(Most) Women don't look at men the same way men look at women?

[focuseddreamer]

Please can you all help me out as I’m interested to find if AIBU? Named changed for this.
Had a heated discussion with husband earlier this week where it came around to a subject we’ve discussed many times in the past but I always get shut down. Women don’t look at men in the same way as men look at women (I know that’s a very broad statement). So essentially he is saying many men will look at a woman and think “ cor look at the arse on that” and I agree as fundamentally males brains are hard-wired to do that. I am saying that (most) women do not look at men and think the same way. Women are more likely to think “ Cor he’s gorgeous/big/strong/intelligent/charismatic” etc, fundamental difference as women’s brains are hard-wired to look for a good mate to produce healthy off- spring.
Apparently, I’m wrong, I don’t know how women think and a lot of women think about men the same way men think about women!
So I’m interested to think what your thoughts on the subject are please. I’d like to show him the results from a group of women 😊

The idea it is "hardwired" into men is a misnomer. You can talk about evolutionary psychology for days but in reality we've had behaviour change in other areas that shows as a society patriarchal values allow this thinking to persist, not evolution.

A large amount of men quite have simply have lost empathy. They chose to spend time fighting wars on games, killing in real wars, doing solo activities rather than building friendships, going on MN and angering women for fun, they don't read so never put themselves in others shoes. They are angry and lonely as a result and the internet tells them to be angry at women. Women become objects for their pleasure, increasing happy hormones for a brief period of time until the woman moves on, which angers them again. Rather than looking long term at why they don't attract women (empathy and looking at the bigger picture of life) they get angry again and begin the surface level drama of finding one for a quick shag all over again.

That is why so many men look at women like objects, where women don't. It's a pattern of behaviour condoned by society and supported by the internet, not evolution.

It would put me off my lunch ! 🤣

😂 I always thought a luxuriant head of hair was one of the things I found attractive - never fancied a baldie. And then boom....I met a baldie who knocked me sideways - the most intense attraction I'd ever felt (this was not dh btw) 😬

I think you are definitely an outlier 😂

Yes attraction is a funny thing when it comes along!

This is the kind of debate that would become a proper argument for me - man mansplaining what ‘most women think’, as if he’d have a better idea than you (not envy)!

Female sexuality is generally speaking very different to that of men, not about men as sexual objects in the way many men see women. Women are also more likely to get turned on by touch, actions etc, and THEN become more ‘phwoar’ in the way he describes. But without these can feel nothing in the face of an attractive body part. Obviously variables but this is more the norm imo.

I voted YANBU but, got to admit, my first thought on seeing the guy who came to fix our boiler yesterday was, fucking hell, his arms!

So yeah, I thought your husband sounded like a sexist dick at first and then remembered I'm a massive hypocrite 😂

I don't 'mentally undress' men though, even attractive ones. Ewwwww!

Well OP appears to know how all men think so it’s no different.

According to Sigmund Freud both sexes are attracted to the traits of our opposite sex parent and that’s what we look for in a partner and so therefore are attracted to. Does your husband look like your father? Do you look like your MiL?

Venus and Mars.

Absent fathers must be why so many women chose not to have male partners then...(re: Freud)

Rubbish. Men do not seek perfection - most of them will shag anything in a skirt.
And yes it's a generalisation but it's a true one!

What was probably the case with those men in the bar is that they are misogynistic dickheads with low self esteem trying to convince one another that they'd be in with even a whiff of a chance with the women in the music videos by putting them down. You see it on SM all the time, fat, ugly incel types in the comments slagging off gorgeous women to try and bring them down a peg or two. Basically just sad bastards with small penises.

Ive never heard my dh of 20 years speak negatively of a woman's appearance and neither do my ds's/my df etc.

This gave me a genuine LOL moment. I had the same reaction - keep your clothes on please men!

women’s brains are hard-wired to look for a good mate to produce healthy off- spring

My woman brain must be deficient, then. I have never thought about that.

Mine doesn’t at all.

I also think there can be an element of being attracted to the opposite in a kind of “ Nature seeks to iron out flaws” way. Eg my friend had a very domineering, masculine father and has always been attracted to quite gentle, even faintly effeminate, men.

I think it’s more subconscious…

I agree with this. I’ve come to the conclusion that the most attractive aspect of a man is how unthreatening he is.

I think it is everything depending on the guy and the situation. A gorgeous hunk with a great body yup would get me thinking. Totally different to chatting to someone and thinking I might like to have a date with them. As for age difference if Austin But.er rocked up up all of the above despite being far too young for me. 😂

So I used to think the same thing, but as a lesbian I definitely do lust after some women’s bodies in the same way as that, usually women on TV as I’m married.

I don’t think men and women are fundamentally that different, it’s just we are socialised very differently. Speaking to heterosexual friends, I have realised how different dating women compared to men is. When dating women there’s no sexual double standards, no slut shaming, no fear of being raped or murdered.

I definitely would not have had the experiences I’ve had with women with men if I was attracted to them e.g. one night stands or sleeping together after one or two dates, because I wouldn’t have trusted them enough to feel safe and would have worried they would judge me for it. I’m not saying all women feel this way, but we do still live in a patriarchal world where female sexuality is judged and shamed and we have a high risk of violence from men, particularly male partners, we shouldn’t underestimate the impact of this on our behaviour and sexuality.

I honestly believe that if we lived in a truly equal world then a lot of women would feel more comfortable expressing their sexuality and there wouldn’t be such a huge difference between us and men.

Steroid popping gym bunnies with no personality and popping veins do feature low on future marriage material for a lot of women. Funny men haven't caught on...Oh a solo activity where I get to not talk and feel masculine, yay!

I guess that makes sense. I've never wanted children, but from the point of view of evolutionary biology perhaps yes.

When I hit perimenopause, for some reason I switched into feeling like how I imagine it is for young men. I thought about sex all the time, I actually tingled in places that shouldn't have been tingling while I was just going about my day. Like, if a nipple brushed on something, whammo: sexual thoughts. I had never felt like that, not ever in my life. Apparently it's the imbalance of testosterone as you lose oestrogen/progesterone.
I did start looking at men differently. And women. Entirely driven by hormonal changes. I kept it very, very quiet and you would never have known but I was thinking about arses and pecs and lips all the fucking time. Quite tiring really, and I would never have acted on it, but good fun as far as inner lives go.
(I have calmed down a little bit now I'm in menopause. I wonder how many women get this: most of my friends have the exact opposite and that's what I expected.)
Anyway, I think most women don't feel like that, for most of their lives. Obviously there are strong attractions but this physical response is something else.

I think I’d be more likely to notice a man’s face/physique rather than a particular body part. Tbh I don’t notice often and if I did it would be more of a passing thought around him being handsome rather than how your dh thinks of someone’s ass.

I agree with you. I think more about general "attractiveness", which includes personality, conversation etc., rather than specific physical attributes. I do occasionally think "he's got a nice face" about e.g. actors or people in the news, but it’s more about someone looking kind etc. than a particular feature.

I do remember once commenting to a friend that a man we knew had a nice arse - she was quite shocked! In mitigation, it was in my younger, single, less tired days. But it was just an observation; it didn’t mean I wanted closer contact with him. I didn’t actually like him much.