(Most) Women don't look at men the same way men look at women?

[focuseddreamer]

Please can you all help me out as I’m interested to find if AIBU? Named changed for this.
Had a heated discussion with husband earlier this week where it came around to a subject we’ve discussed many times in the past but I always get shut down. Women don’t look at men in the same way as men look at women (I know that’s a very broad statement). So essentially he is saying many men will look at a woman and think “ cor look at the arse on that” and I agree as fundamentally males brains are hard-wired to do that. I am saying that (most) women do not look at men and think the same way. Women are more likely to think “ Cor he’s gorgeous/big/strong/intelligent/charismatic” etc, fundamental difference as women’s brains are hard-wired to look for a good mate to produce healthy off- spring.
Apparently, I’m wrong, I don’t know how women think and a lot of women think about men the same way men think about women!
So I’m interested to think what your thoughts on the subject are please. I’d like to show him the results from a group of women 😊

I definitely look at women more too and find them more attractive - but not in a sexual way. I think it's probably more about checking out the competition and admiring women who have physical attributes we'd like ourselves.

Back at uni how did you decide who you wanted to snog on a night out? (If they weren't your boyfriend)

It’s out of order for men to eye up women. They should only be appreciating her non physical qualities.

It would entirely depend on how drunk I was. Standards were generally much lower after a few beers. I snogged (and more) some utter double-baggers tbf.

That’s it.
To be fair though, at home with my own DH? I’m as vulgar as any overly confident man in a bar 🤷🏻‍♀️😂😂
I’m the first one to wait until he’s bent at the waist putting his boxers on, ninja up behind him and smack his butt 🫠😂

As I was reading this I thought you were going to end it with "and give him a wedgie!"

Haven’t done that yet 😂 but I guess there’s still time 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Its not just me either….he’s made sneaky bum smacking an Olympic sport 🤨😂

I sort of agree with you. I can appreciate a man who is good looking in general, looking at the whole package, stuff like ‘oh he’s a nice dresser, has nice eyes, nice hair’ that sort of thing but it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m attracted ‘to’ him. I’ve always fallen in love with men I was friends with first and to be honest, the sexual attraction part has come after I’ve got to know them. I rarely look at random men and think ‘fwoar I would!’. And I’ve certainly never gawped a random man’s butt.

Yes @80s that’s what we were discussing

I saw a documentary on that, I've been trying to remember the name of it since I spotted this thread, I'm glad I wasn't imaginging it. Definitely worth a watch its a real eye opener that removes a lot of myths about womens sexual nature, no pun intended.

Exactly this! I will usually comment on someone having a nice feature, like their eyes for example, and my DP will instantly go into “oh you fancy him do you?!” In an accusatory tone! And I’m always saying, no! I just said he had nice eyes! He doesn’t have the same reaction if I comment on a women’s features - but to be fair to him, in all our years together he has NEVER sat there and commented on another woman or been that typical lad behaviour. Hah, seems he does have some redeeming qualities after all…. 😂

I can see that a man is attractive but I would never feel the need to do more than glance and I’ve always been like that. I’ve only ever felt attracted to any man after getting to know them well, in which case it’s kindness, humour, general interestingness. I’ve often heard women talking about men in a lustful way, usually a group of women, and always wonder whether they really feel that or are they putting it on.

This is exactly how I feel.

Yet some posters are determined that we must be sublimating the fact that what we really crave, love, admire (and are desperate for glimpses of) is a penis . 😐

I'm attracted to a man who is well groomed and not scruffy looking. If things were to go further, he would need to be tall, kind , a non smoker, easy on the booze and easy to talk to. Yes I do enjoy seeing a hot guy walk by wherever I am. Unfortunately most of them are unattainable (they're in the movies or on tv) not in the real world.

I look at hair, eyes and if they have their sleeves rolled up I love that. Don’t much care about weight, arse, not keen on big muscles I guess I like softer looking men, kind looking.

I imagine tastes change depending on your history of abuse etc.

How can you possibly assess this unless you have interacted with the man many times?

Being attracted to someone is different to finding something attractive about them whether that is nice eyes or bum or a small act of kindness witnessed. Thinking someone has lovely eyes doesn't necessarily mean you want to take him to bed, it's just something attractive about that person.

The truth is some women do genuinely make comments because they have found something physically attractive in the man, others don't. I don't thinks it an all or most situation, some do, some don't.

As a man, speaking from my own experience of attraction, there is not one specific body type or feature that I can put my finger on and say I will be attracted to women with that feature. I do have an affinity for women with short hair, can't explain why but it is there. There are some women I will view as pretty after one look but that doesn't mean I am going to start pursuing her. Occasionally I see a woman and think "wow", in a similar way as when I climbed to the summit of Slioch in the NW highlands and got the full 360 panorama on a beautiful warm sunny day (see attached photo). That would be down to the overall appearance, not a single physical property. Other times I might not be attracted to a woman until I get to know her better and find out her values and how she has lived her life. Someone with high morals and compassion to less fortunate people is very attractive to me. Someone who is affectionate towards me and cares is also very attractive. I know a couple of women who fit the last two sentences, they are older than me and married so am clearly not interested in a relationship, but if their personality traits were in a woman of around my age and single, I would be looking to ask her out, such women have the attractiveness of a cosmic black hole to me.

I'm a lesbian, and I've never once looked at a woman and thought 'wow great rack' or those kinds of locker room talk thoughts. I've also never thought 'yeah I'd shag her' or whatever, which is how you hear men talk.

Generally when I see other women I'm thinking things like 'wow her nails look cute', 'her hair is lovely', 'I wonder where she got that dress etc'. If it's a woman I fancy, it's still more of a 'she has a beautiful smile, she has a lovely face shape, I'd love to take her on a date' and that kind of thing. If it's someone I fancy, it's all about having a kind/nice face for me, and a good personality/similar morals etc.

I remember speaking to a close male friend, and he talked about the fact that when they're booking a hotel room, the first thing on his mind is sex. Blows my mind as it never once crosses my mind. I'm thinking about the view and the price 🤣 He also said when they go to the beach, he's just thinking about the bikini and sex 🤷 When I see girls in a bikini I'm wondering where they got it from and thinking the colours are cute.

It's not true for everyone, but I think men look at women in a more sexual way than we look at men (or women if you're gay). I think there is a biological component to this. Men have more testosterone and are typically more sexually driven, and in terms of the survival of the species, men will unconsciously be looking for attractive mates to spread their genes with. Women unconsciously in terms of biology will more be on the lookout for a kind, good man, thus ensuring survival of her offspring. I think we like to think we're better than that, but it's hard to fight millions of years or evolution whether we realise it or not.

However, I do think there's a huge societal component. It's normalised for men to objectify and sexualised women. Under patriarchy, the most important thing about a woman is how attractive and fuckable she is.

On a flip note, I've heard my friends privately talking how how hot men are, muscles etc, many times. I think the difference is women don't typically cat call and ogle in an obviously creepy way. I think maybe women are more aware of not doing it, because they themselves experience it regularly and it can obviously be uncomfortable! (To be clear, I'm not talking about a quick up and down glance if you see someone hot, I think that's fine!)

I voted YABU because I very much looked at some men in a purely sexual way when I was young and ovulating 😂

I don’t think men & women’s brains are wired differently. We all look at the menu so to speak and appreciate some eye candy. I do think women can be guilty of double standards. If men make sexual comments about a woman all hell breaks out but somehow it’s seen as acceptable when women make similar comments about men.

Why did you marry someone who is, at a very basic level, inconsiderate?

This is all so interesting. I agree with OP.
It's a generalisation but men are more likely to feel attracted to someone from their physical appearance and women are more likely to need in-person chemistry.

So a man could say from seeing a woman from a distance or a photo that he found her attractive enough for sex. However I would observe someone to be aesthetically pleasing (male or female) or not in that scenario, but for an actual attraction to them I'd have to meet and socially communicate with the person to see if I felt the chemistry or not. I'm not saying looks wouldn't come into it but I would need to experience the person as a whole presence.

I don't think I've explained it very well ...

Though I'm amused OP's husband can be sure how women think given that he has never been one!

I completely agree, men look at women and think "I'd shag her", I highly doubt the majority of women look at men and think that

No one has suggested women are athirst for penises.