundaries and every time he faffs, shouts, insults you, complains put down what you are holding and walk inside. Come back when he apologises. You need to do some retraining of him. This doesn't mean you have to agree to help but if you do it is on clear unambiguous terms. Even if you don't go ahead this conversation is worth having.

Can you get some young lad to help him for pocket money? Offer a solution not a flat no.

There is no way that at a similar age to you I would be out there holding bits of wood in the freezing cold either. If your husband wants an elaborate shed, he can pay for it or build it himself. I wouldn't be coming up with "solutions" for him either. A flat no would be a perfectly adequate response. The most I do for my retired husband's building projects is to admire the finished result.

My grandad is 88 and he built himself a summerhouse last year, age 60 should be easy!

No, no, no, and again no. Tell him: your project, your high-end spec to deliver, your time, your money. Hire someone to help you as it certainly doesn't sound like a one-person job, and of course, you cannot expect people to work for nothing, especially reliable skilled trades. If you cannot afford it at the price it is, rather than the price you would like it to be, defer the start date, and save up. I am going to complete the MA I've paid good money to do and crack on with my job, my volunteer roles, and the housekeeping and cooking that you will no doubt appreciate after long hard days on this project.

Quite honestly, OP, if he can get someone good to work on the project with him at this notice, he'll be very lucky. Most of the good trades I know are booked up 6-12 months ahead.

FWIW, I am close to 60 and very much of the 'use it or lose it, roll your sleeves up' school of thought on a lot of physical work/DIY tasks. But this project isn't just hard graft, it requires skill and experience to get the installation right, and the scope for adding weeks and £££s to the project if you get a bit of it wrong is large. Know thy limitations!

I hope you'll let us know how the conversation goes, he is being VU!

I am absolutely sure that there was more than a bit of ageism involved in the post I quoted. I agree tastes change, expectations alter and some things are just not possible any more, as time goes by, but the poster appeared to be writing off everyone over 60 as far as all manual projects are concerned. My husband is more than a quarter of 60 past 60 now and is still digging ponds and planting trees, going to the gym several times a week etc. Everyone is different but writing yourself off at 60 is a sad outlook on life. He continues to do stuff because he expects to be able to. When he hit 60 he didn't say to himself "I'm 60. Can't do that." Nor did I, but by nature, I've always been lazier more inclined to gentle pursuits than he is.

You've articulated this very clearly here, havs you told him the same way? It might be a new idea to him. I had to explain similar to my 50 something DH and he hadn't honestly ever thought of it like that.
The misogynistic conditioning is strong in these generations!

Do you know how painful arthritis can be ??
And how further disability can be caused by over exertion?

This!!! I'm happy to hold up panels level while he puts in screws, ditto posts etc. but any abuse I'm in the wind, so he keeps it zipped.

I do.

This morning on hands and knees I cleared out the log burner, cleaned the glass, cleaned the surround, hearth then crawled around polishing tables etc. Had lunch, went to bank with DH. Despite co codamol. Couldn't get my legs to work when I stood up. I had a cane, but steps and walking back to the car was agony.

I'd overdone it on the wrong day which had started out so well.😢

Dh once dropped a shed on me. True story!

He knows never to ask me to anything to do with sheds ever again.

but the poster appeared to be writing off everyone over 60 as far as all manual projects are concerned. My husband is more than a quarter of 60 past 60 now and is still digging ponds and planting trees, going to the gym several times a week etc. Everyone is different but writing yourself off at 60 is a sad outlook on life. He continues to do stuff because he expects to be able to. When he hit 60 he didn't say to himself "I'm 60. Can't do that." Nor did I, but by nature, I've always been lazier more inclined to gentle pursuits than he is.

Evidence for that assertion, please. I think you're seeing things I haven't said.

I've several times congratulated all those who've said they could happily do this and would find it easy enough. I wish I could be more active and useful but I have arthritis in my hands after years of being a potter. RSI meant that I had to stop that line of work and retrain for something less damaging. My grip is often poor and my wrists are often painful but I'm not writing myself off at 60 and I'm not sad. I have good work which I enjoy, volunteering which I enjoy quite a lot of the time and I'm doing an MA which I'm really thriving with. The idea that I might be lazy simply because I'm not prepared to work for weeks under my DH's instruction to build him his dream shed is both bonkers and insulting. As a previous poster said very clearly, I'm not here simply to be his helpmeet.

Absolutely no way would I be doing this. It’s not in my skill set, comfort zone or list of things I would find remotely bearable.

I think part of being an adult is being able to say, no sorry, that’s not something I want to do.

OP, 60 here.
What absolutely batshit replies you have had.
I am fit, play sport regularly and absolutely no way would I entertain your husband.

The stupidity of equating a car journey to the garage, with dismantling a shed and building a new one, is unique to MN.
I fortunately never come across such ridiculousness IRL, thankfully.

He sounds both self absorbed, and a bit of a bully, though you are at pains to deny it.

I do not think his request is the least bit reasonable.
You are working still and your down time is yours.

Have another row and tell him to shag off back to work and leave you alone.

I am post menopausal and couldn't be dealing with such annoyance.😁

He sounds like a thundering bore and you have just gotten used to it.

That it has been noted he has no interest in what you do, as in your MA, by family, is telling.

He sounds like a PITA and you need to push back hard.

You sound lovely. Mind yourself.

Only helping out when you want or need something is a piss-poor way to look at a marriage.

So he essentially sat in a car for you and expects you now to do weeks of hard, manual labour which is frankly too much for you?

Hard no.

I'd be really clear that these are not equivalent 'favours' and hard labour isn't 'exercise' you're interested in.

As is demanding weeks of your spouse's time to be at your disposal to be spoken to disrespectfully and expected to do work well beyond their skills and capability, to the detriment of their own work, responsibilities and studying but hey

He sounds both self absorbed, and a bit of a bully, though you are at pains to deny it.
I do not think his request is the least bit reasonable.
You are working still and your down time is yours.

I think he'd thought to himself that it would be an absolute maximum of £10k, which he'd find ways of bringing down a bit (providing some of the labour, doing the lining out himself). He's not earning, for the first time in his life and I think the reality of retirement, and expensive things seem when you're not earning a living, scared the daylights out of him. He reacted appallingly: that comparison of running me back from the garage today was the absolute worst response he could have come up with. He knows it and has already apologised and is out in the garden on his own, looking a bit sheepish.

We've agreed that this evening we'll spend a thrilling (not!) few hours looking to see if we can find a substantial shed that he could have some design input into and get delivered and erected. I'm not sure why I have to be involved in all this: his shed, his choice, but he seems to need to have someone at his side for reassurance.

Could it be some form of autism?

Seems very common in older people where it hasn't been diagnosed if they're high functioning and getting on with life.

The issue doesn't seem to be the shed, but DH being rigid and difficult and self-centred.

It's fairly well known for ND people to develop (unrealistic) rigid obsessions about something and then insist that someone else needs to help them/join in/validate them.

And once they're emotionally "locked in" their obsession is "right".

So the other person can't have any dissenting views or their own feelings, it's seen as a personal attack, and the other person needs to be "corrected" in their way of thinking.

There are often odd arguments (involving some very convoluted lines of thinking) about what is "fair" or not.

I'm in an industry which attracts a lot of ND types and I mainly work remotely as it's too draining getting aggressively told I'm not doing things "correctly" as I'm not going along with someone else's ideas emotional random whims.

No, he's not autistic. He's come and apologised, he realises how out of order he was. If you've read my responses you'll see that he's already thinking about compromises and ways of working to budget.

@derrickelle interesting post.

OP, I am married 30 years successfully, and am not one to drag out an argument at all.

But that response about the garage would get him a second telling off to drive home the point that such a comparison and ascertain is completely unacceptable and crossed a line.

He needs firmly putting back in his box and a conversation of YOUR expectations of him, in retirement.

Too many women around me have had to do it over the past few years and tell their demanding husbands that separation might be the solution if they don't cop themselves on big time.
In most cases having it spelt out to them very firmly did the trick.

Some men that have had sucessful careers and spent 40 years being lauded for all they did, their every word admired, find retirement a challenge.

My own husband is contemplating retirement but he knows that we will not be joined at the hip when he does, much as I enjoy his company!

My fuse has shorten as I've aged and he knows its in his best interests that I have my space.

I recently bought and had installed a hobby room for myself with is set up as a private space for me to be on my own. Its like a dolls house, full of my special things, a small kitchen where I can entertain my girlfriends.

I did this on the back of a friend getting one and it positively pulling her back from the brink of divorce after her husband retired and thought he could now dictate her week and spend every minute with her.
They were never that couple and he was now on the verge of giving her the permanent ick.

Hers has a bedroom, office and kitchen etc., and she retires there for days at a time and obviously works there too.

Hers cost a fraction of the cost of a divorce and they are now getting on much better.

Well I'm glad he's apologised as I was getting quite annoyed on your behalf about comparing weeks of hard manual labour to a short drive to the garage! However why do you need to hold his hand in choosing a shed? I'd say exactly what you have: his shed, his choice.

Honestly it's probably a bit late to be nipping this in the bud but you do have make it clear you aren't there as his support human as you've got a looonnnnggggg time left to be putting up with this.

Retirement seems to bring the worst out in some people, and with men it often seems to be taking on boring hobbies and a habit of banging on about them ad nauseam to a partner they think they are entitled to have on tap for a listening ear. (Though to be fair some women can witter on for England too!).

Put your foot down, the fact that despite expecting your devoted, undivided attention and physical labour, in return he doesn't even pretend to make an effort to engage with you about your interests would wind me up!

Oh yes, this is frighteningly familiar! Thankfully we have no plans for any sheds in the near future.

I'm glad he seems to have seen reason anyway. It might be worth asking at your local builders merchants if they could recommend someone who could help him.