(Most) Women don't look at men the same way men look at women?

[focuseddreamer]

Please can you all help me out as I’m interested to find if AIBU? Named changed for this.
Had a heated discussion with husband earlier this week where it came around to a subject we’ve discussed many times in the past but I always get shut down. Women don’t look at men in the same way as men look at women (I know that’s a very broad statement). So essentially he is saying many men will look at a woman and think “ cor look at the arse on that” and I agree as fundamentally males brains are hard-wired to do that. I am saying that (most) women do not look at men and think the same way. Women are more likely to think “ Cor he’s gorgeous/big/strong/intelligent/charismatic” etc, fundamental difference as women’s brains are hard-wired to look for a good mate to produce healthy off- spring.
Apparently, I’m wrong, I don’t know how women think and a lot of women think about men the same way men think about women!
So I’m interested to think what your thoughts on the subject are please. I’d like to show him the results from a group of women 😊

I've definitely physically lusted after random men i didn't know yes.
I don't think men and women are that different in the way they feel sometimes but what is different is how we are socialised to express it.
Just because I happened to glance up and saw a man I lusted after doesn't mean I would think it appropriate to talk about it or make sexualised comments. Or even to indulge in the feelings of lusting after a stranger.
I mean it's definitely there. I habe a high sex drive, even more so when younger. I definitely have looked at men and even ones I didn't like their personalities.. and thought about having sex with them.
But never in a million years would I have slapped them on the bum or shouted 'nice arse' or even made sexualised comments to my own friends about them.
I think some groups of men take some kind of pride in their own lust to be honest. Like it's a badge of honour that they like a woman's tits. I think the main difference is they are more likely not to care or even like that it's disrespectful.

So I think men and women can be worked the complete same way yet men are often socialised to make a big song and dance out of their sexuality like it's a power move.
Obviously you sometimes get women like that too.. but more often you see it in men. I don't think it's a natural instinct to comment like women are pieces of meat.
We all have sexuality, we all might think sexual things when we see someone attractive. What we don't all do is think it's ok to discuss a strangers body.

What I have heard - and it makes sense to me - is that from an evolutionary point of view men are driven to disperse their seed so look more to fertility features ( so boobs, hips). Women, who weather the vulnerability ( in cave person terms) of the encumbrance of 9 months of pregnancy ( and what heavily woman could outrun a sabre tooth tiger?) and have the duty of raising and protecting the offspring look more to signs of a man being protective and sticking round - so kind eyes, broad sabre-tooth tiger resisting shoulders etc.

In other words men like bodily bits that feature highly in procreation, women look more to character.

It's the opposite in our household - I look at both men and women, he doesn't stare at either 😂

same, if I do a double take then a man really must be crafted by the gods

I don’t think I’ve ever looked at a man and thought “cor…look at the [whatever] on him”. A bit of a body is pretty meaningless. Attractiveness for me is almost entirely based on character. Even with my DH, the physical
attractiveness grew for me as I got to know him and I felt comfortable with him (and fell in love). Now I find him insanely attractive and I just love everything about him (personality and appearance) but I didn’t feel like that when we first got together. I didn’t think him unattractive, I felt fairly neutral about his appearance.

Same.

And if he’s thick or arrogant even his godly form can’t save him.

I notice a man's looks / height etc first in a social situation, but once we start talking, if he isn't interesting / witty / engaging then his looks don't matter and I'm not interested. I'm also assessing whether or not he might be a physical threat - if I'm on my own coming home on the train for example, he might look like George Clooney but I'm only interested in whether or not he might be a threat and there's no way I'd engage in any way.

TokyoKyoto
I agree about the increased sex drive in peri menopause. That's when I started lusting after my baldie. I think it's a last shot of your oestrogen desperately casting around to have one last baby!

I also have a lot of sex dreams - unfortunately at 54 dh's libido has taken a sharp nosedive (I'm early 40's). He only used to have to look at me and get an erection and now it often takes some coaxing and I sometimes can't be arsed as it feels a bit insulting (not fair I know). It's gutting.

I don’t spend a lot of time eyeing up men if I’m honest. Maybe just occasionally (if my husband’s t shirt goes up his stomach looks good).

I think some men spend a lot of time ogling women and others don’t. I suspect my husband doesn’t. Possibly because he’s worked in all female environments for all of his adult life

Sounds like the Daily Mail's comment section TBF.

Your husband, like so many men, hates the idea that women might fancy men purely on the basis of physical attraction. I think a lot of men find this idea threatening, and prefer to think that they will get women because of their sparkling wit and amazing personality.

Anyway, your husband is wrong. Of course women notice men who are physically attractive. They may not do it as overtly as men do, and certainly won't make comments on the man's body parts, but that's not to say they don't notice. They do.

So I think men and women can be worked the complete same way yet men are often socialised to make a big song and dance out of their sexuality like it's a power move.

Totally agree. And it is a power move. Being vocal about one's sexual tastes is something that men are pressured to do from their teenage years. It's an unspoken way of proving your masculinity and thus bonding with other men (over, I suppose, your shared power over women).

Women and gay men are socialised to hide their sexual tastes, on the other hand. We have to deal with the tired myth that women aren't visual and all we want is a good provider and a good father, and what even is physical attraction? I consider that a patriarchal myth and linked to homophobia - it enables straight men to avoid having to be on the receiving end of the sexual gaze.

If you walk down the road you can literally see men eying up women as they walk past. Maybe woman are just more subtle than men but I don't think I have ever seen a woman actively eying a man up in the street. Personally, I almost never notice attractive men in passing, I am far more 'turned on' by connection, chemistry, rapport etc which relies on speaking to someone.

No, the OP's dh is sayi that women DO think about men the same way as women ie. "Cor look at the arse on that - Id fuck that" the op disagrees and most women here seem to agree with her.

I can certainly look at a fit bloke and think "for" but it's not very often at all, even when I was younger. And for me to actually take off my clothes and shag someone they'd have to have a cracking personality too. I will say the two men I've been very attracted to in my life (dh and baldie guy) are both very charismatic men. Very confident and both self motivated/successful.

I guess this is why beautiful young women go out with ugly older men - success and confidence is a very attractive trait to a lot of women.

Think "cor" not bloody for!

I'm always embarrassed for the wives who usually are right next to them as they ogle their way down the high street.

"Fundamentally males brains are hard-wired to do that." This is certainly what toxic masculinity has told women forever. I've always had a thing for the back of a man's neck, and hands. No idea why... still body parts though. Men often spout this drivel about how it's their biological right to objectify women's body parts without realising that we all do it to some degree, but it's the language around it that separates us: "nice arse," is a yawn tbh, and kind of associated with men who feel the need to say it out loud, so that the rest of their objectifying tribe will slap each other on their hairy backs and feel like hot boys. If that helps him at all, feedback wise....

If you’re taking specifically about arses then no I don’t think most men will be arsed about arses, I’d say they’re more interested in boobs!

More than anything they like good looking faces with good bodies. No good having a nice body without an attractive face. Very shallow but that will never change

I had an ex who used to do it if I was driving. He'd sit back and play his own "who might I like today" fantasy, ogling women on the street. He once oggled a woman twenty years younger than us both who was walking down the road, he literally sort of ducked down so he could get a better look, and I said "would you like me to pull over?" He denied it. Yawn.

I can appreciate an attractive man, but I very very rarely see any when out and about. I see maybe 1 good looking man for every 50 pretty women I see. I think most men are unremarkable to unattractive.

If we're talking about strangers, then for me it would be if they had a really cool outfit, and they looked confident. Some men are objectively handsome facially but very boring looking to me. I like people that look a bit different. Not perfect or very muscular. I do prefer tall slim guys with hair on their head but hate hairy bodies!

If someone's wearing a kilt then that'll get my attention straight away. 🤣

Do I lust after men's arses etc though? Not really. I very rarely see anyone out and about who I think 'phwoaww...you're well fit'.

I think the difference is that men actively look to check if the woman passing them in the street has a nice arse etc. Women don’t actively assess every passing stranger to see if they are worth ogling over.

If a guy walked past me topless with bulging biceps and great abs I would probably think wow, he looks nice, but he would have to be pretty much flaunting his body in front of me for me to notice.

I hear you - the libido of a fifty-something man is absolutely no match for a perimenopausal woman with raging sex drive!

I definitely can check a man out without knowing a single thing about him.

If me and my friends are having coffee and a hot man walks in we will definitely comment between us on him.

I think a big difference is that women are less likely to direct this towards the man. So whilst we might sit down in Starbucks and giggle at how sexy the man serving us was, we definitely wouldn't comment 'nice arse' when he bends down to get us the cup. Wheras, as a woman who was worked in that environment, lots of men actually would. So because you don't wander round hearing women making sexual remarks to men (as frequently) I think it seems as though we don't have those thoughts. We do, we just don't blurt them out to strangers as much.

This has actually been a repeated conversation amongst our friend group.

Initially we leant toward women just being more attractive in general, so men notice them more than women notice men.

But this was confounded when we sought out the opinion of a few gay friends. Gay men tend to notice men in the same way that heterosexual women, whereas gay women don't tend to lust after other womens physical attributes the way straight men do. So the evidence lends itself to OPs theory that its an innate male trait.

Weirdly, it also seems to hold true with genitals. Straight women tend to find mens genitals unattractive but functional, (hence the usual "last chicken in the shop" description) whereas men really do tend to find womens genitals attractive. Gay men however tend to find a nice penis attractive in a way women don't.

It was around this point we decided that maybe we were thinking about this too hard and should maybe change the subject.