To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

[Lucielue79]

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

Will she not notice when you're very upset at home??
I wouldn't make any plans just yet. A lot of work and stress goes in to keeping secrets. And it might be completely unnecessary.

Sorry you're going through this though. 💐

Nio don’t hide it. She’ll be more upset you didn’t tell her.

I think you're underestimating the impact it will have on you, surely she will notice you're sad, you've gone to visit her and you arranging all the stuff that comes with the death of a parent.

I think in such situations it's best to be honest.

If she has suffered a bereavement can she not sit her exams at a different time?

I can’t imagine doing this but suppose it depends on how close you & your DD’s are to her.

I feel like you will be destroying your DD’s trust.
Why couldn’t she attend the funeral?

But the alternative is that I tell her and she potentially fails her exams.

I would be ok in front of her. I’m not a big crier.

I am listening to replies and taking them on board though.

i think you'd do more damage not telling her than telling her to be honest.

Can you start to gently prepare her now. If handled well, she should still be able to cope well with her exams.

Sorry for your troubles.

If the funeral was during the exams I’m guessing you can’t miss an exam due to funeral attendance.

Does she know her DGM is dying?

Or you could tell her and she does just fine in her exams?
If she's so distraught about her grandparent dying that she'll fail her exams, then she's probably close enough to them to want to know when they pass...

Sorry you’re going through this I don’t think you can hide it really she will surely realise something isn’t right? I would prepare her for it so she knows it could happen but also let school know presumably they can make the examining bodies aware and special considerations be made. I came across some info on this recently when FIL died there’s some information on gov.uk x

Then time the funeral for when she doesn’t have an exam.

Your dad is 15/16 and this is your mum's death.

It's not like dd is 6 and you're trying to hide a dead goldfish until she gets home from school.

Gcses are months away. Do some prep work now so that DD is aware of the gravity of your mum's situation.

You can't hide your own feelings, a whole funeral with significant family attending, presumably, and all the admin that goes with dealing with a death.

Far better that did is prepared in advance, then you can be as present as possible for DD during her exams.

It doesn't actually sound like she's close to her grandparent though? Surely if she were she would want to see her and go to the funeral. Nothing you've said indicates they are close enough that this would impact her exams?

If she's close enough to her that it would potentially cause her to fail the exams I'd be more worried about her never trusting you again if you didn't tell her and she didn't get the chance to say goodbye.

I’d tell her. My son lost both grandfathers in GCSE year. Are you suggesting she won’t attend the funeral? I don’t think it’s the right thing to do to keep it from her. Children are resilient. Death is part of life. I lost one of my best friends on Saturday, she was a big part of our family. DD (16) has been very upset. As have I of course. She was only young. I don’t think it’s the right thing to do to hide illness and death from children old enough to understand. To hide it for 3 months would be wrong.

So sorry for your loss.

Of course you schedule the funeral on a non exam day

Won't you have a say in funeral arrangements? Pick a day with no exams?

My mum died as my DD was starting her GCSE’s. She was very close to my mum so it didn’t feel right not to tell her. School were made aware and were great, my dd said it made her more determined to do well to make her nan proud. She managed to pass them

No, that’s not really how public exams for hundreds of thousands of young people works.

Speak to her school's exams officer. There are special considerations that can be applied for in the case of a bereavement. They will also known if she can miss an exma for a funeral..
GCSEs are important but not the end of the world if her grades are slightly lower than expected.
My DD would find keeping this a secret a massive betrayal of trust tbh.

You absolutely can but you’re going to book the funeral so just do it on a day she doesn’t

she needs to allowed to go to her funeral

Pleas please don’t do this. My mum hid my DGMs death for a few weeks for similar reasons, and when I eventually found out it floored me. Not only was she dead, I had been deceived.

It honestly hit the trust I had in my mum that she could lie about something so big.

Why would a grandparent dying lead to someone failing their exams?

Yes it’s sad, and we can feel grief, but my guess is you equip your children to rise to the challenges of life rather than working in the assumption they will collapse in a heap.

Sorry you are going through this. Don’t hide it, she won’t thank you for keeping her in the dark. Obviously be sensitive about exactly when you tell her, depending on her timetable. Presumably she is aware that her grandmother is ill, so you can have a conversation now about what may happen and the potential arrangements, and what she would like.