To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

[Lucielue79]

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

You can't plan for this in advance.

If she actually dies the day before a big exam, you could justifiably tell your DD after the exam.

But keeping it from her for potentially weeks? Having her miss the funeral? No.

Unless your religious beliefs require the funeral to take place within a day or two of death, you will have some control over when the funeral is, so just don't pick a time that clashes with an exam. Ideally schedule it for after the exams have finished.

Agree with a pp, ask her now what she would want you to do if the worst happened .

Another vote for telling her. I did not attend my sibling's funeral as a (younger) child and felt resentment as I was growing up - although I completely understand my parent's reasoning now. But for a girl of your daughter's age, to have this kept hidden from her and prevented from attending the funeral - I would feel betrayed and probably lose trust in my mother for doing that.

Start discussing the possibility of her grandmother's death now and come up with a plan for how to handle the situation if it arises (hopefully it won't).

Are you really suggesting that every teenager who has an ill grandparent (or other extended family member) should be asking for special consideration? That's really not reasonable and for most it would not impact their results significantly.

My mum died in hospital while my daughter was in the middle of sitting her university exams. I chose not to tell her until the exams finished a couple of days later as the information could have affected her badly, though she knew her grandmother had a terminal illness.

It's a very personal decision and my daughter was not annoyed with me at all that I had made the decision to keep the death from her until after her last exam. She understood why I did it and I know my mum would have wanted to protect her too at that crucial point in her education.

Don't worry what people on this thread think @Lucielue79 do what you feel is the right thing for your daughter, whatever that is.

No. They're very strict.

There might be special consideration, but not much, maybe upto 2%.

This makes a really important point - that she might find out from someone else.

That's different to keeping it from them for nearly 2 months and telling their siblings.

The sibling would have to keep it a secret.

I’m sorry but this is a terrible idea. I could understand maybe not telling a small child if it was day before a birthday party or something. But someone your DD age won’t cope very well with this news being withheld. It’s likely there will be allowances made for a close family bereavement, like sitting exams at another date.

Why would she fail her exams? If you think she will grieve so intensely that she is unable to carry on with normal life, then you will damage her trust in you severely by withholding that information.

A bit weird you'd expect the 10 to to keep it a secret for up to 2 months?

Hi. So sorry you are going through this. My daughter lost a grandparent in the middle of exam season last year. It was very difficult for her as she was used to seeing them on a daily basis and they were very involved in each others lives.

Obviously each child is different but she will probably ( even subconsciously ) pick up on your sadness and stress levels whatever you do or don’t tell her.

Also, I work in an exams office - so on a practical level let the school know what is happening and also if she does pass away during exams. The school should be able to support her with maybe a smaller exam venue to reduce her stress levels and to be aware of potential upset if things aren’t what she feels she expected during the exams. Also they have a process they can use to inform the exam board / boards and this is taken into account when the paper is marked. Obviously they wouldn’t change the result by lots of grades but they will look at the paper knowing maybe some detail isnt there or small mistakes have been made as the candidates mind is not as focused. Hope this helps.

Talk to your daughter. Prepsre her that your mum is very sick and won't have long. She can start the grieving process, and when it happens, it might feel a bit less since she's done the process. Also, I think she's at an age where you can ask her how to handle it if it happens. My main concern is that if she's not told and she finds out that the whole family and extended family went to a funeral without her knowing, that would mess me up. Also play it by ear. You might know what to do when it happens.Sorry you're going through this.

I think tell her in advance things are going that way, like now, so then it's not a surprise or shock

Please don’t do this. It will trigger anxiety about what else you will delay telling her in the future.

How are you intending to hide it in this day and age of social media, how can you guarantee she won't see a Facebook post from a well meaning relative expressing sympathy. What about if people send you flowers or sympathy cards, or just say "sorry to hear about your nan" to her.

Surely it would be better to start preparing her now so it's less of a shock?

My not so DM lied to me consistently over a period of weeks about my DGM's prognosis and then didn't tell me about her death for 24 hours because, she said, "I knew you'd be busy" whatever that meant. I felt betrayed and although it was 40 years ago, I've never forgotten.

Be honest with your DD please OP. The ramifications of dishonesty can be lifelong.

She could find out elsewhere and then never trust you again.

I would only do this if you are prepared to stall the funeral, newspaper notices etc. so that DD can participate in the mourning and burial rituals.
I would tell her but stall the rituals until after the exams. (if really clashing in time.) Unless her GM passes away a month before exams and can be told and can manage her time and sadness herself.

Depends on your child and how close they are to their grandparent. My mum died just over a month ago and there's no way I could have hid it. I'm not a big crier but this has left me an emotional wreck and I was out of the house loads arranging the funnel. Your DD will know something is wrong, you have to tell her.
If they aren't close it won't effect her exams. If they are then she'll probably never forgive you for not telling her.
My eldest was incredibly close to her gran and she had to be signed off work until this week as she was crying constantly (she's 18 so not much older than your DD) so it can affect them massively but it will be so much worse if you don't tell her. She'll know you lied to her and didn't let her say goodbye.
Of course she can go to the funeral, arrange it round her exams and it's usually a few weeks between someone dying and a friend so it might not be an issue
Does she have any cousin's she's close to? How much worse will it be if they or another family member tell her?

Tell her.
Speak to school re: extenuating circumstances.

You can only take English and Maths in November, everything else will have to wait until the following June.

@Lucielue79 not only that but tell the school as well bexause this is a special circumstances that will get her 4% if very recent and has clearly affected her

honesty is always best

Ask school what the protocol is re. Family bereavement and exams. There might be a way round this. And the family might have a fair amount of flexibility on when to schedule the funeral. I’ve been to several recently at 3-4 weeks after death.

And half term comes about half way through GCSEs so it might be that the funeral could be scheduled then.