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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To also not be flexible with friends ?

189 replies

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:29

I am usually a very flexible, laid back person. I absolutely loathe making plans far in advance, or being ‘ booked up ‘ for months and months.

I have been like that since my teens and I’ve stopped making the effort with people who were completely inflexible and needed to be booked 2 months in advance. It just does not work for me.

My husband’s friends wives are super super extra planners and the husbands seem to need to get permission to be able to meet their buddies, weeks / months in advance. I am not like that with my husband. Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢 but generally speaking we are relaxed and if he wants to go out for a meal with friends from one week to the next, we make it work.

My husband has sprung it on me that we should go and visit his friends this weekend and you know, let’s just go. If this was the other way around, the wives would NEVER agree to drive for 4 hours ( with kids ) at such short notice. This was the husband’s idea and apparently the wife has said that they have plans on Sunday and therefore we can’t really stay the night on Saturday. We don’t even want to stay at their house anyway, but just the principle - it doesn’t sound like we are wanted.

am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around.

OP posts:
Agix · 19/03/2025 06:34

You've set a precedent with your husband that you're all flexible and fancy free. The other men don't expect their wives to do it because their wives have already put a boundary in place.

You're not unreasonable to not want to go, but I don't know why you have brought the other wives into it just because they plan and organise things... As if somehow it's their fault you feel pressured to go now? Or something? Why are the wives getting shit from you for something their husbands and your husband have organised?

Also seems weird you say that these husbands need to book things weeks in advance but where they are springing a visit from you on everyone and the wives apparently accepting it (besides the stay over). Doesn't add up. You sure this wasn't organised weeks in advance and your own husband just neglected to tell you?

DenholmElliot11 · 19/03/2025 06:35

fuck em! don't go.

Namechangedasouting987 · 19/03/2025 06:35

So you would have to drive 4 hours there, see the couple Sat, & drive home the same day?.
No I wouldn't be doing that.
But then I also think it's unreasonable of you not to agree dates in advance, so the couple would not have other plans when you visit.
What's the problem with planning a trip of such a distance (with kids) in advance so the couple have space and time to see you properly?
You can't have it both ways. Your DH and his friend are being spontaneous. Which is what you say you want.

autisticbookworm · 19/03/2025 06:35

You said you are laid back and enjoy making plans short term. Not everyone is like that and that’s fine but you are. Presumably the friends invited you so if you are free why wouldn’t you go? Obviously if it’s a case of not wanting to go that’s fair enough your dh could go alone but that’s not on them it’s on you.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 19/03/2025 06:36

YABU

Let me get this straight:

You're not a plan ahead person (totally fine BTW!)

The other person is a planner, and they'll be very happy to see you this weekend but they already have plans on Sunday that they need to keep with someone else so on this occasion it'll need to be a day visit. And you're offended?! 😵‍💫 you sound like hard work.

What if they had only made the Sunday plans with the other person a few days ago? Does it even matter when they made their Sunday plans? Do you expect people to cancel everything and not see any other people in a weekend if they're seeing you? Bizarre.

wusbanker · 19/03/2025 06:36

It sounds like you don’t like them, which is fine. You can just tell him that you don’t want to go, no need for the excuses!

Original poster
awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:37

I don’t mind planning the odd trip like that indeed. You kind of have to with long trips like that. Of course sometimes we plan things, but in general I don’t like to book myself in all the time. I find it suffocating.

OP posts:
autisticbookworm · 19/03/2025 06:37

Just clocked the four hour drive, that would be my reason not to go

Original poster
awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:39

I’m not going to always be the fancy free one, if they need lots of notice. That’s my point. I’ll be fancy free with people who are fancy free back. Anyone else is either not my friend or gets the same treatment they give me.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 19/03/2025 06:39

Perhaps if the date had been confirmed in advance your friends wouldn’t have made plans and you could have stayed over? TBH, it just sounds like you don’t want to go/arrange to meet your husbands friends, so don’t.

Original poster
awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

OP posts:
Hazeby · 19/03/2025 06:41

Did they actually invite you or did your husband just tell them you were thinking of coming?

Original poster
awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

Hazeby · 19/03/2025 06:41

Did they actually invite you or did your husband just tell them you were thinking of coming?

The husbands sorted it out. He wouldn’t just ‘ tell them we were coming ‘.

OP posts:
TheAmusedQuail · 19/03/2025 06:42

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:39

I’m not going to always be the fancy free one, if they need lots of notice. That’s my point. I’ll be fancy free with people who are fancy free back. Anyone else is either not my friend or gets the same treatment they give me.

Other people aren't going to change for you. Get over it.

Pippa12 · 19/03/2025 06:42

Did they invite you? You said you don’t like planning ahead, your husband knows this so hasn’t planned ahead. How do they know if you’re being fancy free or not that weekend??

Winter2020 · 19/03/2025 06:42

You say you don't want to plan things in advance, but you also don't want to do things last minute. You need to tell your husband what your "goldilocks zone" is for making plans. I don't think that you are as flexible as you think you are.

Do you avoid making plans in case you get a better offer? That's what I assume when people won't commit and say "We don't know what we are doing yet" etc. That they are holding out in case something better comes along.

DenholmElliot11 · 19/03/2025 06:44

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

Never ever ever do something just because someone else does it. (or doesn't)

Make your own mind up about stuff.

verycloakanddaggers · 19/03/2025 06:44

YABU

It's fine not to be a planner by choice. But you have to accept the consequences! In this case it is that your choice is either see the couple for a short time or not see them, because you have asked late.

They must want to see you to fit you in.

If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around. This is completely unreasonable - they have arrangements with others already made.

there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? This is illogical - I thought the whole point was you're not a planner?

Original poster
awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:45

I avoid making too many plans because I like to just do stuff I feel like doing on the day. Of course sometimes we have plans, but too many plans stress me out.

and no it’s not because I’m waiting for another offer. I just want to feel free sometimes.

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/03/2025 06:46

I agree with the first post @Agix

i feel the same as you op but I just put 19th October in the calendar and forget about it until the month rolls round.

re this weekend if you feel strongly i’d tell your DH to have a nice time and remember water and snacks for the kids.
send him with the kids and have a day to yourself….

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 19/03/2025 06:46

OP you just asked "But why should I always be the flexible one?"

.....because you've made it VERY clear that's how you like to live your life and you don't like to plan ahead!

Look either be "fancy free" as you call it or don't. But you can't dictate how other people run their social lives.

It sounds like you need some "fancy free" friends and then you'll feel more at home. Why don't you focus on finding/making some friends who have the same opinion of forward planning as you do? You'll probably be much happier.

Original poster
awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:47

Oh I’m definitely not going !

OP posts:
verycloakanddaggers · 19/03/2025 06:47

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

Because they are planners, as you explained.
You never plan in return! Why must others change to suit you?

People are different, and that's fine if you can accept yourself and live your way. If you are flexible, get on and be happy being flexible.

Upsetbetty · 19/03/2025 06:48

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

But you are the exact same, just the opposite. They are probably thinking, why won’t she ever just book something in!? What is her problem? They probably think you’re waiting for something better and that’s why you don’t commit.

Butchyrestingface · 19/03/2025 06:49

Winter2020 · 19/03/2025 06:42

You say you don't want to plan things in advance, but you also don't want to do things last minute. You need to tell your husband what your "goldilocks zone" is for making plans. I don't think that you are as flexible as you think you are.

Do you avoid making plans in case you get a better offer? That's what I assume when people won't commit and say "We don't know what we are doing yet" etc. That they are holding out in case something better comes along.

Edited

I don’t think she’s flexible at all!