How to make Mother’s Day ‘fair’

[Chunkychips23]

DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.

Bit of backstory:

I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.

My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.

I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.

DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.

My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.

So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?

So far I’ve suggested:

• We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
• He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
• His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)

I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.

someone always comes out with this twaddle.

OP, you do what you want to do: go and see your mum. Your DH can please himself. He can tell his siblings to pull their collective fingers out or not.

In future, in your shoes, i would make Mothers day about what I want, and that would be to see my mum and my children. And your DH/MIL can join in or not.

You could all go for a walk in the park. No hosting needed.

Yes, this.

If it was me, I'd let DH take the children to his mum's and then me and my mum would go for a lovely peaceful lunch somewhere! Or a spa day :) or cream tea!! Sounds wonderful to be child free for a few hours and have quality time with my mum!

(Sadly my mum is deceased now, but she'd have loved to spend a afternoon just the two of us and let DH crack on with the kids!!)

I think if I was in your position, I would try and have relaxing day with my mother and then let my partner take the kids.

Yes i agree. It gives them yet another excuse to argue about petty grievances. Quite the opposite in fact as to what the day is meant for.

And you won't miss out on seeing your children. Why don't you plan a trip to the cinema or early movie night with popcorn etc.. at home when you get home from seeing your mum! Then you get to do both!

I think everyone has given this “day” far too much power and you can make a fuss of your Mum(s) any day, but ultimately this year you are a) heavily pregnant and b) the mother of his DC and it’s your call what you do. I wouldn’t be hosting.

Each child sees their own mum. So DH sees his mum, you see your mum, your child sees their mum (you)
makes the most sense to me

unless you want a break then you and mum go out for lunch, DH takes child to his mum, but only if you feel like you would enjoy the break being heavily pregnant

Because mil is a bitch and op does not want to spend her day being sniped at.

I agree. It's ridiculous how people tie themselves up in knots and have petty falling outs over a commercialised day.

Definitely don’t host.

I’d suggest you all see your mum for lunch on Mother’s Day, then tell your DH he is welcome to arrange to see his mum with your DC in the afternoon or for tea. If you’re feeling up to it you’ll come. You won’t be feeling up to it.

It’s definitely time to take a step back from your MIL and make your DH and his siblings deal with her. Whatever you do won’t be right. Leave her mad ways to him.

It’s one day in the whole year it doesn’t have magical properties- albeit a day when florists make a killing and the card shops are full of sentiment, Spend it at home with your partner, child and bump. Each of you sent cards, flowers if you must, to your respective mums. It really isn’t worth all this angst.

(Technically it’s not even about mothers, it’s about going to your “mother “ church, but I wouldn’t use this as an excuse.)

Good luck with your pregnancy, focus on that.

Everyone spends time with their own mum. So DC with you, you with your mum. DH with his mum. Fairest way surely.

MiL isn't being fair. Why should you?

See your mother and take your child with you. It's mothering Sunday, not grandparents' day.

My feelings in a nutshell

When did it become such a rigmarole? I was barely aware of Mother's Day as a child in the 1970s.

My kids (all adults now) have been told not to take any notice of it.

Mothering Sunday is a day to honour the church you were baptised in. Not about hiked up prices for flowers, chocolates tat with mother on.

Mine, too. DH and I don't bother with Valentine's Day either (the whole point was that you weren't supposed to know who sent the cards)! We have a wedding anniversary to celebrate, and don't feel the need for demonstrative gestures in any case.

Your mil sounds insecure , go with your original plan mothers day is now your day . I don't usually plan something with my mother because she understands I am a mother too however my mil has only my dh left as family so she's here most Sundays anyway . It doesn't cause any issues with the wider family

Why do DC have to stay with their mum?

The angst and upset that this day causes is bloody ridiculous.
Your MIL sounds horrible everyday, not just mother's day. Your DH should have a serious word with her.

Each see your own mum. If husband wants your child it’s not a hill I would die on. I would enjoy some time off with your mum before baby arrives. Enjoy time with your child day before or after.

job done, least stress

In this scenario everyone should spend Mother’s Day with their own mum- you, your husband and your child. It’s the fairest way really.

Your husband needs to tell his mother to stop being so self-centred and to stop the stupid little digs at his wife otherwise she will find herself spending less and less time with his family. I’ve had to do likewise with my mother and it does get easier to stand up for yourself and your family the more you do it.

See your own mums and your dc stays with you. I don’t ever see my mum due to distance and I see my mil every few years and this year we won’t be. Start as you mean to go on now

Absolutely.

Either I or my husband quite often forget our anniversary. One year both of us forgot and we made eye contact over the breakfast table 3 days later and laughed.

Far too much angst about special days. It's the relationship as a whole that matters.