To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

[Lucielue79]

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

Yes, but that's a parent. Would it be the same for a grandparent?

I was on holidays when my grandmother died and was told when I got home.
I certainly never thought they meant anything by it.
I was very fond and close to her.

OP prepare your daughter for this by stressing how unwell she is, so there is no shock. Also mention that she might not be able to attend the funeral and you will mark it later.

Wishing you well.

I don’t think deaths should ever be kept secret for any reason, I think that is damaging for everyone. The only caveat being - if it occurred say, on the night before your DD’s final exam, I suppose it would be reasonable to not disclose it until the following day when she had completed the exam, but other than that, I don’t think it’s a good idea.

You say your DD won’t notice in terms of not seeing her regularly, so how close is she to her GM? In any event, I don’t think there’s any point in worrying unduly about this scenario as you have no idea when your DM might die. But in general, I think concealing a death for more than 24 hours (and for a very good reason) is not a good idea

OP. This is such a stressful and emotional time for you so I can understand why you're trying to control what you think you can.i honestly don't think you can understand the impact of the grief until you lose someone so close to you so he kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. Exams can be retaken; you never get your parent back. Xxxx

I think it could still be taken into consideration. OP could speak to the Exams Officer directly to find out.

I really think you need to tell her and expect her to cope. I can’t see what good would come from shutting her out.

Im so glad to hear you have decided to tell her, @Lucielue79

You have plenty of time to prepare her, and that makes a huge difference.

Having secrets kept around someone dying can be devastating. It happened to me though I was a bit younger than your daughter. You know something is very wrong, but no one will tell you. I wish very much I'd been prepared (death of adoptive mum when I was 12). It would have been horribly hard but it was even harder without preparation. No one lied to me by omission but no one told me the truth either.

Absolutely this. My parents, twice, kept the news of family deaths (a DGP and a cousin) from me due to my exams (albeit uni exams) and it upset me even more. It weirdly felt like I was overreacting when I was told as everyone else had processed the deaths by the time I was told so weren’t as outwardly devastated in the way that I was. I understand why they did it- and appreciate the thought behind it- but I’d still not recommend doing it.

As pp have said, the best thing now is to talk to her and prepare her. Be very honest, and also be honest that you are concerned about the impact on her exams.
It's a tough time for you, I hope you've got support as well.

Special.comsideration is a maximum of 5% so not really going to make up for the impact of the loss but some things a e far more important than exams. I say this as a very experienced teacher xxxxc

We asked that the nursing home didn't contact us until after 9am so that I didn't have to hide my feelings and they could get to morning exams OK. In the end she lived another year anyway.

Funerals in England tend to be a few weeks after the death so it can probably be delayed until half term and she can attend.

I wouldn’t tell her on the morning of an exam and maybe if it happened on the last day or two of the exam period you could delay that long. The funeral can wait a couple of weeks if necessary. But otherwise I would not keep it secret. That would be weird in all kind s of ways.

This. That is of course, if you ever want your dd to trust you ever again.

Losing a parent is unlike anything else you experience. You might not be a big crier - and neither am I usually but it was a massive emotional impact which I couldn’t hide from anyone.

My daughter is taking her GCSEs this year. I think I’d probably shield her from the worse of what your mum is going through now but also gently warn your daughter she is poorly so that If she did die during the exams it wasn’t completely out the blue for her. I don’t think this is something to be hidden though. Funerals can be planned to avoid certain dates, the funeral directors would guide on this and help you.

Firstly, please accept my sympathy, I have been in a similar situation. I was very close to my paternal grandma, she had had a minor stroke,I was actually doing my nursing training..I visited her in hospital, she went home, sadly had another stroke and died,my late DM didn't tell me,till after she died, I was upset then angry. Hopefully you have a while to discuss the situation with your DD and get her views, although it must be said they don't sound very close.

Some good advice here already. I can only echo to start preparing you daughter now. She must know grandma is quite ill. The fact you are thinking that she might only 3 months to live is something you could discuss with her (I assume she has a serious illness to have a diagnosis with a limiting life expectancy).
I also think the advice of not telling her on the morning of an exam should that happen and wait til she arrives home. I think the advice from another poster to ask the hospice/home to call after 9am is a good one to avoid distress on the day.
As others have said you can ask the school to apply for special circumstances, again it might be worth contacting the school now to speak to the exams team considering you believe it is quite likely for this to happen in the exam period.
Sorry you are going through all this and hope you have someone supporting you.

My Grandpa died during my final university exams. I would have been devastated if I hadn't been told, it would be like saying "exams and revision are more important than family and feelings" which is a worrying example to set. I don't think I would get over that to be honest.

She is mature enough to understand that she might not be able to attend the funeral if there is an exam on the same day, but she could come after the exam.... She still deserves a chance to be part of the grieving, don't take that away from her.

I don't think you can possibly know the answer to this until it happens. My son's grandad died last month. His Dad told me on the wednesday and I held off telling my son until the Friday after he had finished school and his last Jiu Jitsu training session of the week.

If she dies on the first monday then I might think about holding off until the weekend or even half term. If it's the last week of exams I would most probably just let her get those done and then let her know.

Same. It is also doubly difficult being at a different stage of grief to everyone else.

As someone else said, it would be best if you let her know how ill your mum is so it doesn't come as a shock out of the blue

Sorry to hear about your mum.
My son is also doing his GCSE’s and I think whatever happens in the next 12 weeks he knows what he knows if you see what I mean? He isn’t suddenly going to know or not know the geography case studies and he isn’t going to forget how to do maths whatever happens. So as long as she can physically get to the exam she can sit it and get special consideration. The exams run from 8th of may - 16th of June ish. (Those are just my sons exam dates) so even if you tell her on the 7th of may for example she might be too upset to make the exam on the 8th of may but might then be able to carry on and so the others. Or if it happened in June she might have already got some exams under her belt. In terms of last minute study i don’t think they will suddenly go up a grade in 12 weeks if they study loads so I think what she is getting now she is likely to get in the exams regardless. It’s just a case of whether she is too upset to physically go to the exam. If she goes to it the knowledge will be there regardless. I wouldn’t keep it a secret.

I think that generally lying is more damaging than the truth, no matter what the truth is.
The damage that is done by the lies lives on longer than the grief of the truth

I kept my teenage son's cancer diagnosis secret while we waited for the tests to come back about how far it might have spread. He was studying for exams. It would have just worried him and we didn't know how good or bad the results were. We told him the night before before the hospital visit where he got good news. I don't regret what we did. We had weeks of uncertainly but there was no benefit to telling him earlier.

My mother died during dd1 gcse exams. My mother lived abroad. Dd1 missed one exam completely to go to the funeral and sat it in the august instead she also got special considerations for 1 exam she sat after my mother passed. The school was frankly amazing.

Dd2s best friend lost her dad on the Friday very suddenly. She still sat her A level on the Monday morning (got a 8 as well) she said she had a dream her dad came and told her to go to exam and do her best and it would be ok.

Don't deceive your dd. It will leave her wondering what else you are not telling her.
As for not being a big crier. Many other ways grief manifests. For me when mum died I could not sleep to begin with and after struggled to think straight. It was obvious I was grieving. I recall dh being in that can't think straight place too directly after fil passed.

Other than Maths and English I don't think there are November resits anymore are there?

Your DD should be aware how ill her GM is so she can be processing this now. it is very odd to keep the this a secret. My FiL was in hospital for 8 weeks and then died just before DDs A levels. Both my kids were fully aware grandad was dying and DH spent weeks living at his mum's house 150 miles from us whilst all this was going on. My kids were fine because this is something that happens to everyone and it was my duty as a parent to help them with this not hide it. As it was school overheard DD say something about grandad being terminally ill and applied for consideration in her exams on her behalf (2% I think). DD was mortified as she said she didn't need it. She got very good results. If i were you OP I'd be questioning why you are trying to control everyone's feelings. It's fine to be upset or sad and it doesn't mean she will fail her exams.