How to make Mother’s Day ‘fair’

[Chunkychips23]

DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.

Bit of backstory:

I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.

My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.

I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.

DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.

My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.

So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?

So far I’ve suggested:

• We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
• He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
• His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)

I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.

You shouldn’t host.
I think it’s best that you both see your own mums and if she desperately wants to see your child then she can see them on the Saturday.

Failing that, you and your partner and child see your mum for lunch and then see your mil later in the day or even before it.

Mother’s Day should be spending time with your mum, not your wife. Lots of people seem to over complicate things, my brother included who plans on spending it with his wife and MIL.

of course people should do what works for them, but to me the most logical and easiest way to avoid hurting feelings is for each individual to spend time with THEIR mum (assuming their mum is still in their life).

i hope whatever you decide you have a lovely day!

Go see your mum.
But take a break from parenting and dc goes with dad.
Enjoy a really lovely meal & rest with your mum.

Absolutely YANBU.

Of course you should see your mum.
Put your fut down.
Stop tolerating her poor behaviour.
TELL your husband to crack on and do what he likes but you are seeing your mother.

You have chosen a weak msn that he allows his mother to behave as she does.

How can you respect such a man?
It must be so hard for your mother to see how he allows you to be treated and that you married into such a family.

You sound very young. Is he a lot older than you?
His mother is a bully.
As you age and mature you will see this more clearly and you will feel resentment towards him and annoyance towards yourself for tolerating this.

TELL him what is happening and have a long hard think about what you are tolerating from him and his mother.

You deserve a lot better and your mother knows it.

It's mother's day. You see your mother and your kids stay with you.

If he wants to see his mother then he can but you and your kids are not there.

Alternatively he can go with you while telling his mother than you're all skipping mother's day with her and won't be seeing her again for MD until she behaves and acts more pleasant.

MIL isn’t your mum so you don’t have to see her.
if Mother’s Day is important to MIL, it should be that she wants to see her own children, not grandchildren.

Just tell your DH no. It’s Mother’s Day, and as the mother, you want to spend time with your DC and see your mum so that’s what you’re doing.
He can (and should) handle any pressure from MIL, and if he doesn’t, redirect it to him but don’t change your plans.

Send both mothers a bunch of flowers and go out for lunch with your husband and child. Don't get involved in the drama.

I do not understand all the drama about mother's day, but basically I agree with this.

Goodness what a lot of unnecessary angst over one day that doesn’t really mean anything in the big scheme of things!

What if you’re in the hospital because you’ve gone into early labour? What if you get abducted by aliens? The world won’t explode because somebody’s mother didn’t get a slice of cake.

You’re heavily pregnant which is the perfect excuse to say I’m going to sit this one out and not make any decisions. Let other people sort it out and you choose what you want to engage with.

There are a loads of other mothers days ahead, I suggest you set the tone now or this is going to be a bloody headache for you every single year. And the tone is ‘chill the fuck out - let’s just have a nice card and a cup of tea and it doesn’t matter much when and where.’

Good luck!

THIS! Stop trying to please everyone else!

Anyone who bangs on about not seeing everyone on the actual day loses my respect immediately. That is unreasonable and should not be catered to.

I always see my DM and leave my DH to do what he wants with his DM

DC grown up now but when small I left them with DH
Do exactly what you want

How to make it fair?

Don't observe it and instead opt for a non commercialised day of your choice to spoil your mother.

All arguments solved.

The bonus is it will be cheaper.

All reasons aside, pare it back to simplicity. Its mother's day, children spent time with their mothers. So you see yours, you have your child with you. DH sees his. End of story.

The added worry your DH has can mean he accompanies you and sees his mum later or he accepts your brothers offer to ferry you between locations. That's an understandable anxiety he has but there are options for your safety and so he needs to pick one.

Don't explain too much or try to justify, just say you're doing this and that's the end of story.

It’s madness that your MIL wants to see her son on Mother’s Day as she’s the mother but doesn’t want an actual child to be with her own Mother on Mother’s Day.

Everybody can be with their own mother.

Do what makes the day special to you. My dds are now teens and I regret trying to pleased both grandmothers throughout their early years and in The end neither of them felt they were getting what they wanted and I certainly didn't! In fact a few times dh went skiing and I ended up taking both grandmothers out for lunch. It was just all about them and they didn't even appreciate it!! It's your turn (and the same applies to Christmas, school events etc) to enjoy being a mum

Oh I remember that thread! If this is the same OP then @Chunkychips23 you're too much of a people pleaser and finding yourself swallowed up in these maelstroms of wishes and wants from other people must be tiring. Just go out with your mum and stop DHs side over complicating your life.

For goodness sake, it is one day!
Why all the drama?

The only option you didn't include was DH seeing his mum with your child. You will have your other child in utero!

I'd let DH take your child to MIL so you can have a wonderful, relaxed time with your Mum. As you say, she's been really supportive of you. You are heavily pregnant so why would you want a car journey and a relaxed restaurant meal with a toddler? Who will run after them?

It sounds like your mil really wants to win a power struggle, she’s not content with having her son visit on Mother’s Day she also wants to deprive you of your children on this day. I think your solution of each seeing your respective mums and the dc staying with you is the best solution. And take up the offer of your brother seeing you door to door!

Take one out for breakfast all together, then the other for dinner. No reason you can’t see both if they live nearby.