To also not be flexible with friends ?

[awholelotoflabour]

I am usually a very flexible, laid back person. I absolutely loathe making plans far in advance, or being ‘ booked up ‘ for months and months.

I have been like that since my teens and I’ve stopped making the effort with people who were completely inflexible and needed to be booked 2 months in advance. It just does not work for me.

My husband’s friends wives are super super extra planners and the husbands seem to need to get permission to be able to meet their buddies, weeks / months in advance. I am not like that with my husband. Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢 but generally speaking we are relaxed and if he wants to go out for a meal with friends from one week to the next, we make it work.

My husband has sprung it on me that we should go and visit his friends this weekend and you know, let’s just go. If this was the other way around, the wives would NEVER agree to drive for 4 hours ( with kids ) at such short notice. This was the husband’s idea and apparently the wife has said that they have plans on Sunday and therefore we can’t really stay the night on Saturday. We don’t even want to stay at their house anyway, but just the principle - it doesn’t sound like we are wanted.

am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around.

Sorry to be rude but you sound insufferable. I get the feeling no one wins with you.

Maybe find your people and dont socialise with these others...

I don’t understand. You sound totally unflexible. Why do you keep labelling yourself as being the flexible one when to me, you’re not! I’d find it hard if a friend never wanted to make plans and would just let me know a day or so in advance if they’re free, I’d find them inflexible. Maybe that’s just me

You aren't central to these plans, you don't have to match anyone or roll with anyone - what you are is an obstacle for DH, that's all. He's the one being asked, whether in advance or short notice, you are saying no and expecting him to blame them in some way when awkwardly turning down an invite he actually wants to go to. Poor DH.

You need to get over yourself and have some actual flexibility, recognise you aren't the only person in the relationship and give up some of that control you're hoarding.

I think the flexible/spontaneous/planner thing is a complete red herring.

The issue surely is - DH has made plans for the weekend involving a 4 hour drive to his friend's- AIBU not to go/to be annoyed.

And I think the other wife could just as easily write- DH has just invited his friend and his wife to come from 4 hours away for the weekend when we have plans -AIBU not to host them overnight/to be annoyed.

Or, even shorter - husbands have made plans, both of their wives not happy.

Yes, this! Your idea of flexible is actually to be flaky. Drop one set of plans if something better comes along!

You sound nuts, tbh.

Not everyone wants to be super organised. I often get the impression that if people are, they are empty inside and are looking for outward validation

What the utter fuck? One of the most bonkers things I've read on here (and that's saying something...)

Let your husband go, drive and sort it out. Or don't go.

Sounf very, I'm so tough me.... 😅.

They win as OP is now changing her stance to suit them.

I think this is the crux of it. The wife doesn't care about you and can't be arsed, she isn't rolling out the red carpet for you.
Tbh if my husband invited at short notice his friend plus wife and children to come for the weekend I wouldn't be happy to host, entertain children, make small talk with a wife who was hostile, clean house, do beds, plan food, shopping etc no fecking way. I wouldn't be agreeing to that, especially not a whole weekend of it. I certainly couldn't be arsed!
I also wouldn't be shlepping 4 hours to visit someone I'm not bothered about seeing. let the husbands arrange a meet up together.
It is easy to be spontaneous with local friends. I don't like planning stuff all my friends accept that, we have party invite tonight 4 miles away, I won't know if I feel like it till about 8pm.
My husband is quite capable of doing stuff on his own without dragging me along.

You're quite tricky. You can't have it both ways.

Op, you sound insufferable. I’m sure everyone will be v pleased that you’re not going!

You are not cool and better than them because you are flexible. Do you have kids? Do they not do any activities over the weekend? I have two kids, with different activities, parties, family stuff and events and days out we like to do with them. We book things in the diary in advance. Every person I know does that.
If someone comes over to stay, I need advance notice of that too.

Sat and Sunday mornings we have kids activities. Then on Saturday afternoon dh has something planned in advance which means I need to be with the kids. Then Sunday afternoon we have a family lunch outing and just spending time as our unit of 4 before the week starts again. So we are not flexible and being booked up also includes an afternoon of downtime as well.

Either you have much older kids, or don’t do hobbies or anything then you have all the time to be flexible.

And not many people are like you. We use and allocate our time to make best use of it. If I decline and say we have plans, it might just be that we want to laze around an afternoon watching movies, kids playing at home. It doesn’t mean that we are busy, important people.