To also not be flexible with friends ?

[awholelotoflabour]

I am usually a very flexible, laid back person. I absolutely loathe making plans far in advance, or being ‘ booked up ‘ for months and months.

I have been like that since my teens and I’ve stopped making the effort with people who were completely inflexible and needed to be booked 2 months in advance. It just does not work for me.

My husband’s friends wives are super super extra planners and the husbands seem to need to get permission to be able to meet their buddies, weeks / months in advance. I am not like that with my husband. Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢 but generally speaking we are relaxed and if he wants to go out for a meal with friends from one week to the next, we make it work.

My husband has sprung it on me that we should go and visit his friends this weekend and you know, let’s just go. If this was the other way around, the wives would NEVER agree to drive for 4 hours ( with kids ) at such short notice. This was the husband’s idea and apparently the wife has said that they have plans on Sunday and therefore we can’t really stay the night on Saturday. We don’t even want to stay at their house anyway, but just the principle - it doesn’t sound like we are wanted.

am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around.

The problem with this approach is that it massively limits what you can do (and by extension what your family can do), because it excludes a huge amount of activities which need to be planned in advance. It also creates loads of stress for people who do need to plan.

To be honest you sound a bit like a teenager. I was like this in my 20s and I am naturally a bit like this in that I find it a bit stifling to have loads of bookings in the diary. But as I have got older I have learned that failure to plan is a kind of selfishness because it seeks to impose your chaos and commitment phobia on others.

Not only is this selfish but you now seem to be trying to have it both ways by requiring more time to plan when it suits you and being stubborn and intransigent to win a point.

I think you need to work out what matters to you. If you really are spontaneous you need to suck it up and stop complaining. Otherwise you will need to stop being so judgmental about the fact that others want some order in their lives.

You don’t need to agree to every plan just because it’s not too far in advance. It doesn’t work for you - that’s fine. It’s a long way to travel for a day visit and I suspect the wife doesn’t want you to come because it’ll be a gaff on top of her other commitments this weekend. It is perfectly fine to not go. Let your DH go if he wants but I couldn’t do an 8 hour car journey with kids just to spend a hours them. Get them to meet you half way for a pub lunch if they’re desperate to see you.

You don't want to go which is fair enough, a long way there and back in a day. Tell DH you don't want to go but feel free to take the children and have a good time. As to the flexible/inflexible stuff - all very playground tbh.

Fine, if that’s how you choose to live it’s up to you. But it’s totally unreasonable to then be annoyed with other people because they choose differently.

Maybe the other couple have already booked something with family the next day, or with other friends you don’t know, and it would then be unreasonable to expect them to include you.

You seem to pride yourself on this romantic image of being "fancy free" but actually you sound like hard work for everyone else. People who won’t forward plan often are.

This!

It's bizarre. Fine you don't want to plan ahead but why punish and be annoyed with people who do? You find planning suffocating, others find not planning anxiety inducing.

Also plenty of people have busy lives juggling work, friends, family etc etc so may feel some degree of planning is necessary.

Such a bizarre things, and for claiming you are all flexible and relaxed you are being very rigid on this.

These friends really can't win in this situation. You are now throwing your toys out of the pram because they have accommodated your need to be "spontaneous" and see you on Saturday. Just because they had already made plans for the Sunday you are now refusing to go because in your head they would be flexible if it was one of their closer friend that was coming over. You have a serious inferiority complex OP and you will be alienating people this way and you are going to make it very awkward for your husband and his friends. How would you feel if he treated your friends with such contempt?

Wtf

People have different lives, different scope to be fancy free. My health and my lack of nearby family for childcare constrain my options.

Friendship isn't a transaction.

But maybe you just don't like them that much, in which case that's fine.

(I wouldn't do a 4 hour drive at short notice, but this doesn't seem to be about this one occasion, you seem to want to make a fixed rule going forward)

It's really weird to me that you seem to blame "the wives" for shitty plans your husband and his mate have made.

It's not possible for you because of the drive, it's not possible for them because - actually - they already had plans. It was a bad idea, reschedule to another weekend.

The fact that they tend to be booked up in advance and you're not is irrelevant. It just makes scheduling harder.

This has absolutely nothing to do with how they plan their lives.

The Op doesn't like them.

Sorry, all I see is someone who is inflexible as they won’t plan ahead.

Different strokes for different folks. The OP is merely stating her feelings about her situation. I do not feel that she is being condescending at all. Not everyone wants to be super organised. I often get the impression that if people are, they are empty inside and are looking for outward validation. Many people are content souls who have inner reserves and do not need outward validation about how busy they are, how marvellous they are, their status, and tolerate you when you can 'fit in' with their marvellous schedule. Who cares? In ten years time they probably won't even recognise in the street and, in fifty years time, if they are lucky enough to make it to old age, they won't even remember you.

You try really hard to be offended about something that has nothing to do with you. If you don't want to see them, be honest about it.

And if they live far away, it makes sense to plan the visit ahead because you're likely to visit for longer, it's not just a quick lunch at the pub.

You don’t really sound relaxed. You sound quite judgemental of the other wives. You say you don’t like being booked up and planning things 6 months in advance and when they do a spontaneous meet up you’re still not happy?

And? Why would they prioritise you above their close friends and family? You aren’t even friends, your husbands are friends.

Imagine moaning about people who don’t want to do regularly a last minute 8 hour return trip with kids, to see people they barely know or like!

Please do match their energy and stop being 'flexible'.

People book up things in advance because they have lots of family and friends they want to see, and like to spread their commitments and not get overloaded. They also like to plan in their downtime/family time to ensure they get some.

They don't want people like you messing up their plans with their selfish 'I'm free now, so you are good enough for me right this second'.

Go find friends like you.

Tbh I can't imagine you've got much on in your life if this is something you're devoting much thought to.

You sound pretty and childish with this "you get what you give" crap about your husband's friends wives. Why are you even organising anything for them at all? That's up to your husband and his friends. If his mates have plans it's because the family as a whole has plans, it's not a controlling wife situation. 'Pick me' vibes much?

I still don’t really understand what’s going on here. Your husband suggested a spontaneous weekend, they agreed mostly but had some plans already which puts some limits on the weekend and you’re annoyed and don’t want to go because those limits make it not worth it for you? Is that right?

You sound like hard work......I don't mind spontaneity on a local level. If a friend calls for a random coffee or dinner and I'm also free then wonderful I'll nip out and see them for a couple of hours. So yes likely the wives can be more 'fancy free' with smaller commitments to their local friends.

However anyone requiring our attention for a full weekend needs to be booked in advance. We have busy jobs which sometimes spill into the weekend, child with clubs and two horses which need riding, mucking out etc .We need notice to go away, to plan work, cancel clubs and find care for animals.

Your friends have tried to accommodate you within their existing plans last minute but clearly would prefer if you had booked and it's not very convenient. If you are not happy with their hospitality then don't go.....I'm sure the wife has other things she could be doing.

I don't really understand any of this. It's weird to make "flexible" versus "rigid planner" such a big part of your personality. I am naturally more like you in that I don't naturally enjoy planning too far ahead but sometimes you have to! Holidays and big concerts and weddings (among many other enjoyable activities) are not things you can be spontaneous about. If you have a decent social circle then sometimes socialising time does get "booked up" and you have to organise something months ahead. Spontaneous socialising is much more rare now than it was in my 20s and while I don't like it, it's no one's fault.

Point is that most people are simply flexible or planners depending on what life dictates to them, not because they're making it an intransigent character trait. I don't think of myself as a planner but I'm fairly sure I only have one (1) weekend spare between now and July.

As for this specific situation surely the point of being so flexible is that you can choose not to go to things as well as go to them at the last minute? Just don't go if you don't like these people.

Wow! So you're so self centred and socially unaware, and have ridiculously rigid, nonsensical rules. People aren't allowed to book your time in advance, but then you complain and refuse to go if they try to book something spontaneously! They literally can't win, can they?

You (and sadly your DH and children by association) are going to end up without any friends if you keep treating people like this.

Oh op. There is so much going on behind all this. I don’t believe the problem is their supposed lack of flexibility at all. I think there is a deeper reason why you don’t like them due to the sneery way in which you refer to them.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume you aren’t a complete b*tch for laying into people for such innocuous reasons, and suggest that maybe something’s happened along the way whereby you’ve been made to feel a bit inadequate and not part of their soccer mom gang? So you’ve made this rhetoric about yourself being so cool and ‘not like other moms’ because it suits you to see yourself that way and not admit that you don’t fit in with them.

And it’s fine, it really is, to not get along with others if they aren’t your people. Accept they aren’t your types, avoid them where possible and focus on your own life and people. Just let them get on with being who they are with grace and acceptance.

So? They probably have to be to make sure plans are just dropped on them they have to make work. I bet overnight guests, sorting out breakfast looking after the children would all be on them
They aren’t the problem the husbands are dropping this at the last minute on both sides and expecting you both to sort it out
you don’t want the travel she doesn’t want the hassle
what should irritate you is being set up as the one who says no