To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

[Lucielue79]

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

Sorry you're going through this 💐agree that the best thing to do is explain the gravity of the situation now so it doesn't come as a shock.

This

Allow you’d DD the opportunity to say goodbye. Contact the school and let them know.

When I was 16 my grandmother had cancer and no one told me.

I still resent them to this day for that decision. I wanted to know and would have dealt with any fallout.

Don't do that to your daughter.

Would rest of you go to the funeral and not tell where you are going? Then after exam tell that grandparent passed and has been buried and rest of the family attended funeral?

When are her exams? I personally think it's not a bad idea.

My mother didn’t tell me for 3 days my grandmother had died. We live quite far away and my mother didn’t allow me to see her either. Our relationship is really damaged. (Although this is part of a pattern of other behaviour).

Talk to the school SENCO. They can apply to the rxam board for special consideration because your child will be disadvantaged in the exam. I would do this regardless of if the have a very sick grandparent or a bereavement because it will impact their performance in the exam.

Okay this ACTUALLY happened to my and my sibling so is prob a useful response.

my DGM had a long and good life. We weren’t small children (a levels and uni)
we said goodbye every time we saw her (she’d be telling me to give her a big hug because she’d be dead soon since I about 4 or 5…!

I was absolutely fine with it and understood the reasoning.
my sibling was not very happy.
context - they saw the funeral as an opportunity to reconnect with family members who they had difficult relationships with and felt robbed with regard to that iyswim…

Given how long uk funerals take to arrange you could def fudge the dates by a week or so if that’s what’s needed to be post exam

My mother attempted to do this with me. My siblings intervened. I'm very grateful. You can't break her trust like this.

Your DD deserves to know.

She can then make her own decisions regarding attending the funeral. I’m assuming she will be 16. That’s an age where you should be making these big decisions yourself.

My mum died when my eldest was doing A level and my youngest doing GCSE. Never occurred to me to hide it. The school organised for them to get special consideration for their remaining exams and my children carried on with their exams. I’m stoic and usually quite emotionally level but it hit me like a ton of bricks. The main issue was I wasn’t me for the remainder of the exams and they struggled with that. The funeral was organised for a day when there was no exam and a weekend immediately after and both kids got what they were predicted and went off to do the next thing.

hiding such a big life event from your child is a terrible idea

My grandmother died the day before my GCSEs started. Because my parents who was the bereaved child was away at the time amd my other parent was working I spent most of the day trying to get hold of my parent in a remote place to tell them their mother was dead.

School was told, and I was given compassionate marking. My parents had to supply a copy of the death certificate for this. Got straight A's.

If it happens- tell her. I have also been in situations where my parents kept sad or difficult news from me to 'protect' me emotionally. It doesn't work. It just delays the inevitable, prevents you from sharing those experiences with your closest support network and seeds mis- trust which lingers much longer

I was very close to my grandmother and if my mum had done something like this I would never have forgiven her. All trust would be gone. I can’t even imagine hiding something like that. I get that you mean well but this would be far more traumatising than the death itself.

My Dad died a couple of weeks ago. DD is at Oxford and had to hand her dissertation in and has finals coming up. Dad lived in Oxford and together we made sure she was prepared and knew that he didn't have long. She was really sad (they were very close) but she managed to get her work completed as she had already done some of her grieving.

You still have a few weeks until exams. Start preparing her now. Presumably you will have some say in the funeral date? Make sure it's not on a day where she has exams.

I just think she might hold it against you if you hide it from her.

I had a friend whose parents did this. She knew anyway because of whispered conversations/sensing a change in tone at home etc, she talked to me at school “I think my grandad has died, but mum and dad haven’t told me, I’m not sure whether I’m allowed to ask”. Much more unsettling than if she’d been told directly I think.

No, don't do this. You will lose her trust at an important age. Start preparing her now, make sure she knows it's coming and possibly during her exams, and let school know.

Will you need to be away? Why wouldn't she go to the funeral, is it too far to travel? Surely the funeral could be arranged during a break in exams? Please don't prevent her going unless it's impossible. I couldn't go to my cousin's funeral due to Covid restrictions and it made it very hard to get over.

if you don’t tell her you are giving the message that secrets have to be kept because reality cannot be borne.

it’s better to tell her. That gives the message this is very painful - and the timing is very difficult- but it can be borne and we can get through it together and support each other.

Also it is happening, you can’t hide it. She will know on some level. She’ll know something is off and odd and that might disturb her more than the truth.

Shes 16 and is old enough to know I think.

Very sorry you are going through this.

I had similar when my Dad died two years ago. He was critically ill and DD was sitting her first year exam at Uni 200 miles away. It was however only one exam I lied to her when she called me just before she went in and said we were at the hospital, I then rang her BF to ask him to go to campus to be with her and she rang me as soon as the exam was over and I told her. She was devastated and got straight on the train home. I can't imagine holding it in for a longer period of time, we are a very close family. I don't know op it is a tough one and only you will know what is best for your DD but GCSEs take place over weeks so it may be tricky to hide.

Obviously you can't do your GCSEs at a different time but you can ask for special consideration, I know someone who this did happen too although the death was unexpected

It would depend. If it was literally the morning of an exam I wouldn’t say anything. But two weeks before I probably would.

We are in this situation, although it’s my daughter’s great-grandma. She’s 89 and we’re all incredibly close. She lives at the end of our street and therefore we see her regularly. I’ve told DD that things are pretty inevitable, and it’s likely to come within the next few months and therefore within exam season. She’s taken it quite well, and is enjoying spending time with her Nan whilst she can.

My advice would be to tell her, so that she can prep for it happening and understanding how it will make her feel. It’ll also give her the opportunity to spend time with her, should she wish so.

My grandmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer whilst I was doing my GCSE’s, she didn’t die until later in the end but it’s was kept from me for a while and I was very upset with my parents. Not saying it wouldn’t have made a difference but just to throw it in. If she actually dies then keeping it from her probably isn’t right or practical. Maybe if she had one exam left but otherwise she’s likely to be cross with you. You’ll have to play it by ear.

I think it depends on relationships and the individuals involved. My DM didn't tell me my DGM was dying and that she died during my university finals. I was fine with it as educational meant the world to my DGM and not telling me was exactly what she would have wanted. But we didn't have months of run up to it, it was a fairly short period of time.

Sorry for your situation but no this would be very unreasonable. A delay of teling her by up to 12 hours could be acceptable if the death happens the night before a maths or english exam. A delay of days or weeks is just a horrible thing to do.

Exam board will adjust marks for extenuating circumstances including bereavement.

Bless you OP, you are probably exhausted and stressed , and trying to find ways to manage a terrible situation. You are catastrophising that the worst is going to happen for your daughter and trying to come up with a strategy to deal with it.

But it's probably your mind trying to find something you can control while you are in the middle of this horrendous stage of knowing that your mum is going to die but not really knowing when. That stage is so painful and so draining, it's quite normal for your brain to be running around anticipating and solving all the hundreds of scenarios that come into your head.

But as everyone has said, it may not happen at the time you are worried about, and if it does it may not be as bad for your daughter as you think. It may be as bad or worse in other ways for you personally but we can't cross that bridge until we come to it. And actually, dreadful as grief is, it's a sign of the real love you have for your mum and you wouldn't want to have loved her less. So think about support for yourself, take it a day at a time, and trust that you will get through this.