To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

[Lucielue79]

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

If she has an exam that day, delivering the news can wait. Otherwise, you must tell her. It would have put a huge strain on my teenage relationship with my mother if she had withheld knowledge of my grandmother's death.

Should it happen, schedule the funeral for a non-exam day.

I found out about a family member's death about 10 minutes before I was picked up for my driving test. I passed with flying colours!

We had a slightly different but similar situation. When DS went to uni, he knew both GDs were ill and would likely die within the year. We sat down and asked him, should anything happen close to or during exams would you like us tell you or not? We actually had the same conversation when he went travelling for 2 months the summer before uni.

He decided he was ok to be told in revision time, but not during the actual exams. I think a proper conversation with your DC now is the way forward, so they can have a think about what they want and you all know where you stand.

OP, until your DM actually dies, you have absolutely no idea of how it will affect you.

Your DD is of an age where she understands that death happens. Presumably she knows that her GM is seriously unwell, so I really think that the best thing you can do is prepare her for the loss. You could even ask her if she would prefer you not to tell her if it does occur during exams, at least that way she'll have a choice in the matter., but in your shoes, I personally would tell her, and allow her to experience grief with everyone else, as death is very much a part of life, and we all have to deal with it at some point.

Obviously, you're very worried about your mum, but this is all a hypothetical. The actual likelihood of her passing away during the exact fortnight of exams is fairly slim anyway.
But if you DO think that's quite likely, then you'd do far better by speaking to your DD about it.
"Grandma is very ill, and it's likely she might die around the time you're doing your exams. How would be best to handle this?"

Of course it wouldn't be reasonable to try and hide the death from your DD.

Won't you be upset? Even it's a slow build up and not unexpected when it does finally happen, it's still horribly upsetting, and I honestly don't think you'll be able to hide it well enough for the average 15/16yo to NOT notice something's up.

I really wouldn't do this. I have worked with young people where secrets have been kept and it breaks all trust. No exam is worth that.
I know that there are contingency days so I wonder if they would be used for funerals. Be worth talking to school about that

My parents did this to me while I was doing my GCSE’s my Gran died on Wednesday but I wasn’t told until Friday after my last exam. Unfortunately I randomly bumped into a very very distant relative on Wednesday lunch time while out at the shops on lunch break. I was laughing and joking around as 16 years do and he saw me and said I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma in that moment I knew she had died (I’d been told she was poorly)and had to do 3 days worth of exams knowing but not knowing. I’ve never forgotten or forgiven my mum and it has totally messed me up

You have to tell her. If it were me I would never forgive you. I had a lot of MH issues around my GF’s death which I feel were a result of how it was handled including a delay in being told.

Things you can do is pre-warn the school, there will be an opportunity for mitigating circumstances if they are needed.

Speak to the school, they will have come across this situation before.

I wouldn’t hide it from her. Lay the ground work now.

Be honest with your child but apply for special consideration if it happens during the actual GCSEs. You can’t do this before or after her exams. Sorry you’re going through this x

I think it would be ok to delay telling her so it’s not just before an exam, but it would be very hard for her to be told that the funeral happened & she didn’t know.

I would think that she is old enough to have an opinion & to know that her GM is likely to die soon. So the best option would be to discuss it with her & get her to agree that if GM dies during an exam week then you won’t tell her until the Friday evening.

Also, as the deceased’s daughter surely you can request a Saturday funeral as least disruptive.

My parents tried to do exactly this when I was doing my A Levels, and it completely backfired because I found out when someone offered condolences and it was the first I had heard of it. I felt totally betrayed and humiliated.

Please tell her. Start preparing her now, tell her Granny is very unwell, may die. And remember - 6 degrees of separation

I know a family where they didn't tell DD of the unexpected death of a old school friend. Coming up to GCSEs.

Day before the funeral, which was the day before exams started too, the DD bumped into someone who knew someone who was a cousin of the friend who died and of course the death and the funeral were mentioned. Absolutely distraught DD. On the eve of her exams. Yes she was going to be very upset about the death of her friend, but she would have had a week or more to get her her around it. School could have been informed so additional support could have been arranged

You simply can't guarantee she won't hear about her Granny's death from someone else, even if you manage to keep a lid on your own grief.

I sat my last A level exam on the day my grandad died. I was able to compartmentalise my grief and power on. I knew he wouldn’t have wanted me to fail because of him. However, everyone is different.

Contingency days are not for individual pupils. They are for if there has been a national fuck up and an exam couldn’t be sat on the scheduled day (exam released on line for example meaning the reserve paper would need to be distributed to centres which can take time)

We were in the sane position final exams at uni, we kept quiet. So sad for your loss. BTW our DS was grateful not to have known

Nope. That's not what they're for.

I would second suggestions you ask dd now what she would like if the worst happens. When ds sat his exams his dad was having a lot of potentially sight loosing surgery . We asked him what and when he wanted to know. We had kept quite previously when issue had started , he was very angry and quite clear he wanted to know if it happened again, which it did.

I think a lot of this is down to timing and how close your daughters are to your mother. If your mother passes either during GCSEs or during the week beforehand, I would postpone telling them until after GCSEs and arrange the funeral for afterwards.its an intense period that has an effect on their future plans and I would not want to add to their stress or take away their focus. So sorry you are going through this

My mum sadly passed away whilst DS was in middle of GCSEs. My mum had been in hospital around 2 months prior to passing. I notified school and they were great. They were able to notify exam board who added a note of special circumstances as it was deemed he would not be able to revise appropriately whist she was unwell / disruption around hospital visits etc. We managed to arrange the funeral on a day he did not have exams however school did say that they could rearrange exams or base results on coursework if funeral was on an exam day.

This 👆

This!

my brother was devastated he wasn’t told about my grandmother’s death when he was abroad.

prepare her now for the possibility and have any funeral on a non exam day.

don’t destroy her trust through dishonesty

Fuck no.

Prepare her for whats potentially going to happen, deal with it if/when it happens.

Death is a part of life, but being lied to and tricked (because that is what you intend doing) by people you trust is not something any child needs and is far harder to get over!

I still feel the anger and humiliation - yep really - at finding out that a close family friend had died and I hadn't been told. I was considered too young (six) to be told, was shipped to some random stranger for the day with my sister (not a random stranger to my parents but I'd never met her past being a tiny baby) for the funeral and wake.

I felt humiliated and stupid for not understanding what was going on, and absolutely furious that they'd lied to me. It came out a couple of months later when I asked why we hadn't seen 'Uncle' Gwynn for a while and then they told me.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am too.
For what it is worth I think you need to tell her.

It would be a massive thing to withhold from her. I think she has a right to know and withholding this could really impact your relationship with your daughter at a time you need each other.

We found out yesterday that my Mum has a few weeks left. My daughter is sitting GCSE this summer. I told her straight away and will keep her informed. She has decided she doesn’t want to see GM as she has advanced Alzheimer’s and doesn’t know her anymore. But would like to go to the funeral.

it is a lot, but we’ll just keep supporting her and talking about it. And reminding her how proud her grandmother would be about her hard work (she would). I know it is not ideal timing, but when is?

We will delay the funeral if needs be.

Best of luck to you at this hard time.

My daughter lost her GF the year she was preparing for GCSE exams. She was close with him, and he’d been ill but it was hopeful he’d recover. He died suddenly in hospital, two years ago. I had to run home and tell her because she was leaving school to change and go and see him. It was devastating for her, but I couldn’t keep such a big thing from her. She would have instantly thought something fishy was going on. You must be honest with your kids if you want them to trust you. DD still did well in her exams, and we toasted her grandad on results day. He would have been so proud of her.