To be a bit upset at what DD said?

[Peachesnocream]

No ex and I have been split for around a year. DS 4 and DD 8 stay at their dads one night per week. When my daughter came home yesterday she said she doesn’t want to leave me anymore so I explained the situation in the best way I could, daddy loves you and wants to see you etc and she said she wished she didn’t have a dad.

You’re jumping to conclusions here. There may be something that upsets her, for example him focusing more on his new partner than the kids. Or she may be scared that she’ll come home to find you gone - after all, her dad left. Help her say what’s going on.

Looks like you posted about this at the end of January OP. Pot noodles, airbeds, new girlfriend, 7 year old daughter doesn't want to go to her dad's but 4 year old son seems ok. How on earth are you no further forward nearly 2 months later?

This.

You sound lacking in self-confidence, but everyone here has your back. Sending your children somewhere where their basic needs for warmth, food & sleep are being neglected makes you complicit in that neglect.

I agree that most of the time being a good mum means gritting your teeth & not criticising their dad to them. In this case being a good mum means stopping overnights until he has made proper provision for them. He can still see them the same number of days, but they come home to sleep. I also think you should contact social services for advice about whether they should be going at all.

You must not just be satisfied with her first, seemingly minor, explanation. It sounds horrible to sleep on an airbed with no sheet, but that doesn’t sound enough to prompt a child to say they wish they didn’t have a dad. I feel in my gut there is a lot more to this.

You clearly don’t have the skills or confidence to handle this on your own, and your children’s next scheduled visit to their dad is fast approaching. I URGE you to take action today and contact SS for advice. Tell them that he refuses to give you the address, that your daughter has come home upset saying she doesn’t want to go back, and explain about the sleeping and food arrangements.

I’m sure you said earlier that it is a one bed flat. So why does the Dad sleep on an airbed in the same room as the children? And presumably his gf sleeps there too? They could well be having sex in the same room as your DC. He clearly is NOT in a one bed flat, it sounds like a bedsit/studio flat or a room in a HMO, in which case there is a further safeguarding issue as there will be other unknown adults living in that house and potentially posing a risk to your children. It sounds very likely that your children are having to use a shared toilet/bathroom with strangers, that is terrifying.

I've copied this from previous poster in bold - make sure you read it OP. And read it again.

Don't scroll past.

He likely won’t give you his address because it’s the only info you need to make a claim for CMS. Without it, you can’t. You also can’t as easily report him to SS.

Do not send the kids over without the address. He can say what he likes, but your kids need suitable sleeping arrangements and do not want to return. That’s reason enough. He can fight you on it but he will lose until he has adequate facilities and actually keeps food at home.

Is he collecting them from school which is why you don't know where he lives? Who are these other women in his life enabling him to carry on this shit? His mother's demonstrated she cares more about him than her grandchildren.

You are going have to get some help to deal with this if you can't do it yourself. This isn't right.

This is horrifying to me. Poor children. What a nightmare. Leaving them with gf mother ? Scary stuff. I bet the children feel unsafe with him. Bad environment coupled with new people...

Oh and this week...." the kids don't feel well"..sorry... and keep them safe and cosy with you.

You mentioned he spends a lot of time with his gf when they are there.

However, your children are only there once a week so he shouldn't be spending a lot of time with his gf during this time.

He should be prioritising them.

Can you have a calm adult conversation with him about this, involve the gf as well if you are all reasonable adults who can agree for the sake of the children x

Of course he can spend time with his gf as well, they can have a dinner together, involve her in the day out etc. but if your children are only there one night a week, they should be the priority.

Well his children should always be a priority and he needs to make sure they feel it x

I would start by explaining to him that the children are not comfortable on air beds, have been cold at night, and are not getting sufficient nutritious food when they are with him. Until he has proper beds and cooking facilities, to ensure the children's welfare you would like him to take them in the daytime from 9am and home by 5pm for dinner. If he is not available on a scheduled day, then you would like him to either leave them with MIL/FIL or bring them home to you, as they feel unwanted being passed around and this would be more stable for them. I would send a packed lunch with them too on his days rather than leave my child hungry.

If he agrees then fine. If not, then you can involve third parties as you will have made attempts to be extremely reasonable in your requests.

• Start a paper trail of all your communications with your ex. Include what your daughter tells you, timestamp it.
• Ask for a chat with the school to find out if her behaviour has changed recently or if there is anything else that concerns them.
• You need to know the address of where she stays once a week. It's absolutely not acceptable that you don't have it. Ask for this explicitly. Update your paper trail if request denied.
• Speak to social services about safeguarding concerns, or find a local charity to support you.
• Give your daughter a simple phone so she can communicate with you.

I think unless there's a reason it needs to be confidential (such as you'd been abusing him) then a court would usually say it's reasonable that you know his address of where your kids are staying.

He collects them from home. I can’t imagine the pro it would cause if he didn’t know where I lived. It is like control.

he has called me numerous times over the past few days but I cannot bring myself to speak to him, he makes me feel sick. Every time I call him he never answers, even when he is with the kids. He is always 2 hours late to pick them up in the morning after copious phone calls. Reading is never done, it is also really hard work getting their uniforms and everything they need ready for the sake of one night. I even have to remind him to book them into breakfast club, he won’t change to alternate weekends as again I think he likes to control the situation. His mum was a complete bitch to me saying it’s been almost a year and I need to get over it (it hasn’t, we split early September and he was with this woman within a few weeks) he wants to swap days when it suits him such as he wants to take them camping next weekend but if I needed to swap he wouldn’t. It’s all just so unfair.

Over the past few months I have sent him quite a lot of abusive messages, I was hurt, worried, confused and obviously not in a good place but I would never turn up to his house.

He’s brought out the worst in you, sending abusive messages. Stop that now. Answer his calls. I know you dint want to talk to him, but this is all ammunition for him. He will use it, too.

His family (and GF) will gang up on you. And it’s not fair. But it’s also not fair to the kids. This is all new to them as well. I’m guessing things weren’t good at home before the breakup...

As others have said, your daughter is trying to process all of this. Protect herself. Her brother. You. Trying to please her dad. Her granny. And dealing with the new GF / situation as well.

I think you've been given quite a hard time by some posters @Peachesnocream

It also sounds like you have been coerced into believing some of the things he says are right.

It'll be worth doing the freedom programme so that you have more info on what is really right rather than what he says is right.

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Also consider contacting Womens Aid to link into further support - abusive men are really difficult to deal with.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

That's a huge it of information to leave out, OP!

That being said, it doesn't change my view from page one: you need to advocate for your DD. She and DS can't sleep on a bed without a sheet and not be fed. You need to stand up for them.

I know. I agree I was just so hurt that he could just so easily walk away from us and find somebody else like we meant nothing. It was wrong of me I know and I am not in that place anymore so I do understand why he called me a psycho but on the other hand I think most women would have done the same thing in my position.

I don’t know if he is abusive though? It might be me? We even went to counselling once and the counsellor literally agreed with everything he said and he came out saying see I told you it was you not me. I can’t understand any of it

How can he use it as ammunition, I have always answered his calls but after what happened at the weekend I can’t talk to him. I asked him to bring the children home and he didn’t, he left them with gf mum instead.

A one bedroom flat that has no kitchen facilities sounds odd. Could it be a bed sit or a room in a shared house? What are the bathroom arrangements? Aside from Pot Noodles, what else do they get to eat and drink? What do they get for breakfast?
Let’s say it IS a one bedroom flat - are your children on air beds in the living room or in their father’s bedroom? The latter is obviously not acceptable if his girlfriend is also staying over.
I would also not be happy having the address withheld, when he doesn’t answer his phone to you. I think you need legal advice about this whole set up.

You are not putting your children first when your daughter says she doesn't want to go amd you shrug hpur shoulders helplessly, and make excuses as to why she's must go.

Have you even queried why she doesn't want to go? You yourself have listed a multitude of reasons for which it would be perfectly reasonable to pause contact.

You can stop her, at least temporarily. He can make all the noise he wants to, until he starts to make her comfortable when she's there.

As a responsible parent, the path of least resistance is not always the right one.

She has never said this before, I was just worried if it was because I caused a fuss about her staying at his gf mums. I thought it was because I shouted, they will not be going on Sunday. Not until I resolve this

Good. Do you have a confident friend who can be there with you on Sunday when he turns up? Or someone else who can take the children on Sunday as he might cause a scene?

I’ll say it again though - you need to contact SS today. You need professional help and advice today. You keep saying you’re ‘sorting’ it but with no plan as to how. Feet on the floor!

If he loved them - or even just had some respect for them, he wouldn't expect them to sleep sleep on the floor in the cold and exist on pot noodle while he focuses on the latest girlfriend?
Surely even the most basic of rented flats has a microwave or hotplate - or he could buy one?

sounds as if they don't even have one parent looking out for their needs
GFs mother might be a better option if she feeds them.