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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit upset at what DD said?

298 replies

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:16

No ex and I have been split for around a year. DS 4 and DD 8 stay at their dads one night per week. When my daughter came home yesterday she said she doesn’t want to leave me anymore so I explained the situation in the best way I could, daddy loves you and wants to see you etc and she said she wished she didn’t have a dad.

OP posts:
Vinomummyinlockdown · 20/03/2025 20:34

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 14:33

Oh so if I stop them from seeing him and say take me court? I really don’t want to put the kids through that.

You might be putting them through far worse right now with your passive attitude and lack of action!! Wake up woman. Stand up for your kids and see what’s going on

CrunchyChocolate · 20/03/2025 20:36

Did you post about this in January under the username 'Holibo' OP? Because there's a thread in 'Similar Threads' with identical details.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 20/03/2025 21:20

Fountofwisdom · 20/03/2025 20:33

And still you haven’t bothered to get any professional advice…

Crikey 'Fountofwisdom', she only started the thread yesterday afternoon!!

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 20/03/2025 21:21

OP, why didn't you answer my question about whether custody etc., is by Court order, or whether you're just doing what he's told you you have to do?

Peachesnocream · 20/03/2025 21:37

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 20/03/2025 21:21

OP, why didn't you answer my question about whether custody etc., is by Court order, or whether you're just doing what he's told you you have to do?

No not by court order just an agreement we have together. I am stopping them from staying over night even though he said I can’t, I have a feeling he just won’t bring them back and I have no idea where they are.

OP posts:
Peachesnocream · 20/03/2025 21:38

If I let them go on Sunday there is a chance he won’t bring them back. I told him what DD said and he said she has no choice in the matter so I said no but she will eventually.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 20/03/2025 21:41

Peachesnocream · 20/03/2025 21:37

No not by court order just an agreement we have together. I am stopping them from staying over night even though he said I can’t, I have a feeling he just won’t bring them back and I have no idea where they are.

I'm begging you to obtain legal advice.

There is some advice on the Citizen's Advice website and they also say that you can contact them for help.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/making-agreements-about-your-children/making-child-arrangements/

1SillySossij · 20/03/2025 21:51

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:45

They sleep on air beds, he doesn’t have cooking facilities, it is probably cold, and they usually have pot noodles for tea, but one night a week is fine I suppose when they get the correct care at home?

I think most 4 and 8 year old would find sleeping on airbeds and eating pot noodles fun!
Sadly it is very common for young kids to be aware that their parents don't like one another and cotton on to the need to protect each parents feelings by making them believe they don't enjoy being with the other. Sad.

LastMile · 20/03/2025 21:54

Get some legal advice asap. Either through the helpline thah another posted linked earlier on in the thread, through CAB, through women’s Aid, through a free 30 mins with a solicitor. DO NOT let him near your kids again until you’ve done this.

He is a despicable, selfish, neglectful father and your children are not safe with him.

You need to go through the courts now, start the process rolling. Hopefully if you tell them everything you’ve said here, they won’t let him have overnight/ unsupervised access!

Shelby2010 · 20/03/2025 21:54

Others might comment on this, but if he doesn’t bring them back, you could ask the police to do a welfare check. However, a better use of resources is to ask advice from social services tomorrow.

Ilovelurchers · 20/03/2025 22:33

OP, this thread makes me a bit uneasy, as I am not sure the advice you have been given is that good, plus I feel you have been bullied a little by some posters into taking action that may not, in fact, be in the best interests of your children.

Your children's interests will be best served by their parents having a co-parenting relationship that is as amicable as possible. Providing he is a loving, non-abusive father, it is definitely better for them to retain a relationship with him. And from what you say, he is.

His current accommodation is far from ideal BUT he has been approved for a mortgage so one assumes when he moves there will be cooking facilities, beds etc. The airbeds and pot noodle stuff is temporary, and will not damage the children in the short term.

The girlfriend stuff again is perhaps not ideal but actually, lots of people do move on, get new partners and introduce these to their kids. Most people do it at some point. You may get a new partner yourself in time. It's not abuse or a reason to stop contact. (Though personally I agree it sounds like too much too soon and not ideal - but it is pretty common and certainly it is NOT abuse).

Asking the gf's mom to babysit is again not abuse, and I think the reactions to this on the thread have been hugely disproportionate. He didn't leave the children in a crack den or on a street corner. She is not "a stranger" to him. When you split and co-parent, sadly you cannot reasonably expect to have vetted every person who ever looks after the children. You yourself may at some point in the future source childcare from people your ex does not know. That is both of your right as parents.

Your daughter's comment was worrying but it does not sound like it stemmed from anything serious and awful. You are right to have investigated it further, and to keep an eye on it - but your daughter saying this once is not a good reason to stop or significantly limit contact.

It is easy for people on here to demand that you "advocate for your daughter". They don't have to live with the repurcussions of that "advocacy" - your children do. Any action you take has the potential to significantly harm what already sounds like a troubled and turbulent co-parenting relationship further. And it is your children who will suffer if this happens.

By all means seek professional advice, and if you are advised to seek to reduce contact at that time, it's correct to do so. But don't just do it because some people on the internet who knows only a fraction of the story tell you to do it. . The ultimate long term goal should be a strong and cooperative co-parenting relationship where the kids get to enjoy positive relationships with both parents. However much it hurts, however much you privately hate and resent him, in this you have to put your children first, grit your teeth and endure it.

(I am not saying by the way that his actions have all been great, far from it. Refusing to tell you where he lives is petty and stupid. But, for the sake of the children, you need to aim for an improved relationship with him, not more conflict).

Here4theWizeOnes · 20/03/2025 23:02

Ilovelurchers · 20/03/2025 22:33

OP, this thread makes me a bit uneasy, as I am not sure the advice you have been given is that good, plus I feel you have been bullied a little by some posters into taking action that may not, in fact, be in the best interests of your children.

Your children's interests will be best served by their parents having a co-parenting relationship that is as amicable as possible. Providing he is a loving, non-abusive father, it is definitely better for them to retain a relationship with him. And from what you say, he is.

His current accommodation is far from ideal BUT he has been approved for a mortgage so one assumes when he moves there will be cooking facilities, beds etc. The airbeds and pot noodle stuff is temporary, and will not damage the children in the short term.

The girlfriend stuff again is perhaps not ideal but actually, lots of people do move on, get new partners and introduce these to their kids. Most people do it at some point. You may get a new partner yourself in time. It's not abuse or a reason to stop contact. (Though personally I agree it sounds like too much too soon and not ideal - but it is pretty common and certainly it is NOT abuse).

Asking the gf's mom to babysit is again not abuse, and I think the reactions to this on the thread have been hugely disproportionate. He didn't leave the children in a crack den or on a street corner. She is not "a stranger" to him. When you split and co-parent, sadly you cannot reasonably expect to have vetted every person who ever looks after the children. You yourself may at some point in the future source childcare from people your ex does not know. That is both of your right as parents.

Your daughter's comment was worrying but it does not sound like it stemmed from anything serious and awful. You are right to have investigated it further, and to keep an eye on it - but your daughter saying this once is not a good reason to stop or significantly limit contact.

It is easy for people on here to demand that you "advocate for your daughter". They don't have to live with the repurcussions of that "advocacy" - your children do. Any action you take has the potential to significantly harm what already sounds like a troubled and turbulent co-parenting relationship further. And it is your children who will suffer if this happens.

By all means seek professional advice, and if you are advised to seek to reduce contact at that time, it's correct to do so. But don't just do it because some people on the internet who knows only a fraction of the story tell you to do it. . The ultimate long term goal should be a strong and cooperative co-parenting relationship where the kids get to enjoy positive relationships with both parents. However much it hurts, however much you privately hate and resent him, in this you have to put your children first, grit your teeth and endure it.

(I am not saying by the way that his actions have all been great, far from it. Refusing to tell you where he lives is petty and stupid. But, for the sake of the children, you need to aim for an improved relationship with him, not more conflict).

100% agree with this post. The other comments aggressively saying that you are failing to advocate for your daughter are being extremely simplistic and unhelpful.
The poster who suggested finding out more about why your daughter doesn't want to go and trying to help with things like more comfortable bedding and snacks is being more sensible.
it sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter and she will confide in you if something is wrong.
Shared custody is a minefield and parallel parenting sometimes the best option available unless there is a safety concern.
The fact that you are trying to preserve your daughter's relationship with her Dad even though he is not treating you well shows that you are a great parent.
The most probable explanation for your daughter's complaint is that she has a better experience with you and doesn't like being sidelined by the new GF but legally you can't prevent her from spending time with her Dad at this age unless there is a serious concern as it would backfire on you and he would likely become more demanding regarding custody arrangements. I sympathize! It's like being between a rock and a hard place. Sending hugs.

Fountofwisdom · 20/03/2025 23:21

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 20/03/2025 21:20

Crikey 'Fountofwisdom', she only started the thread yesterday afternoon!!

Yes and has shown very little gumption in getting to the bottom of why her DD is distressed, and has been urged multiple times to refer to the authorities. Any mother who was prioritising her DC’s welfare would have done that first thing this morning. Yet here we are tonight and she has done fk all apart from (apparently) tell him no more overnight visits. When she clearly dances to his tune, and is more bothered about his right to see the DC than she is about her DC being shunted about between strangers overnight, sleeping on an air bed with no bedding and not having enough food.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 20/03/2025 23:47

Shelby2010 · 20/03/2025 21:54

Others might comment on this, but if he doesn’t bring them back, you could ask the police to do a welfare check. However, a better use of resources is to ask advice from social services tomorrow.

She can't get police to do a welfare check, the OP doesn't even know where he lives!

Here4theWizeOnes · 21/03/2025 01:58

Fountofwisdom · 20/03/2025 23:21

Yes and has shown very little gumption in getting to the bottom of why her DD is distressed, and has been urged multiple times to refer to the authorities. Any mother who was prioritising her DC’s welfare would have done that first thing this morning. Yet here we are tonight and she has done fk all apart from (apparently) tell him no more overnight visits. When she clearly dances to his tune, and is more bothered about his right to see the DC than she is about her DC being shunted about between strangers overnight, sleeping on an air bed with no bedding and not having enough food.

I don't think you have experience of sharing custody with a selfish man who puts his needs above his children's. Your abusive language is not called for either.

Peachesnocream · 21/03/2025 07:31

Here4theWizeOnes · 21/03/2025 01:58

I don't think you have experience of sharing custody with a selfish man who puts his needs above his children's. Your abusive language is not called for either.

Edited

Thanks for this, it’s really hard as I do want them to spend time with their dad. I really do, he isn’t abusive or anything like that. I have told him that he can see them in the daytime but for now no sleepovers, I know what he will do though, he won’t bring them back and there is nothing I can do about it

OP posts:
Fountofwisdom · 21/03/2025 08:48

Peachesnocream · 21/03/2025 07:31

Thanks for this, it’s really hard as I do want them to spend time with their dad. I really do, he isn’t abusive or anything like that. I have told him that he can see them in the daytime but for now no sleepovers, I know what he will do though, he won’t bring them back and there is nothing I can do about it

Here we go again: “nothing I can do about it”. You are enabling his behaviour through your total lack of action. You are going to cause huge distress and trauma to your children through mis-managing this situation, which you are clearly unable to handle on your own. Are you just going to wait till he abducts them and refuses to return them at all?

Your DD is crying out for help and you are doing nothing.

Peachesnocream · 21/03/2025 09:18

Fountofwisdom · 21/03/2025 08:48

Here we go again: “nothing I can do about it”. You are enabling his behaviour through your total lack of action. You are going to cause huge distress and trauma to your children through mis-managing this situation, which you are clearly unable to handle on your own. Are you just going to wait till he abducts them and refuses to return them at all?

Your DD is crying out for help and you are doing nothing.

Look. As much as I would like to have them all to myself as this is clearly what she wants. I don’t have the power to do that. She was with my friend and her daughter last night and my friend quizzed her a bit and she just said she misses mummy too much and dad doesn’t really do much with us. It isn’t a good enough reason and I know my daughter enough to know if something sinister was happening: I am acting on it but these suggestions are so drastic and quite frankly unreasonable and I would not take a my kids away from their dad unless I had solid evidence something bad was happening. The fact that you would take them away so easily is worrying, every child has a right to have a relationship with their father. I know I am a good mum and I know I am doing the right thing by them so that is all that matters. 8 year olds say things, I asked why she doesn’t want a dad anymore and she just said because he stinks! I mean come on!

OP posts:
RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 21/03/2025 11:56

Peachesnocream · 21/03/2025 07:31

Thanks for this, it’s really hard as I do want them to spend time with their dad. I really do, he isn’t abusive or anything like that. I have told him that he can see them in the daytime but for now no sleepovers, I know what he will do though, he won’t bring them back and there is nothing I can do about it

OP, I am REALLY worried about what you have written here! You have said that nothing has been arranged by Court Order, that you don't even know where your Ex lives, and yet you're prepared to let him have your children, and BELIEVE that he won't bring them back. THIS IS SERIOUSLY WORRYING!!

How could you even consider letting them go with him, if you think and believe that he won't bring them back? This is actually making me wonder about your mental health, as no Mum in their right mind would take a risk like this.

Go to a solicitor or at the very least Citizens advice, and get some legal advice on what you and he can and can't do. Get a Court Order, so that you both know what is going on, and then if he breaks that agreement, and takes them away when he shouldn't, you will have legal recourse, as it stands, you WON'T, as he has parental responsibility too, and without a Court Order, he can take them where he likes for whatever length of time he wants to.

I've already told you that you ARE ENTITLED to know his address, and in an instance like this, not only would I want that address before allowing them to go there again, but I would also physically go with the kids and check out that this is actually where he's living. However, as I've said previously, please DON'T DO ANYTHING, UNTIL YOU HAVE AGREED THINGS THROUGH THE COURTS!

WearyAuldWumman · 21/03/2025 13:24

Peachesnocream · 21/03/2025 07:31

Thanks for this, it’s really hard as I do want them to spend time with their dad. I really do, he isn’t abusive or anything like that. I have told him that he can see them in the daytime but for now no sleepovers, I know what he will do though, he won’t bring them back and there is nothing I can do about it

Unfortunately, he is abusive if he's not feeding the children properly.

Peachesnocream · 21/03/2025 14:07

WearyAuldWumman · 21/03/2025 13:24

Unfortunately, he is abusive if he's not feeding the children properly.

A pot noodle once a week isn’t going to harm them? It’s not ideal but it isn’t abuse.

OP posts:
StrikeAlways · 21/03/2025 14:14

I can’t bear to read much more of this. Given there is no court order for contact and if this went to court the OP could express concern about the conditions at the father’s place and SS would check it out, its astounding that she seems determined to continue to send her children off with him. Her recent post say it will be day contact, but “he probably won’t bring them back”. Yet she still intends to send them. I am beginning to wonder if this is even a genuine post.

Topseyt123 · 21/03/2025 14:32

Of course there is something you can do about it. Something very easy - simply don't send them to his.

You don't even know where he lives so once they are out of your sight you have absolutely no idea where they are. Would you send them to a friend's house if you didn't know where it was? I'm sure you wouldn't so why is this any different?

Peachesnocream · 21/03/2025 14:33

Topseyt123 · 21/03/2025 14:32

Of course there is something you can do about it. Something very easy - simply don't send them to his.

You don't even know where he lives so once they are out of your sight you have absolutely no idea where they are. Would you send them to a friend's house if you didn't know where it was? I'm sure you wouldn't so why is this any different?

He is their dad though?

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 21/03/2025 14:43

Peachesnocream · 21/03/2025 14:33

He is their dad though?

So what? You don't have a court order to fall foul of, your DD doesn't want to go and you have zero idea where he lives, he leaves them with random strangers too (girlfriend's mum is a random stranger to them).

He is their Dad, but he hardly seems adept at looking out for them or ensuring safeguarding.

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