How to make Mother’s Day ‘fair’

[Chunkychips23]

DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.

Bit of backstory:

I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.

My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.

I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.

DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.

My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.

So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?

So far I’ve suggested:

• We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
• He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
• His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)

I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.

See one of them on Saturday.

See your own mums. Your H sounds controlling.

What does your husband say when you highlight that you have no personal responsibility to make sure everyone is treated fairly when one of those people doesn’t treat you with basic respect and kindness?

I would both go and see your own mums separately and take in turns taking the kids with you.

He can take the DC this year, so you and your mum can have a nice relaxing lunch together.
And you can take them to your mums next year.

I would make this an every year thing where you see your mums separately.

I actually don’t know many couple who see their mums on Mother’s Day with their partners.
Surely you’d want to have 1 day where you can spend time with your adult children without their partners there.
And logistically it just makes it easier.

Then you can celebrate your Mother’s Day with your kids and DH in the morning/evening as a little unit.

Could you do a breakfast/brunch with one and an afternoon meal with the other?

To be honest it really over rated, I get cards and prob a bottle wine and some flowers (supermarket £3.99 because i told them i don't want some big thing costing them a fortune if they feel they have to buy gifts). Then I probably don't see them the rest of the day. I pop over my mums with the kids, DH pops over his mams, we both literally spend an house with them having a cuppa.

Given your prior history I think you need to focus on what is right for you and your family. No hosting, go out with your mum. Pop into his mum's afterwards for a cup of tea with a present and some flowers for half an hour. Job done.

I think you have fallen into the classic Mother’s trap of trying to solve everyone’s problems. This isn’t your problem to solve.

Tell your DH that you have made plans, you and your DC are going for lunch with your DM and your DB. He is more than welcome to join you, equally, he is more than welcome to spend the day with his DM. End of conversation.

Seriously too much emotion is involved with this.

It is one day. Have a lovely breakfast with your family, Send dc off with your dh and go and do something nice with your mum, without any responsibilities. It is not grandparents day, so frankly grandchildren are not in consideration.

Your dh needs to stand up to his mother. How does he feel about the way she is treating you now?

I agree you go with your mum, he goes to his, your dc goes with you, although I suppose he could take the dc and you see your mum on your own

if he wants to be with you because of what happened last time then he comes to the meal with your mum and perhaps you he and your dc pop into mil for a few minutes after?

Eitherway it’s Mother’s Day, so your day and you get to do what you want

Why is your husband allowing his mother to make nasty comments and treat you badly? What’s he doing about it?

your MIL is being ridiculous. If she sees you 2-3 times a month why is she fussing about not seeing your child on one day?

best solution is for you to see your mum and him to see his, you keep your child with you if you want as it’s also your Mother’s Day.

if MIL doesn’t like it you can all see her on Saturday (for god’s sake, it makes no difference at all) or frankly not at all and she can get over herself.

you need to stop tying yourself in knots over this and your husband needs to set some boundaries otherwise this nonsense will only get worse over the years.

Tell your MIL, as the famous saying goes: You get what you get and you don't get upset.

Stick to having it as YOUR day. You can sort out with your Mum's a different meet up.

Honestly, I pandered to all this 'must do something for the Mum's' when I first got together with my DH nearly 30 years ago. My eldest is 23. I have had ONE MD with my own little family - covid year. It's difficult as both Mums are widowed, DH is an only child and my sibling lives away. We are all fairly local.

Every year it's a massive operation to find something for both Mums to do, and I get overlooked. My own DCs don't even think of me as being part of Mother's Day.

Stand your ground now, and have your own day - especially with your current situation.

I agree with this.

But OP wants to be with her own child for Mother's Day and I'm sure that OP's mum would like to see her grandchild.

Every time I see one of this type of post on here, I’m relieved that I told my kids to stop buying into the artificial hype that is mother’s day (no caps deliberately) when they were kids.

We’ve had 40 years without stress, and it’s great.

Just stay home with your feet up, let your husband and child bring you breakfast in bed, or whatever would please you, and read a good book.

It's Mother's Day not Grandmother's Day, she has no right to demand to see your child. Honestly, stop worrying so much about her feelings, she obviously doesn't mind upsetting you.

It’s Mother’s Day. You’re a mother. You choose how to spend your special day.

MIL can do one. She’s had plenty of Mother’s Days in the past.

It's Mothers Day. You see your Mum, DH sees his and your child sees you. DH can take the DC to see MIL and FIL on Fathers Day.

She’s not the mother of your child so it’s irrelevant whether she sees them on Mother’s Day and your husband should remind her of that. Your plan sounds perfect!

This

I'd host everyone but get your dh to do most of the prep or see one on Saturday and one on Sunday. It's only a day.

If it was this much drama I'd say why don't you all go out for lunch? That way you both see your mum's and they both get to see their children/grandchild.
Or you see your mum's separately and DH tells his mum if she wants to see her grandchild on Mother's day she needs to stop being a bitch to you (he can put it more politely if he wants).

It’s time your husband told his mother to stop being unpleasant to his wife.

We either visited both our mums on the Saturday and spent actual Mother day with dh, myself and our children.

or

we had the morning to ourselves, we went to my mums for lunch then Mils for coffee and cake later on.

why should dh miss spending the day altogether and it’s a shame mil doesn’t get to see the children but your mum sees them.

Have you ever been to a mothering day service at Church? They are quite sweet and uplifting.