Advice on moving away to Cornwall with kids when their mum lives in Manchester.

[LewisS087]

Hi, I realise I will likely need some professional advice on this matter but I'm hoping anyone who may have been through similar can advice me on this for now

I have two children 5 & 8 who are I'm my care almost full time, the children's mum is supposed to see them every second Saturday and Sunday and then every Wednesday, she is not good at sticking to this and this year she has only seen the kids 7 days since January, she has not seen them at all this month (her choice) and is leaving for Spain soon and won't be back until April so it will likely be mid to late April before she visits them again.

Me and my kids live together in Manchester with my partner and her daughter, eveyone gets on well and we are all very happy, my partners parents live in Cornwall, they are lovely people and treat my children like they are their grandchildren, they really love them, a few months ago my parents decided they wanted to finally move to Cornwall and have started the ball rolling on that.

Me and my partner have spoken about moving to Cornwall, her dad has offered me a job in his company and partners grandparents are very seriously considering selling their house to move in to a little elderly support cottage type place. We would love to buy the house and accept the job offer.

I have spoken to the children's mum on the phone about this and she's hit the roof saying that over her dead body will another women take her kids away, now the issue is that the children's mum really isn't much interested in them, doesn't pay a penny towards them, never bought them a single thing, rarley turns up to visit them, she goes months without as much as a phone call for them, both children are pretty detached from her, i put them in therapy last year for a little bit as I was worried but there's not much else I can do as their mum isn't willing to regularly and consistently see them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved away with kids? Is it allowed or would a court put a stop to it? I am In no way trying to distant them from their mother I just want to move and make a better life for us all, but I hate being forced to stay in Manchester just so she can decide to visit her kids one every few months.

I would be willing to drive to Manchester one weekend every month so that she can see them and would happily transport back and forth during holidays, but currently she lives 5 minutes away and doesn't even see them every weekend.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

And you think that moving to Corneall isn’t going to mean she sees them even less?

My thoughts exactly.

It's perfectly possible that the child is almost 6 and he's been with his partner almost five years and there are a few months adrift either way. People don't need to nail their dates down to the minute, you know. A rough idea is all we need.

7 days isn't a tiny amount over 2 months, it's definitely enough for a meaningful relationship.
Ultimately it will be the courts decision, which I doubt they would agree to, unless you can afford regular flights up I can't see it working. Its too far to be taking them in the car every few weeks.
Taking them away and just stopping contact isn't even an option morally, your children would likely hugely resent you as they got older even if it was approved.

Lol. I once took the megabus from Manchester to Cornwall. Now that was a never again experience! 😅

A court cannot stop you (even moving to autralia) providing that you make reasonable arrangements for children to see other parent sounds like mum will see them more if u facilitate contact and you move

Both parents need to agree school moves so yes they can and can abroad certainly

it becomes a game of how much is she going to pushback

but the really dangerous bit here that @LewisS087 really needs to think through is what happens if simply says ok. The kids grow up with her not there and whether they will blame you for not facilitating

@LewisS087. If you click the book mark then it will take you to where you were next time you post.

I would tell your x you are moving and then leave it to her to arrange to stop it via the court. As she is not paying anything for them nor have a lot of interest I doubt she will do anything. It sounds like a good opportunity for your family.

If she does try to stop you I would 100% claim child maintenance

Take legal advice.

I think you should do it. There are many positives for everyone and Cornwall would be a great place to raise children

If you do not have a court order for contact I would not seek legal advice. I would just do what is best for your family. Your ex will have to go to court if she wants to try to stop you moving and she doesn't sound like she cares enough to bother. I wouldn't share too many details either it will only give her the time or opportunity to cause trouble.

The other benefit for her is that she can then claim to be mother of the year and you "stole" her children which is a much better look for her than I'm selfish and don't give a shit about my children's well being.

I have always understood that children having a right to a relationship with both parents was intended to stop the resident parent using the children as a pawn in the case of an acrimonious relationship breakdown rather than the resident parent putting their life on hold and bending over backwards to facilitate 5 mins of contact whenever the NRP can be arsed.

Your children deserve better than knowing their mum is just 5 minutes away and she's not interested enough to call them nevermind see them very often. Do what you think is best for them in the long term. Your ex puts herself first so don't feel bad about putting yourself and your children first.

If there isn’t a court order then theoretically you can move to China and she couldn’t stop you, she’d have to drag you through court herself to attempt to see the kids but seeing as they’d probably suggest she would owe maintenance to you, and she can’t be bothered to pop 5 minutes round the corner to see them now, she’s not going to do any of that is she. Because then she’d be court ordered to actually be a mother and turn up regularly to see them, and build a relationship and contribute to support her kids. So crack on and keep putting your kids first I say.

I know a family who did pretty much this move I the opposite direction. The parent that was "left behind" became far more reliable when their access was limited to school holidays. Maybe this is an option to consider.

It is school - both the school they are leaving and joining should require both parents to give consent to it and not move without it

and if they do that is v poor practice

and he is risking parental alienation

I'm not sure of the legals, sorry. But she sounds like a shitty mum and your kids are likely better off without her. I don't agree that it's always best for children to maintain a relationship with their bio parents - that VERY much depends on who their bio parent is. In any case, you have said you are willing to travel back once a month, she's not even seeing them once a month as it is, so I don't see the problem. What IS important here for your kids is the adults who DO actually support your kids - so yourself, your partner, your parents, your partner's parents. That is what your children need. Not some loser 'mother' who fucks off to Spain whenever she likes and doesn't bother with her kids. That inconsistency must be so hurtful and damaging to them.

I would go for it but proactively get the court order first. The advice to just do it and hope for the best is mad.
There is absolutely no sense in closing a business and selling a house and moving with the risk hanging over you all that you could be stopped in court. I think it would also look for favorably on you and the plan if you do this in a planned and well managed way.

So apply for the order and then plan the move.

Clearly evidence how you will maintain the relationship with mum and what the benefits are to your children and no-one else.

Personally if you do this the right way, I think you’d stand a good chance of getting permission to move.

There are lots of single parents around, with young children, who work or run their own businesses, even if you don’t. You must know this.

So your real issue, which actually boggles your mind, is that he got into a new relationship around a year after the first one officially ended. Is that really so shocking and hard for you to process?!

I moved 4 hours drive away from my children’s father to start a new life and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I did have his blessing (took any pressure off him to be any sort of dad) and it was in the basis that he would make effort still to visit, call, FaceTime etc. an end of the bargain he did not hold up sadly.

I do feel the move saved my children a lot of heartache. Being right beside their father and him not being interested was very damaging. The physical distance has meant they’ve grown up not particularly caring and not hating/resenting him for it. They still see him when they spend time with their grandparents, as they like to still be involved and do a lot to facilitate their own relationship with my DC.

If this mum is happy to already go months without seeing her children I believe you should have the fresh start you all deserve. It’s not the nicest answer, but Cornwall is beautiful and children should be where the love is. Your ex can make every effort to involve herself with regular video calls and be as involved as parenting from a distance as she likes. The question remains, will she even put that effort in?

A lot of people are saying things like "if this were a woman MN would be more supportive". Actually I think the OP has been given plenty of encouragement here and if he were a woman more people would be cautioning against giving up a successful business to move hundreds of miles for a man and rely on a job from their FIL in a location known to be short on job opportunities.

I understand why you would want to go, but she will claim to everyone (including your children) that you have taken them away and won't let her see them etc.. monthly drives from Cornwall to Manchester probably won't happen let's be honest.

But u think having a mum who you never see 6/7 hours away would be less painful than having a mum you never see who lives 5 minutes up the road.

I’d get the ball rolling. If she doesn’t like it, then tell her to take you to court over it. Sounds like she wouldn’t be arsed based on her current behaviour to spend money on mediation/court. Worst case scenario, she does take you to court and you have to return to Manchester but I’d take the risk

Click on quote below the post you're replying to. As someone who had a similar mum I'd say see a solicitor and if they think you'd be able to do it go for it. It's a lot easier to make excuses for the shitty parent not seeing you when they don't just live around the corner. It was actually my mum who moved, best thing she ever did for us was go from rarely appearing in our lives to totally gone. Not saying it didn't hurt and it wasn't really hard at the time, but it drew a line under things and it was better then always wondering when or if she'd turn up next or why one of us got a birthday gift and the other didn't, or why she randomly gave something to two of us and left the other out. If you'd posted this about an abusive absent father I expect you'd be getting encouraged to do it. Mums aren't sacred and sometimes children are better off safely away from theirs and the emotional truama they've caused. If she actually wanted a relationship with her children she'd have one.