To not tell DD of grandparents death until after exams

[Lucielue79]

My mum is very unwell, there’s a strong possibility she’ll die around DDs GCSEs.

WIBU to not tell her until after the exams? She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her. My other DD is 10 years younger so no issue in delaying telling her.

We’d mark her passing in our own special way with DD at a later date and she wouldn’t be able to attend the funeral anyway due to potential exams.

Any thoughts particularly if you’ve experienced similar.

I might not. It depends on a number of factors but I wouldn’t rule out holding off. If the worst does happen, school will apply for ‘special consideration’ on your behalf, but in terms of % uplift (if it’s awarded) it’s very small.

I think it depends on a couple of factors.
Do you think she will react that badly that it will affect her exams (given that you said she won’t notice in terms of seeing her, are they close?)
If she dies a day or two before exams start, it might be worth holding off telling her but a few weeks before I probably would. Kids are more resilient than you think.
Mine were both close to grandparents and were very upset when my dm died, but I don’t think they’d have failed all their exams because of it.

With respect, I think it would be morally wrong to withhold it from her. You could start getting her used to the idea now that it may well happen during her exams and give her chance to get her around it now before it's crunch time. It will be a good lesson to her in life and how we often have to manage multiple stresses and emotions in life at any one time and that life can't be stage managed in the clinical way you're suggesting.

^^This, 100%
My dd was very close to her grandmother, she insisted on helping to nurse her too. Dd was doing her A level exams and still got very good grades.
You’re underestimating how devastating your plan will be when your dd eventually finds out and exaggerating the potential impact on your DD’s exams.

If your daughter is close enough to her Nan your worried about the impact on her exams then she deserves to know what has happened straight away. Hiding something so important from her is likely to be much more damaging in the long run.

Don't hide it. When my Dad left my Mum they kept it from me. I was studying abroad and they had decided to wait until after my exams were over. I think all the lies I was told by my parents and younger siblings have had a real impact on me.

Ask her if it happens during exams what would she prefer. School can give special consideration if she is struggling. If she wants to go to the funeral you will have her exam dates so you could plan around it

No you can’t. You can apply for special consideration due to bereavement but you will only be awarded 4-5% extra marks

You can, and they will give an average mark from other paper. You can also apply so she gets an extra few percentage overall due to bereavement - I think it’s called special measures. Don’t the exams start in May? Hopefully the funeral will be in the next couple of weeks. Taking away her right to attend the funeral will potentially upset her more.

Not telling her for a morning so that she can go to complete an exam is fine. Hiding it for more than a day is not acceptable, this is her family member not just yours, and you have a duty to inform her. Preventing her from attending the funeral is vile and she would never forgive you.

Why are you so convinced about the timeline? Death is not that precise.

I think to delay telling her by a few hours or a day is absolutely fine if this gets her past an important exam. But beyond that is unfair, and you risk her finding out via someone else.
If your daughter is doing her GCSE’s she’s probably more mature than you realise. Have an open conversation with her about her nan’s health and ask her what she would prefer.

Regarding the funeral, you can chose a date that works for your family. Exams won’t be every single day for months. It’s usually spread out and after the first couple of weeks there’s more spare days.

In my family we’ve had to have this conversation before in the context of holidays & agreed we’d rather wait until we were home from holiday. Unfortunately that came to fruition and believe me, news of a death spreads in your circle like wildfire. The stress on the person keeping that information a secret was immense.

Also, just to add - resitting a couple of exams isn’t the end of the world. If that’s what’s needed to help your daughter succeed ultimately.

I lost a grandparent whilst I was taking my exams. I knew it was a possibility, he had complications following a surgery and had been in the hospital for several weeks. I got top grades in those exams as predicted. Don't lie to your daughter about this, she'll feel incredibly betrayed when she finds out.

If her grandmother does die very close to the time of her exams, please discuss with the school whether she will be eligible for special consideration (or whatever the equivalent is where you are) so that if it does impact her results this is taken into account.

I think you have blown this way out of proportion. Your dd isn’t close enough to your mum that she would know if she had passed or not so they are clearly not in regular contact. The deceit of you hiding this from her and arranging and going to her funeral sneakily would hit her much harder. Death is a part of life and we can’t shield our kids from everything.

Exams are over a number of weeks, would you really not tell her for so long? Funeral can take place on non exam day. If exams were just a week you could just about get away with it I suppose.

As others have said, start preparing her now.

You need to let your daughter decide. It's obviously a very difficult time when you know someone is approaching the end of their life but trying to protect someone from it can back fire horribly.

From experience I was banished from my granddad's funeral and even though i was only 7 at the time I knew he was poorly and resented my grandma for years for making that decision.

I definitely don't think you should do this op.

No, but you can arrange the funeral so that it doesn't clash with an exam.

You can also usually live-stream and watch that way.

I'm sorry about your mum and that you're in this situation, it must feel incredibly difficult for you. The timeline with situations like this is unpredictable, so the issue with exams may not even arise, but it doesn't hurt to have a plan or thought process in place in case you need it.

Talk to school - they will have supported children through this situation before and will be able to recommend best course of action and how to support your DD effectively. Presumably, she already knows her grandmother is unwell?

Be aware that children/teenagers (and adults) can sense when things are being kept from them and this may well play into any underlying worry or anxiety (e.g. exam stress), so attempting to "shield" her from this could actually backfire.

Additionally, in terms of both your relationship (i.e. DD being able to trust that you'll be open with her - some children would never forgive such a thing being kept from them) and in terms of being able to grieve healthily (and together as a family on the same timeline), I think it's important that your DD is told what's happening (and she should also be given the opportunity to attend the funeral - you could schedule it for a non exam day or weekend).

This.

OP you seem determined to prevent her from attending the funeral. If my mum hid my DGM death and made me miss her funeral I would never forgive her.

She won’t notice in terms of not seeing her

If she won’t notice a GP has died then I think she’d be ok to tell. My DD lost her GP couple of weeks ago but because there is a distance between them it’s made the grieving process easier for her. This happened during her mocks and she still did well.

Exams are a set date. You miss that date you have to wait for the next exam date, which is November. This would affect the 2 year course she is going to start in September.

Exactly this.

My parents did this to me when I was at school. A friend from my junior school passed away and my DM chose not to tell me because of exams. I definitely lost a lot of trust in her, I was devastated when she told me. And I’d missed the funeral.

I’d probably avoid doing this myself, just because I know how much it affected me, and 20 something years later I still can’t believe my DM thought it was a good idea.

No come on, please don’t use the word vile. I’m just a mum in the midst of a very stressful situation trying to do my best by everyone. I’m looking for advice not insults.

Thankyou everyone for the great advice. It’s pretty unanimous that telling her is the best way to handle it.

You are projecting, @Lucielue79
Give your daughter the facts, and some credit that she is mature enough to cope.