To also not be flexible with friends ?

[awholelotoflabour]

I am usually a very flexible, laid back person. I absolutely loathe making plans far in advance, or being ‘ booked up ‘ for months and months.

I have been like that since my teens and I’ve stopped making the effort with people who were completely inflexible and needed to be booked 2 months in advance. It just does not work for me.

My husband’s friends wives are super super extra planners and the husbands seem to need to get permission to be able to meet their buddies, weeks / months in advance. I am not like that with my husband. Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢 but generally speaking we are relaxed and if he wants to go out for a meal with friends from one week to the next, we make it work.

My husband has sprung it on me that we should go and visit his friends this weekend and you know, let’s just go. If this was the other way around, the wives would NEVER agree to drive for 4 hours ( with kids ) at such short notice. This was the husband’s idea and apparently the wife has said that they have plans on Sunday and therefore we can’t really stay the night on Saturday. We don’t even want to stay at their house anyway, but just the principle - it doesn’t sound like we are wanted.

am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around.

"am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? "

Wtf??? You and your husband are the ones arranging to go? What do you mean "why should I force myself to go there?". You shouldn't if you don't want to. But you and your husband are planning this trip. Otherwise why else would you make a 4 hour journey with kids in tow.

Do you honestly mean you intend to visit your friends home town, not bother visiting your friends because you can't stay overnight at theirs (they've given you a valid reason too) whilst there, and now you're being a salty fucker? Jeez, glad you aren't my friend.

You are making life hard for yourself and your dh is stuck in the middle.

i imagine the husbands have been wanting to get together for ages, hard work cause one wife is a planner and another isn’t. Suddenly there is a free Saturday, perfect they think, that pleases everyone! But no it the wrong type of flexible

So you’re not like other wives and like spontaneity, except when you…don’t?

I mean, it sounds like you hate these people anyway.

What an odd way to behave towards people who are supposed to be your friends!

I would love to be more fancy free - with work and family commitments our free time is so limited and precious that DH and I do book things in advance - otherwise they don’t happen! I think it’s a privilege to be able to be fancy free ( no weekend work, no elderly parents, no children with extra needs). If it doesn’t work for you, feel free to say no but your husband is more understanding maybe he wants to go by himself?

YABU, completely. I hope your husband goes and has a lovely time. You’re so flexible you won’t mind.

You sound like hard work. I need to plan ahead to see friends as we are all very busy and have other commitments. Carry on being fancy free but you may also find yourself being lonely in years ahead. I’d call you flaky tbh.

I feel like you think it’s somehow superior to be fancy free, and that it’s some kind of privilege you will confer on some people. I doubt very much the other couple CARES if you grace them with your presence or not. Especially as it’s so short notice - it’s not like they’ve kept the day free for you for ages and now you’ve let them down.

The reason I have to plan ahead is because between us my DH and I have loads of family, multiple groups of friends, events/parties for us and the kids etc and someone is always asking when we can next see them/ do something. We then put it in the diary so that time is ringfenced for them. Sometimes that date has to be quite far ahead as we have no free time until then. But at least we know not to double book that time.

If you aren’t as busy it’s great to be spontaneous but it doesn’t always work and I think you are unfair to be so judgy.

Op why exactly is it suffocating? Not asking in a rude way genuinely want to know because I'm a planner , I need to be because of work and everything else around us, I don't have the flexibility as you say others don't have and that doesn't work for you, but you tend to find ppl are less flexible for reasons out of their control and not usually a choice to be annoying to others when it comes to making plans. I also think it comes down to wanting to see someone or not. If you want to meet up with a certain friend, what's wrong with putting a date in the diary a few weeks in advance?

It’s funny you say that because I would think being so averse to planning things in advance as indicative of a person who likes to hedge their bets and hold off in case they get a better offer.

You just don't like wives. You're looking for reasons to not like them. "They plan too much, they keep their hubbies on a chain etc."

Just admit you don't like them and own it. How were you even friends with the wives in the first place? Sounds you you weren't really, otherwise you'd be saying "my mates" not "the wives".

I’m tickled at your tone deafness! You sound like a petulant child. It’s you that is the problem, you don’t like them and try to find a way to blame it on them for not meeting up. Your OH must find it exhausting, and embarrassing.

I would ask how much I liked the people and were they worth it first of all? If they are making negative noises, arrange another time, and having a few loose dates in the diary never did anyone any harm. It is all about balance and how much you like them. If they are just friends who fill up a list and are super organised and expect you to be, I would be looking for other friends. I had a friend who used to plan three months in advance. She drove me nuts because I did not know what I would be doing in three months time. She advised me once that she was so busy she could not see me so I advised that I too was so busy I could not see her. Never heard from her again. As you get older, you will recognise 'your' people and they are ones you need to foster, not the stylish on hangers.

They don’t like you, they don’t want you to stay

Sounds like, on this occasion, the friends wife actually HAS been flexible (despite usually being a ‘planner’) and has accepted the arrangements at short notice. You can’t stay on Saturday, but hadn’t planned to anyway.
Either go, or don’t, but don’t try to blame or deflect your decision onto others.

I get it OP. I would be exactly the same. Why should you drop everything when they need to plan 6 months in advance?! YANBU.

Part of being flexible, OP, is that you recognise and are respectful that different people have different ways of life.

You speak very disrespectfully of people different to you, with a tone that suggests you somehow think you’re ’above it’, and as though being busy and needing to plan is controlling or warrants disdain.

THAT’S what makes you inflexible, and honestly you come across as quite unpleasant.

I do know what you mean about having loads of plans in the diary - it can feel miserable and overwhelming. I love having a blissfully clear diary (other than lovely plans with family - which is the major, number one priority for me) so we can see what we actually feel like doing - with or without friends- depending on a million different variables.

Maybe you try not to get locked into plans with these people specifically because you don’t really want to get together with them? Are they your husband’s friends and their wives, really? If so I wonder if it’s time to start encouraging him to get together with these friends on his own? Could they all meet for a golf/ cycling/ football watching/ whatever day somewhere that suits and stay overnight. Travel home the next morning. That, 2/3 times a year, would be WAY preferable to me rather than having to pack up and drag my kids on an eight hour round trip to be with people I’m not bothered about seeing, just do my husband can get to see his mate.

OP, I was a lot like you, not keen on too much planning ahead, often because I was too busy in the week to plan and too tired at the weekend to see people, but the people I care about do plan and if I want to see them, I need to as well. My OH will happily book something for every weekend do I have to ensure we have free weekends at least 1 in 3 or we both get burned out, and on those free weekends, we don't make plans and do exactly as we want, together or apart. Pick the people you want to see, get a few dates in the diary for the next 6 months and keep others free, and you'll find the balance that works for you.

I hardly ever seen the people I know who are spontaneous. They tend to respond to invites with "I don't know what I am doing/can I see nearer the time?" That to me translates as "I might get a better offer." So we rarely see each other, unless I happen to be free when they fancy meeting up.
Then they complain that I haven't seen them for ages!

I don’t understand why it’s necessary to be bitchy about the wives? They’ve not had anything to do with the planning? Last minute (because it is the way YOU work) the husbands have made a plan. Friend’s wife has reasonably said staying over doesn’t work because of XYZ but she’ll host on Saturday. Make lunch, tidy house etc? That’s pretty reasonable.

4 hours each way is too long for a day trip, why be pissed off someone else wouldn’t do it? Just don’t do it either and accept if you don’t make plans you won’t see them.

You sound very catty about this group of women. It’s probably a good thing you aren’t going.

This! 100%

Would you have preferred your dh to tell you on the morning?

Refusing to make plans in advance isn’t being laid back and flexible. You’re just as inflexible as the others, but in a different way, as you’re demonstrating here by getting het up about this suggested plan.