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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To also not be flexible with friends ?

189 replies

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:29

I am usually a very flexible, laid back person. I absolutely loathe making plans far in advance, or being ‘ booked up ‘ for months and months.

I have been like that since my teens and I’ve stopped making the effort with people who were completely inflexible and needed to be booked 2 months in advance. It just does not work for me.

My husband’s friends wives are super super extra planners and the husbands seem to need to get permission to be able to meet their buddies, weeks / months in advance. I am not like that with my husband. Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢 but generally speaking we are relaxed and if he wants to go out for a meal with friends from one week to the next, we make it work.

My husband has sprung it on me that we should go and visit his friends this weekend and you know, let’s just go. If this was the other way around, the wives would NEVER agree to drive for 4 hours ( with kids ) at such short notice. This was the husband’s idea and apparently the wife has said that they have plans on Sunday and therefore we can’t really stay the night on Saturday. We don’t even want to stay at their house anyway, but just the principle - it doesn’t sound like we are wanted.

am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around.

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 19/03/2025 08:26

Christ, I feel sorry for your husband. Imagine having to live with someone like this.

Gnarab24 · 19/03/2025 08:28

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 07:15

Well anyway ! I’m definitely not going. And as for future meet ups, I need 6 months notice, like they do. That’s how I roll with people who need 6 months notice. So yeah I’m flexible with the flexible ones, rigid and uptight with others, just how they like it I guess !

Bet they’ll be gutted.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 19/03/2025 08:29

So you won’t make plans in advance, but you also won’t make last minute plans. You seem to be very inflexible and actually completely impossible. Few people would want to do that journey for a comparatively short visit, that’s why you make such plans in advance, but you’re refusing to that, and then are miffed that people can’t fit you in for a longer visit.

You might not like getting booked up in advance, but it’s a necessity for a lot of people with busy lives. You can’t expect someone to keep a weekend free for you on the off chance that you’ll spontaneously decide to visit.

If you want to see these people make plans in advance, if you don’t want to see them then maybe you should be honest with your husband about how you feel about his friends. Maybe he could make the plans in advance and you could decide last minute whether you’re going to join him or not, but you’ll make yourself pretty unpopular if you haven’t already with your inflexible attitude to plans.

Haricots · 19/03/2025 08:30

This reply has been deleted

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Velmy · 19/03/2025 08:31

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

You don't, but that's how you've chosen to live your life.

However you want to live you live is fine, but you can't then expect other to change how they live theirs on a whim to accommodate you.

You apparently would NEVER book something like this months in advance because it stresses you out. The consequence of this is that your friends already have other plans, and now find you on their doorstep short notice.

Expecting people to include you in their pre-made plans last minute is massively unreasonable, and a little entitled.

YourWildAmberSloth · 19/03/2025 08:31

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

I think you are missing the point or focusing on the wrong thing. The other women have nothing to do with this or with choices you make. If you don't want to be flexible, don't be flexible - do you. If being flexible works for you then be flexible, or do it when it suits you and don't when it doesn't. Making it a 'they're rigid so why shouldn't I be' issue is making it about them. YANBU to say you don't want to go, because you just don't want to go. YABU to blame it on the fact that they have a different arrangement within their relationships that clearly work for them.

JWhipple · 19/03/2025 08:32

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:41

But why should I always be the flexible one ? It’s not about not wanting to go. It’s about the fact they’d NEVER do it in return.

Literally nobody is making you be the flexible one.
Except you.
Are you trying to be the "fun, care free" one?
No aren't being forced to go this weekend.
Do you generally make last minute plans and invite others? Maybe they are trying this back to show how frustrating and disrespectful (of their time) it can seem.

Or are you very passive, never organise anything and it's actually the organised people who make the plans and you rock up an hour late because you're just so "laid back"

crockofshite · 19/03/2025 08:36

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:39

I’m not going to always be the fancy free one, if they need lots of notice. That’s my point. I’ll be fancy free with people who are fancy free back. Anyone else is either not my friend or gets the same treatment they give me.

Honestly, they can probably do without you in their lives.
You sound a bit school girl -ish.
If you like them and want to spend time with them, just do it. Book a Travelodge if you need to stay over.

Yerblues · 19/03/2025 08:38

So basically you aren't actually that 'super flexible'.

Josiezu · 19/03/2025 08:38

OP isn’t like other girls. She’s so cool and fancy free.

Byeandbye · 19/03/2025 08:39

awholelotoflabour · 19/03/2025 06:47

Oh I’m definitely not going !

Then maybe you are not as flexible as you think. And that’s ok.

Screamingabdabz · 19/03/2025 08:41

You ‘match’ your planning to suit how you judge other people’s planning? And having plans ‘stresses you out’? Except when it comes to things the children want to do because they book up quickly?

So you can plan, and do have plans when it suits. You just don’t like these other women and are making excuses. Just own it. Be honest with yourself and stop having anything to do with them. Liberate yourself (and them) from the jealousy and labelling.

Blueskiesandrainbows · 19/03/2025 08:43

NerrSnerr · 19/03/2025 07:20

Bet they're all devastated you're not going.

Show quote history

😊 this, you sound like such hard work OP, you need to lighten up a bit, it a wonder you have any friends!

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits · 19/03/2025 08:43

I mean this kindly OP, the best thing for you to do is back away from this whole thing and dona little digging on this inferiority (or is it superiority?) complex you clearly have going on. It'll make you happier in the long run. 💐

prelovedusername · 19/03/2025 08:44

My DM was like you, dropped in on friends uninvited with us in tow. She was very popular and great company but I’m so embarrassed now at how unwelcome those visits must have been sometimes.

Planning is for everyone’s convenience. Short notice visits are for the convenience of the visitor, it’s a very self centred approach.

I think the wife has been clear she doesn’t want you to come, so don’t. Either make friends with people who are spontaneous like you, or accept that you are probably tolerated rather than welcome.

carrotycrumble · 19/03/2025 08:44

You obviously don’t like them (and possibly they don’t like you very much) so I don’t know why you’re giving it any thought at all. It’s bizarre. Friendships are based on mutual respect.

user1492757084 · 19/03/2025 08:47

Go along and find a couple of interesting things to see, apart from the friends whom you will spend not that much time with.

Enjoy the trip together. You can concentrate on exploring and spending couple time.

minipie · 19/03/2025 08:48

AnonymousJoyceLover · 19/03/2025 07:21

I feel very sorry for your dh. You're being utterly ridiculous. It's v clear that you don't like his friends, in particular their wives & you're making it difficult for him to arrange to meet then because neither planned nor spontaneous works for you. Because you don't want it to.

Yep this comes across loud and strong

At the very least you should be saying: sorry, it’s too far for a one day visit but perhaps we can get a longer visit in the diary for the future?

If you have friends who live a long way away and require a clear weekend to visit, you have to plan seeing them in advance, otherwise it’s never going to happen

So by saying no planning in advance and no one day visits you are basically telling your Dh he will never see these friends

Inmydreams88 · 19/03/2025 08:55

Your “flexible” but your friends wives are not. So you are happy to make last minute plans but your friends wives are not. Atleast not with you.

Except you’ve made last minute plans and
now you don’t want to go….because you actually want your friends wives to be more
”flexible” and to change because YOU are. But you won’t change for them.

I’m confused what you actually want. Do you even like these people?

Sparkletastic · 19/03/2025 08:57

All this self-justification to avoid seeing people you don’t like.

Rhubarbtriangle · 19/03/2025 08:59

Oh god I know someone like this. Always moaning about people wanting to make plans weeks/months in advance but never being the one to actually organise anything (consequently having no clue that if, for example, you want 10 x tickets for a West End show or a table in a restaurant for a few people in December, it does indeed have to be booked quite far in advance). Also very disrespectful of people’s time and existing commitments and pretty flaky.

VoyageVoyager · 19/03/2025 09:00

This whole set up sounds quite mad. What are you basing your idea that The Wives control the social lives of The Husbands on, and will only issue passes for them to go out if put in the diary months in advance? Why are you socialising with people you clearly don't like, anyway? If your DH wants to go and visit a friend, why does the whole family need to trek there? Can't he just go alone?

wowwhataday · 19/03/2025 09:05

You’re not flexible. You just think you are but only when it suits you.

SJM1988 · 19/03/2025 09:08

It all sounds a bit petty to be honest. If you DH wants to see his friends with his family, and everyone is free...why wouldn't you go. Get DH to do the driving if you don't want to as its his friends.

I'm a planner. I have to be not because I want to be. I have 2 kids with weekend activities, family to see, friends to see (alot of my friends live some distance), my DH has friends to see and then our own family holiday time etc. That doesn't mean I'm not flexible, it just means that if you want to guarantee to see us a certain time, you have to arrange it. If you want to be a last minute person you risk not meeting up.

I'm booked up with seeing my parents (they live 3 hours away) until Sept. Our own family holidays are all decided for the rest of the year.

Springhassprungthesunisout · 19/03/2025 09:14

8 hrs of driving to see someone for a few hours? Nah! Unless there's somewhere else that way you'd like to visit and make an overnight stay in a hotel and drive back later the next day,