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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To also not be flexible with friends ?

189 replies

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:29

I am usually a very flexible, laid back person. I absolutely loathe making plans far in advance, or being ‘ booked up ‘ for months and months.

I have been like that since my teens and I’ve stopped making the effort with people who were completely inflexible and needed to be booked 2 months in advance. It just does not work for me.

My husband’s friends wives are super super extra planners and the husbands seem to need to get permission to be able to meet their buddies, weeks / months in advance. I am not like that with my husband. Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢 but generally speaking we are relaxed and if he wants to go out for a meal with friends from one week to the next, we make it work.

My husband has sprung it on me that we should go and visit his friends this weekend and you know, let’s just go. If this was the other way around, the wives would NEVER agree to drive for 4 hours ( with kids ) at such short notice. This was the husband’s idea and apparently the wife has said that they have plans on Sunday and therefore we can’t really stay the night on Saturday. We don’t even want to stay at their house anyway, but just the principle - it doesn’t sound like we are wanted.

am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around.

OP posts:
Original poster
awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:49

I don’t ask people to change for me.. I just match their vibe in this case. What’s wrong with that ? Why should I put myself and my kids out when they’d never do that for us at such short notice ? I have plenty of friends who would be flexible and do it for us and I would do it for them in return. That’s all I’m saying. They don’t need to change but I don’t need to be flexible for them either.

OP posts:
BumbleBeegu · 19/03/2025 06:50

It actually sounds as if it’s you who is ‘inflexible’ in this case!

Planning something ‘weeks ahead’ is not ‘inflexible’. It’s what most of us would agree as being organised with time…which actually allows more ‘flexibility’.

There’s nothing wrong with spontaneity either…one does not exclude the other. You can be both organised and spontaneous. Which gives the best of all worlds.

Change the narrative OP…use the words ‘organised’ and ‘spontaneous’ rather than ‘flexible’ and ‘inflexible’ (which you are using to ‘prove’ that your way is better than theirs…it isn’t! You can be both and enjoy many more things/events in your life!)

TulipCat · 19/03/2025 06:50

So the gist is, you don't like to plan ahead, but are annoyed that someone else does, and therefore is not free on the Sunday of this weekend, that you wanted them to be free on both the Saturday and the Sunday? By all means don't plan far ahead if you don't want to, but you can't really expect others to do the same.

On a side note, do you never take advantage of cheaper ticket and travel prices for advance booking, nor take up opportunities for limited supply tickets etc that need to be purchased ahead of time? I find that quite unusual, as someone who has tickets for a special event in December. Do you never do these type of things?

ThatShyRoseViper · 19/03/2025 06:51

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

Because you’re the one insisting on keeping things open and flexible until the last minute so you don’t feel “suffocated” perhaps.

Fine if you don’t want to go but you sound very confrontational (“not my friend”, “the same treatment”). You’ve chosen to run your life a certain way but frankly it doesn’t sound like it’s making you at all happy.

Whaleandsnail6 · 19/03/2025 06:53

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

You're contradicting yourself...you dont like having plans and want to be the "fancy free one" thats how you choose to live Presumably friends wouldnt do the journey without having it planned for a while as they are not as spontaneous and like to have a plan... saying that they wouldnt do the same for you...well no but you like how you dont plan, they do like a plan

Anyway you dont fancy it this weekend...dont go. Let dh do the trip on his own with the kids and you stay home

Original poster
awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:53

TulipCat · 19/03/2025 06:50

So the gist is, you don't like to plan ahead, but are annoyed that someone else does, and therefore is not free on the Sunday of this weekend, that you wanted them to be free on both the Saturday and the Sunday? By all means don't plan far ahead if you don't want to, but you can't really expect others to do the same.

On a side note, do you never take advantage of cheaper ticket and travel prices for advance booking, nor take up opportunities for limited supply tickets etc that need to be purchased ahead of time? I find that quite unusual, as someone who has tickets for a special event in December. Do you never do these type of things?

Very rarely. I do it for things for my kids- like visiting Santa, because you just have to, otherwise you miss out.

I am trying to book holidays a bit sooner nowadays.

other than that I try to keep it to a minimum.

OP posts:
Els1e · 19/03/2025 06:53

If I'm reading this right. You don't like to plan ahead. That's fine. Your friends like to plan ahead. That's fine. Your husband proposes a last minute trip. Your friends have plans. You're miffed because they won't change them for your visit. That's daft.

CavaInTheSun · 19/03/2025 06:54

You don't like to make plans too far in advance.

A plan has been made for not too far in advance...

And you don't like it?

Should your husband have asked you on the day instead?

I don't get it 😂

GRex · 19/03/2025 06:54

It doesn't sound like you're flexible at all. People have things in the diary because there are kids parties, family big birthdays, weddings, trips away, concerts, booked days out etc. Some things can be moved and other things can't. If DH has a friend who decides to come then great, but they can't necessarily fit in with everything else that might be scheduled. You could get a hotel or AirBNB and entertain yourselves for one day.

These are your DH's friends. It's fine that you don't like any of them, but it would be healthier to just say "I don't like them" than to have all this silliness about not going because they are only free one day.

Onlyvisiting · 19/03/2025 06:55

Yab massively unreasonable.
Mainly because it's not really YOUR friend, it's your DHs, so you are being petty snd weird because you are incapable of planning ahead and preventing him from seeing his friends.

I wouldn't want to drive 4 hours each way go visit anyone really, but it doesn't sound like the distance is the main reason, you would do it if it was a fellow 'spontaneous' person, you are just annoyed that these aren't usually.
And as to adding you to their plans on Sunday..... do you know whst they are doing? So many things that would be weird to tag along too, like taking the kids to gparents etc.

Given it doesn't seem you really want to see either of them and it's an inconvenient trip why don't you suggest DH goes alone? Would make more sense for him to meet his friend somewhere half way and do something there anyway.

Poppins2016 · 19/03/2025 06:55

I think I get this. In essence, these people like to be ultra regimented and plan in advance to suit themselves. But they don't mind being flexible when it also suits them, as long as they're not the ones being inconvenienced due to the lack of planning (because it doesn't impact them).

What would you do if you had more notice? Is the issue psychological (long car trip, annoyance over the plan being sprung onto you, double standards...), in which case I might suggest that you're cutting off your nose to spite your face if you usually enjoy spending time with these people?
Or is the issue practical (do you usually do the long drive in one day or would you usually find somewhere to stay?), in which case I'd suggest pushing back "let's plan a mutually convenient date"?

Original poster
awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:56

I can guarantee that these wives are super spontaneous with people they care about, but super long winded with husbands friends as they can’t be arsed !

OP posts:
HelenWheels · 19/03/2025 06:56

so they happen to be busy, why are you criticising that?

beAsensible1 · 19/03/2025 06:56

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:39

I’m not going to always be the fancy free one, if they need lots of notice. That’s my point. I’ll be fancy free with people who are fancy free back. Anyone else is either not my friend or gets the same treatment they give me.

Why are you calling making a plan “treatment”. I am also a fancy free person.

I have planner friends. do not think them wanting to plan things with me is a hostile act. I usually agree and they send me a calendar invite and then remind me 2 weeks before as I forget.

if you want to go, then go. But doing tit for tat when someone is acting how you prefer is weird and unnecessarily hostile. These are your friends why assume bad faith?

Fairyliz · 19/03/2025 06:56

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:45

I avoid making too many plans because I like to just do stuff I feel like doing on the day. Of course sometimes we have plans, but too many plans stress me out.

and no it’s not because I’m waiting for another offer. I just want to feel free sometimes.

So you are not a planner which is fine. However surely you have to accept that if you leave things until the last minute then sometimes they will not be exactly as you want?
eg, a restaurant you want to visit is full, the theatre is sold out, or friends you want to see are only available part of the day.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 19/03/2025 06:57

Do you have many friends, @awholelotoflabour ?

JoyousEagle · 19/03/2025 06:57

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:39

I’m not going to always be the fancy free one, if they need lots of notice. That’s my point. I’ll be fancy free with people who are fancy free back. Anyone else is either not my friend or gets the same treatment they give me.

Are they not fancy free, or are they just busy?

I have a friend who is pretty relaxed and laid back, but I do have to arrange to see her quite far in advance because her and her husband are very sociable and just always have plans.

They’re happy to see you this weekend, so isn’t that them being more flexible and willing to do short notice things anyway? Which is what you’ve wanted?

BlondiePortz · 19/03/2025 06:58

This all sounds very stepford wives, don't you all have your own friends?

LoveWine123 · 19/03/2025 06:59

It seems to me the issue you bring up here doesn’t have anything to do with this particular invite. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder about being fancy free and not making plans and seem to detest the other wives because they are not like you and want to plan in advance. By the way both planning in advance and not planning at all are about control so you are not all that different to them. Both ways of living are absolutely fine (to me) but it seems like you have an issue with them. Are you really as fancy free as you claim? Are you now saying no just to show them? Go on the trip or not go (nobody can blame you for not wanting a 4 hours drive for a day trip), but your reasoning not go seems a strange one considering how fancy free you like to think you are.

Butchyrestingface · 19/03/2025 07:00

CavaInTheSun · 19/03/2025 06:54

You don't like to make plans too far in advance.

A plan has been made for not too far in advance...

And you don't like it?

Should your husband have asked you on the day instead?

I don't get it 😂

This. ⬆️⬆️⬆️

To also not be flexible with friends ?
jolies1 · 19/03/2025 07:00

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:56

I can guarantee that these wives are super spontaneous with people they care about, but super long winded with husbands friends as they can’t be arsed !

Well that’s… fine then?

The husbands are friends, they make the plans and arrangements, if you feel like it, you go? If you don’t want to go, you don’t? As long as everyone’s wives are polite in mixed company there’s no obligation for you all to be friends. I really like my husbands friends wives & enjoy seeing them when we do but we aren’t very close - obviously the main thing we have in common is our husbands!

Newmumburnout · 19/03/2025 07:01

Sorry yabu
You don't like it when it's planned in advance
You don't like it when it's spontaneous

However, ignoring the above. I would not drive ,4 hrs there and back . Nope

beAsensible1 · 19/03/2025 07:01

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:49

I don’t ask people to change for me.. I just match their vibe in this case. What’s wrong with that ? Why should I put myself and my kids out when they’d never do that for us at such short notice ? I have plenty of friends who would be flexible and do it for us and I would do it for them in return. That’s all I’m saying. They don’t need to change but I don’t need to be flexible for them either.

This doesn’t make any sense. Why do people need to be flexible in return?

they are treating you how you like to be treated and you are turning it into a battle for reciprocity

NerrSnerr · 19/03/2025 07:04

Im not sure why you're fixating so much on your husband's wives? Let your husband arrange his social life with his friends, if you're invited and want to go to any of these meet ups then go, if you don't want to then don't. I don't see what they have don't wrong. Either stay in a premier inn and do something yourself on Sunday or don't. You're making a massive deal out of nothing.

Togglebullets · 19/03/2025 07:04

I don't get it either. On this occasion they are being more flexible and spontaneous. It sounds like they can't win. If you don't like these people it's fine, you don't have to be friends with your husband's friends wives. You don't have to make up weird bullshit reasons for it. Sometimes people just don't gel.