DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

[Tripewriter]

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

My DH is exactly as you describe and we can barely load the dishwasher together, let alone build a shed. For the sake of your marriage, hold this boundary.

Yes, this is it! He's not deliberately nasty or controlling or self-obsessed, he just assumes that what's on his mind or what he's doing will be of interest to me and others around.

Now imagine having to stand there holding a heavy length of timber while he does the 'I think that needs of be 2008mm. Or is that the bit I'd saved for the long stretch? Hold it still while I measure. There are quite a few knots in this, it might need treating. It looks a bit warped to me, so I'll have to take that into account. I should be wearing the black gloves for this, not these orange ones. Where did you put my black gloves? Have you seen my rule? Not that one, the red one. Where's my pencil? Have you got my pencil?' And that this goes on for weeks, possibly for months, while you have other things like work and essays and reading to do...

Thoughts & prayers, @Tripewriter , thoughts & prayers.😂

It seems like what you really want to avoid is how he speaks to you and treats you when you're helping him.

It's not completely unreasonable to ask you to help him but if he's being nasty and difficult no wonder you don't want to.

I think the responses you're getting are because people think this is a 6'x4' shed from B&Q not the Grand Designs of outbuildings you'll need drawings for. It's clear you can't and don't want to be involved and you know best how this is going to go.

If I were in your position, I'd be supportive in any way I could but I would not be the labourer for weeks on end. I have arthritis too and know it's just not practical to do this even if you wanted to. I would also try to limit the possibility of me being to blame for anything, which also means not being involved at all because that'll count!

Has he actually figured out what all the materials will cost and how much of the £15k he saves if you build it? I mean for £10k saving I might be quite willing even if it would be hard work. Chances are it’s a lot less than that though and I’d question if it’s worth spending that much time on something you don’t want to do in order to save money. Is an alternative that he pays the company to build the shell and you OH does a lot of the interior bits himself?

Being 60 isn’t too old to do manual labour if you want to, but I’m fucked if I’m going to do something I don’t want to do, just because the DH has a yearning and an idea in his head.

Thankfully, at our age, we should have gained the confidence to tell him to bugger off and pay someone to help him build his expensive folly/dream shed.

Our large polytunnel needs a serious sorting inc. the weeds clearing out and just this morning I suggested to DH that we need to pay someone to do the hard graft. Once it’s cleared, I’ll be happy to plant up tomatoes etc in it, as I have done in previous years, but I’m not risking injury to save a few quid.

I’ll be in my sewing room, if anyone wants me…

Honestly, I'd just pay a handy man

I wouldn't help. I'd either do the prefab option you suggested or the £15k option or forget the whole idea.

From what you've described the amount of work it is, it will take months and lots of arguments and wasted time for you to do it together.

My peace and time is worth more than that to me personally, especially for something that's only a shed and nothing exciting.

Shed cautionary tale - My Dad at 70 odd decided to get a new massive shed after lockdown which arrived partially built. He managed to break his arm while working on it, arm has never fully recovered and the garden is blighted by a shed that has never been used...

Df would happily do that. DM would help by holding things in place.
They're 80yo.
Df would laugh at a 60yo who thought they were too old.

I'm 43 and I would not want to commit to a project like that. I often work on stuff with DH, he does a lot of construction work, DIY etc, including doing it self employed for a while. He's lovely to work with, thoughtful, organised, excellent at teaching stuff you don't know about and so on. I happily get on board with him with various projects he has going on, and I also love a bit of gardening etc so am happy with lifting stuff, humping wood about outside and so on. I have my own work gloves and two tool boxes so I am quite capable of a good DIY project.

But looking at this whole plan, your DH is basically expecting you to commit an enormous chunk of your free time over the best weeks of the entire year weather wise, to do what is clearly physically very hard work, especially if you have any kind of physical health issues. And it sounds like he will be an arse to work with in the process.

I don't think you are being unreasonable purely from a time commitment perspective, let alone the work, your health, his overall behaviour. I like the point made by a previous poster, that you should take as much interest in it as he does in your MA. (which sounds awesome by the way!)

I hear you OP. My DH is the same!

But does he shout at you and measure each thing a dozen times?

I have a husband like yours. I don’t like helping him with his jobs because he’s a tyrant.
hold still, let go, where did you put my pencil etc. That he had 2 seconds ago. No thanks just constant commands.
We also have an allotment that he loves, only grows what he loves to grow, not necessarily eat. Everything comes from allotment with soil, etc. Think lettuce with root attached.
Then the complaining about how much work it is, I don’t garden, would rather buy from shop is cheaper. I know more about growing vegetables and looking after hens than I ever wanted to know.
He takes no interest in what books or crafts I’m doing.

There seems to be a 'type'. He's quite lovable in other ways: yours too, I hope.

Old people are obsessed with proving they can do things so people don't think they're old, it doesn't mean it's a good thing.

My MIL is the same, she has to be walking up 6 flights of stairs instead of getting the lift to prove she's not old. It's terrible for her joints at her age but she insists.

I think when you're genuinely comfortable with your age you don't feel the need to prove things.

YANBU. You have other stuff to do (including 15 hours paid work and housework), you are 60 years old and you have arthritis in your hands and lumbar issues in your back. He needs to find someone else to help, yes you may have had issues before with a labourer, so this time see if you can find a recommendation for a good one, or better still, pay a friend or family member cash-in-hand to help out. You already pull your weight in the relationship, the fact that relationships are a partnership doesn't mean you are obliged to do unpaid physical labour for a project that mainly benefits him when you have neither the time nor the physical fitness to do so.

You dont sound like you like him very much OP.

I am with your husband here that its something I would definitely do with mine, but can also appreciate he wants to undertake something epic too and you don't feel up to it.

I'm 56 and would happily help build a shed. But then I would also happily try to do it on my own too.

DP and I mostly work well together but there have been occasions where I drop tools and say 'Nope. You're being a bit of a dick' or 'I'll do it when you ask nicely, sunshine' and walk away to do some deep breathing. Sometimes he overestimates my strength and I have to put him right, or remind him that I'm not the Keeper of Pencils of whatever. But it's all done with good humour.

However. If you don't want to do it, that's fine. DIY is not everyone's Thing. Just tell him you're not going to help and he'll have to find someone else.

Some are. My neighbour is 60 and looks and acts way older. 60 isn’t that young. I’m in my 40s and no way am I building a shed

I doesn’t matter what the project is: OP doesn’t want to do it.
she is effectively being co-opted against her will to do a big project that she is just not interested in and doesn’t want to spend her time on. That is absolutely fair enough. We are not talking about a couple of hours to help out. I wouldn’t want to do it either.
Stay strong and say no, OP.

He doesn't really want to build this epic shed himself, he knows it's a bit of a nightmare project. He's just shocked at the cost and turning to me to help him out, which is his reflex action. It was the comparison with driving out to the garage and bringing me back — an hour of his time and not involving blood, sweat and tears — that really got my goat. How dare he compare a simple drive, something that was very little effort for him, with hour after hour of hard physical work that I'm really not cut out for. He's talking about me contributing thousands of pounds-worth of free labour. I could have had a taxi back from the garage for £18. It's about the fact that he takes my input for granted and doesn't value it that hurts.

I would start engaging him in conversation about your MA at regular intervals, and each time you are helping him with the bloody shed. A couple of weeks of that should make it easier to point out that he can't expect you to give him many hours of your physical and mental effort for his pet project when he has no interest in reciprocating.

Our neighbour got one off market place. £300 lovely condition. A local handyman erected it.

I'm shocked at the price are we talking about a barn?