How to make Mother’s Day ‘fair’

[Chunkychips23]

DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.

Bit of backstory:

I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.

My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.

I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.

DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.

My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.

So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?

So far I’ve suggested:

• We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
• He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
• His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)

I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.

OK, I've just looked at your other threads and remember the one about your mum's birthday. Your DH is terrible and his mum as bad. Don't spend Mother's Day with either of them.

This. Just another reason why I'm glad I'm childfree.

MIL is neither your Mum nor your childrens Mum.
People should spend Mothers Day with their own Mum if thats what they want and should not be guilted into spending it with anyone elses Mum.
I always spent it with My Mum and the DC with us, I gave DH the option of joining us or spending it with his Mum.
My Mum died last year and DH suggested we all spend the day with his Mum, SIL and her family but I have said no. I don't normally mind spending time with them but I refuse to spend Mothers Day with them.
Rushing around trying to please everyone usually means you please noone

My sis-in-law and I alternate hosting for Mother's Day and we invite both sets of mums (i.e. her mum, my MIL, and my mum).

It's not a big deal. We often get a tray of sandwiches and buy cakes to create an afternoon tea. Very simple!

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date.

And yet just a month ago...

Being reminded of that thread has slightly changed my approach. See your mum. MIL is offered a choice. She sees you all on Saturday instead, or just her DS on Sunday.

Ffs It's a religious day, probably linked to mary. Sorry this is ridiculous op. Let your partner sort himself and him mean mum out dont get involved she's not your mum.

I’ve said this on another thread about Mother’s Day - when there is a “current generation” mum with young children at home doing the hard slog of mothering every single day then she is the one who takes priority. Not the older generation mums whose children are now adults. Older mums should still be thanked and acknowledged but not prioritised over the mum with children at home.
Ie YOU are the priority on Mother’s Day, not your MIL or your own mum. You definitely shouldn’t be hosting your mum/mil while suffering in late pregnancy, just to try and keep everyone happy.

YANBU. If MIL was emotionally mature she would say “oh no I’m not seeing DS and DIL this year for Mother’s Day because she’s heavily pregnant, but I’m organising a brunch with my other children” - no drama required.

You see your mum, DH sees his and DC stays with their mum (you)
If there is a problem with how often MIL sees DC, DH addresses it e.g takes DC over another time. If she is just making a fuss because your mum sees DC - just ignore these controlling games.
Your brother is escorting you if there is an issue.

Oooh if I were in your shoes I would have a lovely family day with your DH and DC on the Saturday for your Mothers Day. Then on Mothering Sunday you have a fuss in the morning over you and your mum gets to meet at yours to see your DC. Then you go off for a meal alone with your mum and your DH takes your DC to see his mum. He will just have to get over leaving you for a few hours. It would be nice to have some 1:1 with your mum and someone has got to compromise somewhere. Also a kid free lunch on Mother’s Day, perfect…. and I adore mine x

Do EXACTLY what you want to do, spend the day with your own mum.
Let your DH go to his mum, if that's what he wants to do. Ignore your MIL

Last year my MIL spent the whole day with her daughter, son in law, 2 DGDs, baby great grandson plus other family members then we were asked to do one hour round trip to "keep her company " that evening until 11pm. (We usually go to bed at 10pm to be up for work at 6am)
On arrival a DGD was there, then within 2 hours another arrived, so she was hardly alone. She was grumpy and rude all evening, I've visited once since

There really is no pleasing some people

Women who are actively mothering right now get priority on mothers day.

Personally I’d go for a nice childfree lunch with my mum and DH take your DC to his mums. I’ve done that in the past and it’s been a real treat. You still get to spend time with your own DC around that. Mother’s Day to me is about taking a break and doing something nice for yourself. If you really want to spend it with your child then your MIL will just have to deal with it, it’s not about her. Mother’s Day in my opinion is an opportunity for the mothers who are currently in the eye of the storm of parenthood to get a break.

This year my DH is cooking a big roast and both our mums are coming over. I won’t lift a finger though. Is this an option?

She is your husband's mum and he should see her on that day. Why not all go for an afternoon tea altogether at s local garden centre Then you can both be with your mum's and children and it's no extra hassle for you

Agree.
My church going mate says it wasn’t actually human mothers at all, it was a Sunday that everyone was allowed a day off work to return to their Mother Church where they grew up, in the days when everyone was sent off to work in the big house or up a chimney as young teenagers!

We don't really make an effort in this household - I’d rather be treated well all year round than just hallmark appointed card selling opportunities!

If I was you OP, as a heavily pregnant person, you get to choose what you want! The rest of them can fit round you.

Do what’s best for you and let the others worry about the others 🌺

It’s Mother’s Day, not grandparents day! I know all the women involved are mothers but you’re the only one doing any mothering of small children and I really feel that’s who this day is for! MIL (and your mum) have had their days when their children were young. Yes it’s nice for adult children to acknowledge their mums but it shouldn’t trump a mother of young children having a special day!!

How about telling her to wait till October 5th (Grandparents day) and she can have a special day then? 🙊

YES

He should but OP doesn't need to

What is it about Mothers day on here recently. Grown mothers /grandmothers being upset that Mothers day isnt catering to their high needs.

Where do all these expectations come from? Is it social pressure? commercial pressure? I would have thought any grown adult would understand that their adult children, who are busy with their own life and often small children can only juggle what they can on any given day.

YES

Your mum has been good to you. His mum hasn't. I agree with the above too, although it would be nice to be inclusive MIL has blotted her copybook with you. See your own mum and brother can look after your needs that hopefully won't be an issue this year 🙂

As a grandmother, I do not need to see my children or grandchildren on mothers’ day.
I am no longer doing full time parenting. I hope my daughters will be enjoying their own day with their young children.
OP you should stick with your plan. It is not grandmothers’ day.

Is there an option to tell everyone to grow the fuck up?! Why do these things always have to be on ‘the day’ for so many people, especially since there are multiple mothers involved?! See one on the Saturday (as you suggest), if not, the weekend before/after - who the fuck cares?! I notionally had Mother’s Day in February because that’s what worked best

See your own Mum with your DC. This is the least stressful option for you. If your DH wants to come with you then he does, he needs to put your first notice his mother (whatever the day).