DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

[Tripewriter]

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

My partner bought a very large posh shed last year which he uses as a garden office. The shed alone cost €20k, then there were electrics, broadband extender, air con installation plus paying someone to build the jolly thing. It came in about €25k in all but he does pretty much live in it so it’s worth the money!

Putting the shed to one side for a moment- if you wanted to spend thousands on something for yourself, or predominately for your benefit, would he raise any objections regarding the cost? That would be an important consideration for me.

60 not 100! I'm 62 and perfectly capable of putting up my huge poly tunnel, digging trenches to bury the skirt, emptying a trailer full of large logs into a neat pile, moving heavy furniture etc. Don't assume that people are no longer capable when they reach a certain age.

My DH got a new bigger shed last year and he and I put it up, we are both in our 70s and not exactly marathon running fit! (I am also a foot shorter and several stone lighter than my DH) I hadn't realised quite how big and heavy some of the panels were (it was also a very substantial shed as comment above), and we had to carry each panel some distance to where we erected it. Getting the roof panels in position was particularly heavy and awkward. A neighbour did offer to help, but he wasn't around while we were working on it. Not sure I would do it again, but there was a sense of achievement when it was done, and no one died!

If you do it, my DH bought some handles that he temporarily attached to each panel to make it much easier to grip and lift them otherwise there's no where to get hold, and also to steady them as they were attached together, a few props are also essential to keep things in approximate position, and wait for still weather. Also take your time, I couldn't carry more than one or two before needing a break and we spread it over a few days. Good luck.

I am aghast at all the posts telling you to get your wellies on and get on with it. This is a ridiculous proposition.

No he designed and built it from scratch including base preparation - did all the frames himself and only needed me to help move them and hold steady while he screwed them together. He clad it all and roofed it on his own once the frame was built. He doesn't have me standing there passing screws and twiddling my thumbs - he only asks for my help when it literally is a 2 man job and he can't manage on his own, lifting or holding in place. He spent hours on it while I was out or doing other stuff, but I didn't have to do much, he just gets on with it.

As can she when she wants something doing in the house presumably!

And he's an arse to work with. I'm sure if it was an hour long job you'd grit your teeth and help but an all singing & dancing shed will take a long time. My ex built an office in our garden, he was capable & fit but it still took a lot of time and sweat, and wasn't straight forward.

It's too big an ask for someone who doesn't feel physically able to help, or want to spend several weeks being cursed at.

Maybe this is an occasion for some weaponised incompetence from the OP? You'll help but in your own time, slowly and carefully and within limits. Oh dear, no, I can't lift that, it's too heavy. I'll just have to put this down to rest my back. You need your blue pencil from the house, just a minute..... yes, it took me half an hour to find it, smile, head-tilt etc. The minute he snaps at you or says something nasty, you down tools and go indoors for a cuppa. He'll soon get fed up.

I’m 30 and there’s no way in hell I’d do this. I’m not a professional builder or labourer, which is clearly what he needs to help him.

I’m strong and fit and happy to muck in with reasonable things but this is well beyond reasonable. I’d not be risking injuring myself for the sake of a shed.

He's being really selfish, OP.
He prizes the project selfishly, but is ignoring your concerns and expects you to fall in behind.
On repeat, "This is your vanity project and a foolish use of resource, I'm not involved and I don't want to hear another word."

He wants a champagne shed on a lemonade budget. What he is proposing is far too ambitious for DIY for two of you.

OK if he got the existing one removed by someone and got a flatpack assembled by someone else, then did the bespoke bits himself (and you?). But to me, what he is proposing is far too much for DIY.

Get a few more quotes for demolition, removal, and assembly of the flatpack. Or just buy a decent shed in the size he wants and assemble that, or have it delivered made up. Then he can play around with it for the next ten years or so. These projects rarely get finished on time or properly.

I would not do what he suggests, but I would help if he compromised. I'm mid 60s and not afraid of hard work, but one man's dream is not always mine!

Have you got any friends with older teens looking for some extra cash to labour for him? My DCs love going round to help my dad with stuff. He gives the £20, my mother plies them cakes and biscuits all day and the jobs get done.

I think you need to spell it out to him that you are doing your MA and DON’T have hundreds of hours to be available. It’s all well and good demanding your support, but he’s not reciprocating.

He doesn't really want to build this epic shed himself, he knows it's a bit of a nightmare project. He's just shocked at the cost and turning to me to help him out, which is his reflex action. It was the comparison with driving out to the garage and bringing me back — an hour of his time and not involving blood, sweat and tears — that really got my goat. How dare he compare a simple drive, something that was very little effort for him, with hour after hour of hard physical work that I'm really not cut out for. He's talking about me contributing thousands of pounds-worth of free labour. I could have had a taxi back from the garage for £18. It's about the fact that he takes my input for granted and doesn't value it that hurts.

Have you told him how much that comparison hurt you? What was his response? FWIW I think you're a saint for putting up with this level of neediness for decades! I roll my eyes when I hear that my sister and her DH do EVERYTHING together (no disabilities), from food shops to GP appointments to all social occasions so I have a very low tolerance for this stuff.

I helped mine build a shed which was just for him. It wasn't a massive shed but we put the base down, built it, put the felt on the roof and I helped him insulate the inside. He was in charge, I just helped in areas where he needed things holding whilst he drilled which I'm perfectly capable of.

He's built enough stuff for me over the years and it saves us money in the long run so it's only fair to help if I can.

So, what would happen if you should just say "No, I'm not doing that. I'll help you put up a premade shed, but I'm not serving as your 'go-fer' or carpenter's apprentice for such a huge job.

There is a HUGE difference between driving a car ('passive' activity) and building a shed ('active' activity). But if he wants to play 'tit for tat' I think I'd get a pencil and paper and write down something like this:

Follow car to garage 20 min (or however long)
Bring wife home 20 min
Take wife to garage 20 min
Drive home 20 min
total time 80 min

Then I'd tell him, OK you have 80 minutes (however many) of my time to help you build your shed. I'd also tell him that at the first sign of impatience or snappishness on his part you will 'down tools' and walk away.

Yes, a couple should 'share the load' and help each other out. But your 'share' seems to be much larger than his and he sees what he does, not as sharing the load, but a debt to be repaid. TBH, if that's the case then I'd look to make myself much more independent of his help. Before I asked, I'd stop and consider how/if I could accomplish it without his 'help'.

It's a man like your DH that makes some women pray he'll take up golf!

In think just say No .It's a heavy job and he needs a bloke or 3! .If he doesnt want to ask his mates then he will have to pay for someone. CF or what!

We had a shed built and installed by a company which supports homeless people. I don’t know if they are all over the country but I had a diy local lay the paving and cornerstone designed and came and installed. Installation took one day. I know your DH wants to save money but arthritis in hands and bad back it is an absurd ask.

If it was something predominantly for myself, I'd pay for it and wouldn't expect him to help me with money or his time/ effort. I wanted to go on a long weekend break to an area in which I have an academic interest, to look at the archeology. It wasn't something DH had any interest in. I'd planned to go alone initially, but the accommodation I'd booked was big enough for two and including him cost little more, so he ended up coming and doing his own thing (cycling, walking) while I talked with the experts. I paid for everything because it was my choice.

See this is your issue - I was mostly out while mine was doing all that 😃. He gets on with his DIY and literally only ever calls me to help him move something, lift something or hold something steady that he can't do on his own. I'm never around for the measuring, thinking,cutting, losing stuff etc.so don't have to listen to it. I have changed my mind, YANBU if you have to put up with all that - in MN terms, you don't have a DIY problem, you have a DH problem 😄. Mine is building a 7x4m gym next which will be insulated etc. like yours - I'll still leave him to get on with most of it😉.

Ha ha. Build a shed with you? My arse 😒

I don’t think he’d be unreasonable for asking, OP — but it sounds to me more as though he’s expecting, not asking. And, just as I think he’s not unreasonable to ask, I think you’re not unreasonable to say no. I’m younger than you, with no arthritis, but that would be my idea of hell. (Luckily my DH and I are both inept when it comes to such things, so it’s not a situation I’m likely to find myself in!)
Now, if it was something you both wanted, he might have more of a case. As it is, it does sound as though you might benefit from it indirectly; are all your finances shared? If not, I think I’d be inclined to say no way to helping but that I’d happily contribute an agreed percentage to the cost of having it built. (I wouldn’t be stumping up 50% though!)

😅😅😅😅😅😅😅. April fools yes?nofuckinway

I genuinely love doing stuff like this. I'm not that strong but I love love love a physical technical challenge.

Doing it with ANYONE who is critical, nasty, tuts, shouts....fuck off, I'm staying in painting my nails and watching Meghan Markle waft about putting a pink flower in an ice cube.

He probably doesn't want an outsider or an employee or a friend as he then has to be polite and can't talk to them the way he does with his wife.