To also not be flexible with friends ?

[awholelotoflabour]

I am usually a very flexible, laid back person. I absolutely loathe making plans far in advance, or being ‘ booked up ‘ for months and months.

I have been like that since my teens and I’ve stopped making the effort with people who were completely inflexible and needed to be booked 2 months in advance. It just does not work for me.

My husband’s friends wives are super super extra planners and the husbands seem to need to get permission to be able to meet their buddies, weeks / months in advance. I am not like that with my husband. Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢 but generally speaking we are relaxed and if he wants to go out for a meal with friends from one week to the next, we make it work.

My husband has sprung it on me that we should go and visit his friends this weekend and you know, let’s just go. If this was the other way around, the wives would NEVER agree to drive for 4 hours ( with kids ) at such short notice. This was the husband’s idea and apparently the wife has said that they have plans on Sunday and therefore we can’t really stay the night on Saturday. We don’t even want to stay at their house anyway, but just the principle - it doesn’t sound like we are wanted.

am I unreasonable at this instance to also say that I don’t want to do that ? If the shoe was on the other foot, there is no way in hell any of the other wives would ever agree to just go on a long trip on a whim like this. You’d have to book it in, at least 6 months prior. So why should I force myself to go there ? When they’re busy anyway? If they wanted us to come, they could have offered to include us in their plans. That’s what we would do if it was the other way around.

So you wouldn’t make arrangements in advance to visit… but your DH wants to visit at a time they have plans.

So you will never really see these friends

On principle (yours)

Lots of free diary for relaxed and spontaneous things is great.

But for 4 hour visits you need to plan in advance to make sure everyone saves the date.

Sorry but it doesn't sound like you are flexible at all. Not wanting to plan but not wanting to be spontaneous.. make your mind up? If they had asked you with notice you wouldn't have accepted anyway as its too far in advance. Hard work people in my life stop getting invited to anything.

You are completely missing the point. This wife had other plans prior to your husbands spontaneous visit idea. Why on earth would she include you in her pre made plans. That's bizarre.

Because being flexible benefits you!
You like it! You said yourself you'd "loathe" being a planner!

It's as if you like going out different places for food, they prefer hosting so you usually go to theirs = works for everyone. Now they've suggested eating out and you don't want to do it for no discernible reason.

Don't go if you don't want to, but don't base the decision on whether other people would or wouldn't go. If you would otherwise like or even not mind going but say no just to prove some imaginary point that nobody else has even mentioned or is probably aware of, that's pathetic.

I’m actually dying to know @awholelotoflabour when is an acceptable time to make plans for you? Two weeks in advance, one week in advance? I’m really surprised you don’t get it. People have busy lives. They need to plan things.

Advance planners, my arse. Like the RF or PM, no less. They are just trying to make God laugh (c). Bugger them, don't go.

Because you ARE flexible and they’re not? This is so weird. That’s like them saying why should they try and make plans with you because you don’t like to plan ahead like you do.

just block them out your life and live your spontaneous life as you wish

They don't want to be fancy free people.

You do.

Don't be an arsehole.

What you really mean by “spontaneous/ flexible” is that you want the wife to change or drop her other plans for the weekend because you are free and fancy a visit.

The short notice isn't the problem. An 8 hour round trip is the problem. You will be travelling longer than you are visiting.

its reasonable to not go because it's too much for one day (which would be the case whether it was proposed 6 months or 6 hours ahead).
What would be more spontaneous would be to embrace the opportunity to visit friends, then book a hotel not too far from them. An unexpected break followed by a leisurely journey home on Sunday , exploring somewhere new to you.

Jeez such drama. You sound totally exhausting. I wouldn't be including you in anything

I would just go if I wanted to, and not otherwise. Wouldn't get into this daft tit for tat I don't want to be more/less flexible than you equation.

You are so massively awkward!!

They've booked themselves up in advance which is why they already have plans on Sunday so this on a whim Saturday plan is awkward for them.

You want to be all fancy free as some weird way of sticking it to the system and then you're offended that other people won't be free for you on a whim because they have no problem with booking things because that how life is.

Kids have clubs etc on the weekend so booking things in advance is sometimes that only way people actually get time in with friends and family because what's the point of paying for Saturday football only to drop it because you fancy being whimsical?

You really do sound like hard work.

Honestly, if you continue being this difficult in life, you're going to be left with no friends. You could be the funniest, best conversationalist, most loyal individual. But with your demands, no one is going to stick around.

I assume you're youngish, because this demanding, sulky attitude is quite childish.

You say you're the flexible one, but you actually sound very inflexible!
Feels a bit like digging your heels in for no reason.
It really just comes down to whether you want to go or not. 4 hour drive sounds like a nightmare, personally I wouldn't go for that reason, but not because it wasn't booked in advance.

Your cutting your nose off to spite your face. And it is your dh who is missing out.

Why should you always be the flexible one? Because that’s how you like to be? You can’t have it both ways…I like to be spontaneous and why should I be the one who’s always spontaneous?

You sound draining, rigid and to be honest the tone of your language used when describing how people like to plan their life makes you sound very judgemental and immature. “Of course, occasionally there are ‘ things in the diary ‘ 🤢” 🙄🙄 You’re not more superior to other people because you’re flaky and won’t plan big events in advance, it doesn’t make you edgy or the cool wife. Don’t be shocked when people avoid asking you to do things in future because you’ve labelled yourself the awkward wife.

I'm sure they would much prefer for you to book a weekend when they're free, so I'm not sure why you're phrasing it as though it will be annoying for them. If they know you're coming then they can turn down other invitations for that weekend. It would be very rude for them to cancel other plans just because you've decided to trek up there on a whim.

I'm also not sure why this plan suits you less if you're supposedly "spontaneous". You can see them on Saturday, then do something else fun either in their area or on the way home on Sunday. You've got a DH and children, you guys just entertain each other for a day out.

To be honest, it sounds like your version of spontaneous is actually "Everyone do whatever I fancy on the day that I fancy doing it, and cancel everything else for me." Which is better described as narcissistic.

4 hour drive with kids to see someone for a couple hours, then turn around and drive back same day? And the people you're visiting have plans the next day so need the day you're going to ready their house and get stuff done? This is a trip, not just a go out and do something.

Your husband's being a dolt and possibly the other husband too. They already had plans. I wouldn't go, this is just rude of them.

You sound really mad the the other families have things like get togethers and trips planned in advance.

If you want to do things spontaneously, then do them. But don't expect other people to be able to go along or accommodate your spontaneity. They have plans.

You don't sound flexible, you sound like one of those people who wants to rock up at random when you feel like it and expect everybody to drop what they're doing for you because they, free spirit and all.

In summary - (echoing many others!)

If they invite you 6 months ahead- you will not commit as that's not how you like to manage your social life.
If they invite you a few days in advance - again you will not go because they haven't invited you in advance.
You will not invite them in advance because you haven't planned anything in advance.
You will not invite them spontaneously because you think they will not accept.

You do not really want to meet them.

Leave them to your DH.

This! It sounds so tiring to be honest @awholelotoflabour

😂😂😂 accurate.

This is like reading satire....but written by a child.

You pride yourself on being "fancy free" but are literally the most rigid inflexible person, petty enough to cut your nose off but also happy to ruin your husband's and children's plans.

I feel so sorry for your family but think these 'friends' have dodged a bullet.

You'd hate me, we can be booked up for months. We just happen to have lots of family and friends, and 2 young children with endless parties and playdates. Also have annual passes to stuff you have to book up in advance.

I’m not sure what the issue is ? You have been invited at short notice ( not by the wife who does the planning but they aren’t stopping you) and you don’t want to go because they are not changing plans for you? I am pretty sure they won’t care if they suddenly have to book things in advance with you as they probably plan that anyway…