How to make Mother’s Day ‘fair’

[Chunkychips23]

DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.

Bit of backstory:

I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.

My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.

I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.

DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.

My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.

So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?

So far I’ve suggested:

• We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
• He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
• His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)

I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.

Have a lovely brunch or lunch with your mum and dc (and even dh if he and you want) and then go home to rest and have your dh take your dc to see his mum for afternoon tea. Enjoy some peace.

My dh takes ds to his mum's for an hour or two on mothers day while I get ready to go out or after we get back. It's bliss.

I couldn't bear all this silly in fighting especially over mothers day. I can understand it a bit more at Christmas time. You all sound as bad as each other tbh.

see his mom on saturday, see your mom on sunday, kids stay with you.

its your mothers day, do what you want to do with it.

if his mom wants to be a cantankerous individual, let it be his problem, not yours.

it isn't Grandmothers day.

Grandmothers who expect their daughters or daughters in law to bend over backwards on Mother’s Day when they have young children of their own who they spend all the time looking after need to get over themselves in my opinion. Who in their right mind thinks that Mother’s Day is so important that they simply must see their grandchild on that day, but it’s not so important that the child’s mother spends time with them. How do they make that internal logic make sense in their own heads.

I can't imagine one of my DC suggesting we did something nice on the day before Mother's Day and me thinking that was anything other than lovely 😂. I feel sorry for you having a MIL that's such hard work.

I would offer her the plan as you've suggested (you take the kids to your mum's house and he sees his on Sunday), you see her on the Saturday with DH and the kids, or anyone who wants to goes out to lunch together-but they have to pay their own way.

Completely agree. I find the fuss over Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day baffling and oddly forced - just appreciate your loved ones all the time.

Do you know what I'd do? I'd go with her mother's day plan, making the bare minimum effort. Husband has to sort everything, you follow like a passenger. Don't actively ruin it, but just turn up. No flowers, cards, timings, ideas from you or prompting your child for anything.

Then have a proper mother's day the weekend before or after that you can make sure she knows about and knows that hers is second rate because while she can take a horse to water, she can't make it drink. It will spoil it for her and teach her that she can tantrum as much as she wants but even getting her way wont get her what she wants which is exactly what she deserves for being so self centred.

That way DH can't say you havent tried, it gives her no argument for next year, you get the pleasure of getting one over on her, and it doesn't spoil your actual day by having it split up into different parts and having her stress on your shoulders. 🖕

I find the number of posts like this on MN at this time of the year mind boggling. We sadly don’t have DM or DMIL anymore but while we did neither of them would have dreamed of laying down the law on how I or DH spent Mother’s Day.

Do what works for your core family OP.

Oh shush. It's a forum where people can post what they like. Why bother commenting at all? And as for real problems, did you miss the bit where OP said she was bleeding out on the bedroom floor during her first pregnancy?

BUGGER. THAT!! Go see your mum with your kids. DH can come along, or not, but given the way MIL has behaved I would not give one tiny damn about her feelings on this! The longer you pander to her nonsense, the more entrenched it will become.

Personally I wouldn’t see mil ever. She sounds horrible! Dh needs to decide who is priority is.

He's being a twat. Honestly stick to your guns or you will have a lifetime of people thinking you are a pushover.
It's completely reasonable to want to go visit your own mum on mother's day with your own child.
He can go visit his mum with his other children
This is some kind of power move on MILs part.
Just say no
No is a full sentence. Go and see your mum and have a lovely day.
Can't believe some of the unsupportive DHs I read about on here. And MILs for that matter.
I don't get on with my MIL and my own mum is widowed and disabled so we will be going to see my mum with all the kids. My DH will even be driving my mum to the place we are going and paying. Because it is mother's day and I am the mother of his children and that's what I want.
His own mum will get a card and some flowers.
Even if I didn't exists that's all shed get coz that's all he's always done for mother's day.

I hope you have a good mother's day doing what you want to do.

I’d think him taking your dc for the day would be lovely, then you can have a nice relaxing lunch with your mum. But that would just be my thinking.

It's mother's day, so surely whatever you want is what happens.

For us mother's day generally went like this.

Me and DD would make DP breakfast in bed, she'd open her card, present etc. I'd then pop down to see my Mum for an hour or two. Sometimes I'd take DD, sometimes I wouldn't, depends on how DP wanted to spend her morning.

Then we'd come home, pick DP up and head to DPs mums for a bit, usually for Sunday lunch, cooked by FIL.

After DPs mum died, that bit would usually be replaced by heading out for an activity of DPs choosing, a nice walk or food or something.

Just host your DM at yours, and let DH visit MIL on his own this year.
Let your siblings and his, sort out their own arrangements, and if they already have something planned for Sunday with your DM or MIL leave them to it and pop over to both the day before with flowers etc and then chill with your DC on Sunday.

How many more years are you going to be dancing to other people's needs? Honestly you are hugely pregnant, do what you want to do.

Personally, I think you’re overthinking this.

You want to see your Mum on Mother’s Day and you’ll be taking your child. What your DH does or doesn’t do with his own Mum, what day or time that happens on, whether he includes his older children or not is between him and his Mum. It’s not on you to arrange the relationship between him and his mother.

Honestly, I am so glad this will never be me fighting to see my child on Mother’s Day with the mother of the person they marry. My DH and I decided before children that we would not do Mother’s or Father’s Day. I happily accept the cards they make at school, but that’s as far as it goes. Once they stop making the cards at school I don’t want them to buy one. I certainly don’t want a present.

We may well go out for brunch or a nice dinner that weekend but only because we often go out for meals, not because it’s a contrived day. Maybe we are weird in that we don’t do these days (or make a massive fuss of adult birthdays or anniversaries etc either) but I don’t understand doing something or seeing something just for the sake of the name of the day.

This!

Yup. Its origins have fuck all to do with actual mothers. But that wouldn’t sell flowers, cards and endless junk, would it. Nor would it have created an opportunity to to make up Father’s Day to sell yet more shit.

Every special occasion we go to in laws… they live across the road, however I’m due a week after Mother’s Day and I’ve become more comfortable with saying no, I don’t necessarily want to spend every special day with anyone other than my own little family!

my own mother never gets a look in unfortunately because she lives a couple of hours away so this year I’ve said in advance we will pop over in the morning but then my DH & DD5 are going home to have our own day together before baby arrives a week later.

Thanks all.

I want to spend the day with my DC, especially as my attention is about to become divided very soon. I also want to see my mother too! We’ve not had loads of mothers days together, as she worked shifts in medicine until retiring a couple of years ago. Same as my brother, so we’d actually all be available on the same Mother’s Day for a change.

I have zero issue with DH seeing his own DM. We don’t need to do it all together.

I’ve hosted joint things multiple times in the past, no issue. It’s just everything else that goes with hosting what will end up as 11 people.

As for going out for a meal with both mums, MIL expects us to go her favourite restaurant EVERY time. I’m not kidding. It’s the same one. Sure, it’s lovely, but it’s a 5min drive for her. An hour for us. And would be two hours for my mum. (We live pretty much an equal distance between both our mums) She gets upset at deviating from that norm. It’s where she expects to go for every occasion. She’ll refuse to come and cause a drama or guilt trip.

I agree that DH and his siblings need to sort it out between themselves. She’s their mother, it shouldn’t be down to DH to arrange everything (and me, by proxy)

I think i’m just going to stick to my original plan. I’ve been very accommodating over years, often at my own expense with his family. My brother can escort me to and from lunch to put DH at ease.

And I really don’t know why my MIL has become the way she is. She used to be absolutely lovely and I spent lots of time with her. DH thinks it might be the onset of dementia potentially, causing personality changes. I try and treat her with kindness because life is too short to hold onto animosity, but I do also need to protect my own peace as well.

Why not have lunch with your mum and then let DH take little one to his mum's for tea?

Oh good grief it's him.

Does your husband acknowledge that his mother’s behaviour towards you is out of order?