DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.
Bit of backstory:
I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.
My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.
I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.
DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.
DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.
My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.
Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.
So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?
So far I’ve suggested:
- We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
- He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
- His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)
I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.