How to make Mother’s Day ‘fair’

[Chunkychips23]

DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.

Bit of backstory:

I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.

My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.

I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.

DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.

My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.

So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?

So far I’ve suggested:

• We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
• He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
• His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)

I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.

Your DC should celebrate their OWN mum
on Mother’s Day. This is about your MIL exerting her power and control over you when you are vulnerable and she wants to win. You need to have firm boundaries with her. The biggest worry here is your DH being on your team, even if this means disappointing his mum.

If MIL insists she must see your DC on Mother’s Day, they have visit her in the evening after you’ve had lunch with your mum. A relative or friend can stay with you, to keep you safe.

Right, but Mothering Sunday isn’t the same as those recently invented days.

And it matters to the OP. She wants to see her mother.

Argh I hate all these silly days and expectations of people. Because it's become an issue for you, he can see his mother as it's 'mothers day's. You spend it with your child and your mother if you wish.

If it were me I wouldn't see either on the day itself and see them on the days around it, get them a card or something small as they seem to want fuss but play it down as it's just another day!

The only way to successfully limit contact with your MIL is to get your DH on your side. I would insist that your DH go to counseling with you and listen to those recordings of his mother there. That way you have an impartial person to confirm that she was mistreating you. He needs to learn that you aren’t lying or manipulating him and he needs to support you. I very rarely see my MIL and I only have contact with her in person, with my DH present. She also isn’t allowed alone time with our children. My DH understands that any contact I have with her is because I love him and he supports me.

My MIL is a master at “bitch speak”, saying really nasty things to you, but hiding her nastiness behind “being helpful, or being misunderstood”. Because my DH grew up with this being normal, it took me pointing it out to him after visits a few times for him to pick up on it. Even when he didn’t understand why I was hurt by her, he never tried to brush off my feelings. He listened to me, agreed to watch out for her nastiness and began addressing it with her. He believed me when I said she was hurting me and took steps to stop it.

When my kids were babies/toddlers, my DH didn’t take them to see her without me because he didn’t trust her not to try and undermine my relationship with them or behave in a way that was potentially harmful to them. Once they were school aged, he would sometimes take them individually for visits, but MIL would use the visit to say nasty things about me or try to drive a wedge between them and me. My DH called her out and immediately ended the visits every time. Most of his visits with her now are alone and infrequent and he has explained to her that her behavior led to this.

My kids refuse to visit her without me now because they got tired of her saying nasty things about me. My kids even call her out saying things like “That was rude. Why would you say that about my mom? She doesn’t say rude things about you”. It is unfortunate that she chose to be this way rather than being kind and enjoying a relationship with us. My DH realizes that it is her choices that have led to the limited relationship and would never expect me to be mistreated.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry it’s that way too. It’s such a shame when they decide to make the wife an enemy!

DH is starting to see it, but struggling to know what to do. He thinks this is new behaviour, but I think it’s just not been brought up before. His ex wife refused to go to their family gatherings, but because of other issues I imagine MIL’s contempt towards her wasn’t noticed or was brushed aside.

If she’d been hostile towards me from the start, I’d understand it more.

It’s your Mother’s Day and so your dc stays with you 100%. It’s not Granny’s day!
make arrangements with your mum and if your hubby wants to come with you get him to explain to his mum!
I had the same issues for years until I decided that it was my day 2 and that when my DC were older with families of their own what they do is their choice xxx

I wonder if they feel their age once DIL have children, get jealous , realise they are getting old-some women really struggle with getting older.
They don't like the attention shifting from them onto a baby, they see the DIL’s doing a great job as a mum and they feel jealous of that?
Not excusing the behaviour, just trying to work it all out myself. If ever I’m a granny, I will do the exact opposite of what my MIL did.

Same! I’d never want another woman to be made to feel the way I have.

MIL has several other grandchildren and another DIL and SIL too, so it’s not like this is new territory for her. DH also has older children, so it’s not like she hasn’t had that experience either! Those his ex wife said no to MIL coming to visit in the hospital. I had no choice, she turned up anyway the next day and they let her in, unchallenged. She came because she said it was ‘only fair’ as my mum got to be there the day before. MIL was away the day of my section and had already thrown a sulk because I refused to ask the hospital to change the date. The date of a section that was planned to save my life 🙄

Think she’s bonkers then! Put yourself first, try and ignore her, tell your DH to deal with her.

To be honest OP it sounds like most of the problems are stemming from you MIL seeing your mum having such easy access to you and the children and you obviously wanting her there, where as she isn't given the same level of easy access, it's her own awful behaviour that has caused that, but she won't ever see it that way, it's easier to blame you or it, there's not much you can do about that unless she changes her behaviour.

My advice would be to pretend everything is fine, but drop the rope completely, talk to her on the phone nicely if she rings, but bow out of family occasions if it doesn't suit you and don't make excuses, just say why it doesn't work for you and DH. Stop being shocked by her behaviour, if she says anything awful just call her out on it in a calm reasoned way 'why do you feel the need to criticise me all the time?' sort of things, if it's on the phone and she does it, just pause then say 'I'm going to go now' and put the phone down, if she does it person say 'if you can't say anything nice you may as well go now' etc.

Not everything has to be a battle, but you DO need to let her know you won't tolerate any awful behaviour towards you, your DH shouldn't have to deal with behaviour that he wasn't there to witness.. if she does it directly to you then respond there and then to shut it down.

MOTHERS DAY is about MOTHERS!
NOT about Grandmothers!!
He sees his MOTHER… you see your MOTHER…..
The child(ren) go with their MOTHER!

It really is as simple as that!…. Your DH needs to quite firmly tell her that the children will be spending EVERY Mother’s Day with you, because you are their mother!

Besides Mothers Day, your DH needs to tell his mother to stop with the sly comments towards you… he needs to tell her that if she continues to be nasty towards you it won’t only be Mother’s Day that she will not see you and your child(ren)!!

Why the he’ll does she think this is acceptable?…. It isn’t! And I would not have my child around someone who is nasty to me - it sets the precedence that this is ok and you’ll be teaching your children that it’s acceptable to talk to people/treat people this way!

Next time she says something to you, pull her up on it immediately ! Or simply stand up and announce that it’s time to go home… gather your things and your child and just leave!… if DH doesn’t want to leave then go and sit in the car/ walk to a local park or drive to the local macdonalds or whatever…. But make it very clear from your response that you will not be spoken to like this! If she turns on the waterworks state very clearly that you will not be spoken to in the way she speaks to you especially in front of your children! Call her out for her behaviour and teach your children that bullying is NEVER OK!

Thank you, that’s some really good advice. I’ve probably been too lenient and unwilling to rock the boat. But with my next baby due, I can’t go through another postpartum with her behaving like she did.

Shes now opted out of Mother’s Day. Threw a massive tantrum and has booked herself a weekend away as “nobody cares” - DH responded with “have a great time, I’ll see you when you get back then” He was going to go see her, just not on the terms she wanted. I’m actually impressed he didn’t bow down to the guilt tripping.

My mum has offered to stay with us this postpartum to provide support. MIL won’t come visit if my mum is here. So I’ll least get a few days respite with my newborn. She’s a little bit wary of her as she knows that I’ve told her what’s been happening. Plus after being put back in her box last time, she’ll not want to have a run in with my mother when she’s in protective mother bear mode.

🥳🥳🥳
MIL gone away !!! 👋 Alls well that ends well 😊…
Happy Mother’s Day & wishing you all the best with labour & new baby 🎈☺️

Your mum sounds wonderful OP!

Wow your MIL sounds so similar to mine, my MIL has done this kind of strop a couple of times and when it didn't get a reaction has actually MOVED three hours away in a strop.

That's an impressive flounce by her!

I'm a mum... I couldn't give two hoots about mothers day, it's just a normal day that's been commercialised.

My mother in law gets hostile and starts being a d**khead with things like this as she expects to be the centre of attention.

After all the years of her nonsense - We refuse to engage in it now. We just drop a card and flowers off a few days before mother's day - unannounced, have a quick coffee and leave.

Wouldn't even entertain such nonsense.

She’s a little bit wary of her as she knows that I’ve told her what’s been happening. Plus after being put back in her box last time, she’ll not want to have a run in with my mother when she’s in protective mother bear mode.

I'm glad she's decided to bow out and your DH isn't pandering to it!

This paragraph above stood out to me though, someone has stood up to her and she has changed her behaviour around that person now, she knows she has to be respectful or she gets short shrift from your mum, which indicates she knows exactly what she is doing and that it is wrong, but she get away with it because no one ever challenges it!

It just goes to prove that if you actually stand up for yourself and shut down any negative comments (no shouting or falling out, just calm assertive energy that you won't tolerate anything other than kindness and respect) she will have no choice but to back down, she won't like it so may push back, but as long as you and DH are on the same page she will have nowhere to go with it, and if she does flounce off every time then so be it, it's her loss.

Good luck for the future OP.

Her moving 3hrs away would be like a dream come true for me 😂 Though she now acts like us being 45-50mins drive away is like being in another country.

Shes now opted out of Mother’s Day.

Fabulous!

MIL won’t come visit if my mum is here.

How long can your mum stay for?

It doesn't really matter what others think of Mother's Day.

You want to see your Mum & have tried to involve MIL somehow.

Well I think you already knew there was no point.

If she's going to be pissed off with you whatever you do then you might as well do exactly what you want!

My mum will probably stay for a few days, whilst I get mobility back if I have a section. I found last time I was more mobile than I was expecting to be, but was just wiped out from the blood loss and being overwhelmed by my in-laws constantly coming over and the criticisms and baby snatching.

Seen a post on FB this morning from my MIL - she’s going abroad, not a weekend away. DH went back through his messages, she’d booked this holiday months ago, it wasn’t a last minute strop booking. Either she forgot or as I’m thinking, she was testing DH to see who he’d pick. She did something similar on DC’s 1st birthday, kicking off because we were going out for the day and her wanting us to change it so she could spend the day with him. Then it turned out she had plans she couldn’t possibly change (WI luncheon) so couldn’t have come anyway.

That whole family needs bloody therapy.

That is terrible behaviour on the part of your MIL! Who would forget a holiday abroad and then suddenly remember it again after an argument?

She's a manipulative psychopath!

I think she is deeply disturbed.
You need to make it crystal clear to your husband you will NEVER be held hostage to appalling behaviour EVER again.
And mean it.

100% agree. Only a totally unreasonable person would object to a woman spending Mother’s Day with her own mother and her own child. There’s no need for this appeasement.