To be a bit upset at what DD said?

[Peachesnocream]

No ex and I have been split for around a year. DS 4 and DD 8 stay at their dads one night per week. When my daughter came home yesterday she said she doesn’t want to leave me anymore so I explained the situation in the best way I could, daddy loves you and wants to see you etc and she said she wished she didn’t have a dad.

Right OP.

This all sounds absolutely awful. The children are suffering from neglect whilst they’re at their father’s, they are being left with random strangers when anything could happen to them.

NO.

You need to send your DH a message to say that DD doesn’t want to go because it’s cold, they don’t get a proper meal, they have to sleep on air beds and are left with random strangers because he wants to spend all the time with his new girlfriend.

You say that for the foreseeable, until these things are sorted, he can come and take them out for the evening or spend the evening at yours with them and you’ll go out or something, but no overnight stays until his living situation improves. Contact the advice line a PP gave you too.

For goodness sake, I’d be an anxious mess if my children were away at his each week. You need to protect them, not him!

What did he do at the weekend that's upset you so much? Have I missed this?

Good. This sounds difficult, so I hope you some support.
Sending you some virtual strength 💐.

Normal crap that kids say. My kids say similar (not quite the same) when they want me to do bedtime. Sometimes they don’t want mummy. Fine

Absolutely NOT the same thing or in the same league at all. 🙄

He let them sleep at gf mums house and I had no idea where they was even though I asked him to bring them home

And this is it, you just never know do you

You don't fail to feed your kids though...or give them a proper bed. Or shove them off to some random strangers house because you want to have sex with your new squeeze...

At least I'd hope not.

Please don't give OP anymore excuses - she's already trotted out enough - to not take her DDs concern and unhappiness seriously.

Wait they slept there? I thought you meant she'd babysat while he was out at the pub or something. Oh hell no. Your young kids stayed overnight at the house of a woman they barely know. Does she live alone or were other people they don't know in the house? If something had happened to your ex and his girlfriend while they were out, did her mum even have a way of contacting you?
Hea a fucking moron but you have to act hard and fast now to protect your kids.

He will probably call me tonight to talk to the kids.

This is really serious.

Strange OP as it sounded as though you didn't know why she didn't want to stay with her Dad anymore...but isn't the answer quite obvious?

Surley you knew the answer all along?

I think you two may need some help coming up with a formal agreement. The children should be staying with their dad, at his house, in a comfortable bed. They shouldn’t be staying with the girlfriend or whoever he decides to drop them off with. There should also be boundaries about the girlfriend being there all of the time, it’s his time with the children so they should be the main focus.
I understand you were upset and you know that the abusive messages were wrong so you need to try make sure you’re calm when discussing things with him, I know this can be tricky but you want to be the bigger person who puts the children first.

Right now you need to think carefully about his living situation, your dd isn’t happy staying with him for a wide range of reasons but the moment you say this to him, he will no doubt claim you’re trying to keep the children away from him.

Overall your children are your priority, they should not be staying with an adult who you have never met and have no idea where they are and if they are safe.

You shouldn't be paying any attention to this obviously irrelevant and useless advice.

But it isn't "you never know"...you DO know.

Facts: they don't have proper beds or food, you don't know his address and he left them with a stranger.

I don’t know what you want from this thread. So many people here are saying they wouldn’t allow their children to go there in these circumstances, I agree with them. The final straw for me is that you don’t know where there are as you don’t know his address. You say you don’t have the right to know. Frankly, I think you are making that up. Of course you have a right. Clearly, you haven’t explored the situation with a Solicitor specialising in family law, or social services. If he was just visiting them and taking them out for the day, then fine. Having them stay with him, even if only for one night, he should be able to provide a reasonable standard of care and this isn’t it. Many posters have said you need to find out from your child the full details of what she dislikes about going there. You seem to be ignoring that.

My dad was like that - spending time with his new girlfriend while we were there. She’s probably just bored.

This👆 100%

Courts do take children's views into account. She is old enough to have an opinion and I hope she will open up to you as to what has happened that her put her off.

I have told him no more over night stays

I've just Googled this OP, and found this:

• Parental Responsibility:
• If both parents have parental responsibility, they both have legal rights and duties regarding their child's upbringing, including the right to know where the child is.

Obviously it's up to you to check that this is accurate, but I sure as hell wouldn't be letting my kids go anywhere, and be palmed off on a complete stranger, which his GF's mother clearly is. I would also be telling him that if he won't give me his address, then they won't be going, and let him take me to Court to make me.

Why aren't you getting legal advice about these things OP, if you can't afford a solicitor, at least go to Citizen's Advice and find out what you can and can't do to protect your kids in this situation.

How did he react to your telling him that OP?

Also, are any of the arrangements you have with him by Court order, or has he just told you what's what, and you've believed him?

To be honest, he sounds like a real piece of work OP, and the fact that the Counsellor agreed with him about things, could just be that he's a charmer, and able to pull the wool over the Counsellor's eyes. Abusers are often able to do this, and I don't just mean physical abuse, as abuse comes in all sorts of forms.

He said I can’t do that. I can, and I will

You would have to approach with caution and gently probe deeper into why she said what she said, then, if possible, depending on your relationship with your child’s father, discuss with the father and compare notes to discuss possible solutions? Or is that going to prove too awkward?

And still you haven’t bothered to get any professional advice…