To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

[Lucielue79]

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

This. The exam time table has already been issued so your DD will know what days she doesn't have any exams or only has one a day. If the inevitable happens during the exams you can arrange with the funeral director what date you want to hold it and do it on an exam free day.

GCSEs start beginning of May and finish late June (depending on subjects). That’s a long time to keep news away from someone

I think you would do best by starting to prepare your DD for the worst now, including making sure she’s “ahead” on revision so that she can take her exams on auto-pilot if needed. (Obviously you would find a better way of expressing it than that, if at all).
I think being upset will have a bigger impact on the ability to absorb any last-minute learning than on the actual sitting of the exam. I’m so sorry that this is adding stress to what must already be a difficult time for you.

I think it depends on the timescale. If it’s a case of waiting a couple of days then I think that would be ok, if it’s a week or more or worse even several weeks then I think she would feel betrayed.

As my name suggests, my DSis died last year totally unexpectedly though so slightly different. DS had exams at uni (that he had previously failed). The exams were make or break as to whether he stayed at uni.

She died on the Tuesday but we didn’t go down and tell him until the evening on the Thursday when his exams had finished. We were not nearby so he wouldn’t have seen our demeanour. I’m not a crier generally but there is no way I could have hidden it if we were in the same house.

FWIW I am an exam invigilator and this is not an uncommon scenario.

i agree with PP who said talk to your school's exams officer. They will have a protocol for how the exams are conducted in such a scenario. It's happened twice in the 3 years I have done invigilation. The situation was reported to the exams board as a 'special consideration' and had to be backed up with evidence. In our case it is a small independent school so we were able to put the student who was quite distressed into her own room with her own invigilator so she could express any grief she may have felt in privacy (and also did not disturb the other candidates).

Hiding it isn't a good idea for all the reasons already discussed. My DS went to a big event in London in the middle of his GCSEs which involved an overnight stay. Fortunately it coincided with a day when he didn't have an exam as we had no control over the date. It was important to him to be there. Just because someone is sitting exams doesn't mean they can't do other things.

I think telling her, but with lots of support, and re-assuring her that her gran would have wanted her to get on with studying and making the best of her life, and is right behind her.

And try and keep things calm and low key.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

Considering it's March, could you ask her? Is she mature enough to understand the implications of being told?

I’m sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation as a child, was not told the truth and not allowed to go to the funeral of a relative I loved very much. I have never forgotten and have felt sad about it ever since, over 50 years later. Please don’t hide it from her.

I haven't forgiven my dad for not telling me my Grandma died til after her funeral. I wasn't stupid I knew something was wrong but nobody would tell me what.

But you will have some (if not all of the) say in the date of the funeral, so can schedule it for a time that works for your daughter.

Don’t underestimate the ability of your child to take the death in their stride either, especially if they are not that close to them (which is implied by the fact that you could even hide it from her). Two of my GP died a couple of months before my O Levels, and whilst I was sad I was mature enough to recognise that having to cope with the death of your GPs in your teens was a pretty normal and natural thing to happen and got on with my life.

My uncle died on the morning of my first A-level exam. I knew it was coming - my mum
was very open about that and gave me the opportunity to visit him. I actually stayed with a friend the night before the exam (he died in the early hours) so I didn’t find out before my exam, but my mum told me as soon as I got home (I had a few days until the next exam anyway). I understand your want to protect your DD so I think not telling her for a day or so (or on the day of an exam) is fine, but I don’t think you should keep it a secret for any longer. The funeral can be arranged for a day she doesn’t have an exam.

You can also notify the school of special circumstances if it impacts any exams - I didn’t feel I needed to in the end (and my results were all as predicted) but it’s an option if you feel she needs it.

You can choose the time of the funeral, to an extent. You may be able to wait till most of the exams are over.

also don’t underestimate how long it takes to arrange a funeral. It’s just taken us nearly 3 weeks to get a death certificate.

how close is DD to her grandmother. If she doesn’t see her much then potentially she will be fine.

No. She would have to wait another year and only be able to take Englush and maths. GCSEs are pretty inflexible. I don't think November exams are a thing now.

As funerals take so long to arrange it is likely that it wouldn't take place until after exams anyway.

When my next door neighbour died they delayed the funeral until after one of the grandchildren had sat her finals at university.

She’s too old to be doing this OP. Be honest with her now about her grans health.

I would do this. Have a gentle chat with her, tell her it might not happen but what would she think about it? Exams are not a solid block, she probably has half term in the middle and weekends of course. You might agree a plan e.g. waiting until Friday to tell her so she has time to process it. The disadvantage to this is she might be hyper alert to your moods and ve second guessing you.

I think as a 16yo I would have understood not being told for a bit. My exams were very important to me. However I might have felt in the dark if I hadn't been told for weeks. I would have accepted not going to the funeral if that clashed with exams.

Funerals often take a long time now. With MIL it was 8 weeks between passing away and the funeral.

We’ve just recently lost my dad and both my DSs were understandably upset but went about their lives. They did attend his funeral but if it had been on an exam day I would not have expected them to (of course they would have had the choice but I think in all honesty they would have done their exam).

do what’s right for your DD but personally I’d tell her if it does happen.

Please be honest. I lost my Aunt at 15, and was due to take Mocks, yes I was understandably upset but I'd have been even more so if my parents had kept it from me. In all honesty, you won't be able to keep it a secret, you will be upset and it will be impossible to hide. Your daughter isn't so young that she won't notice changes in behaviour at home. I can guarantee she will know something is up. The other danger is you don't tell her, and her imagination runs riot, and she starts imagining you, sibling or Dad is seriously unwell. At her age, honestly is the best policy. At this point it's a possibility, but not a foregone conclusion. See what happens, if it does, your daughter may be able to attend a funeral, it depends on exams.

Tell the school ASAP so they can be prepared. One of my pupils lost a parent during GCSEs last year snd got special consideration.

You do need to start preparing your daughter now. It will certainly help if it doesn't come as a total shock to her.

I can’t see how you could possibly hide your grief, your planning etc of the funeral or the fact that the whole family was attending said funeral. I wonder, has she cousins etc that may put the information on Facebook or the like?

I would never do this to one of mine but we are quite transparent about our days so dealing with a death, and all of the stuff that comes with it isn’t something I would feel comfortable hiding.

the best case here would be to talk to your DD and plan in advance what she would like to happen. I did this with all my DC and updated the chat over the years so I knew exactly how each of them wanted to receive the information. One said to wait until they had finished work and the other said call me immediately. Perhaps your DD will have her own idea on what is for the best here?

She's not going to fail her exams because a grandparent has died.
GCSEs are a while away yet. Tell her the truth and prepare her.

You need to contact the school for this situation to be recognised when sitting the exams/marking take place.
We were in a similar situation a few years ago x