Advice on moving away to Cornwall with kids when their mum lives in Manchester.

[LewisS087]

Hi, I realise I will likely need some professional advice on this matter but I'm hoping anyone who may have been through similar can advice me on this for now

I have two children 5 & 8 who are I'm my care almost full time, the children's mum is supposed to see them every second Saturday and Sunday and then every Wednesday, she is not good at sticking to this and this year she has only seen the kids 7 days since January, she has not seen them at all this month (her choice) and is leaving for Spain soon and won't be back until April so it will likely be mid to late April before she visits them again.

Me and my kids live together in Manchester with my partner and her daughter, eveyone gets on well and we are all very happy, my partners parents live in Cornwall, they are lovely people and treat my children like they are their grandchildren, they really love them, a few months ago my parents decided they wanted to finally move to Cornwall and have started the ball rolling on that.

Me and my partner have spoken about moving to Cornwall, her dad has offered me a job in his company and partners grandparents are very seriously considering selling their house to move in to a little elderly support cottage type place. We would love to buy the house and accept the job offer.

I have spoken to the children's mum on the phone about this and she's hit the roof saying that over her dead body will another women take her kids away, now the issue is that the children's mum really isn't much interested in them, doesn't pay a penny towards them, never bought them a single thing, rarley turns up to visit them, she goes months without as much as a phone call for them, both children are pretty detached from her, i put them in therapy last year for a little bit as I was worried but there's not much else I can do as their mum isn't willing to regularly and consistently see them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved away with kids? Is it allowed or would a court put a stop to it? I am In no way trying to distant them from their mother I just want to move and make a better life for us all, but I hate being forced to stay in Manchester just so she can decide to visit her kids one every few months.

I would be willing to drive to Manchester one weekend every month so that she can see them and would happily transport back and forth during holidays, but currently she lives 5 minutes away and doesn't even see them every weekend.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

Depending on where it is in Cornwall, it could only be a 5hr drive or a 1hr flight. It's not that far. Whether the mother would actually make the effort is another question... I think there's some double standards on here - if it was a woman posting about a deadbeat dad I feel the responses would be much more supportive! Do what's best for you all as a family and live your best life.

I agree.

My daughters father left when she was 1. He's truly awful, and over the years he has let her down too many times to count, while I picked up the pieces.

I thought I was doing the right thing by not stopping her from seeing him. Everyone said it should be her choice, and that she would resent me for stopping her seeing her dad.

She's 16 now, and has decided stop seeing him for what I think is the final time now. It's been heartbreaking to see her so hurt over and over, and if I had my time over again, I would have stopped her from seeing him from the beginning. I would rather she did blame me for stopping her seeing him, than go through all the crap he has put her through during her childhood.

Go to Cornwall @LewisS087, and have a wonderful life with your kids.

Could you pay train fares and car hire and hotel for her to come down to see them eg 1 weekend a month

You’re their dad and primary caregiver so I will assume that you know what’s best for them. If I were you, I would just take them and see what your ex does. My guess is she will complain about the move but ultimately do nothing. If she took you to court she would be risking having to pay CM and it doesn’t sound like she would want to do that.

I'd take the questions to a solicitor and take it to court if need be. She lives 5 minutes away and rarely sees them, you are willing to take them back for visits.
Sounds like a it would be better for you (job and good relationship) and for the kids (not sitting waiting for non existent pick ups)
Do it legally and keep records of when she sees them and when she doesn't turn up.
Lots of people think just because you are the Dad that she gets to dictate even though she doesn't step up as a parent. Not all women are cut out to be mothers.

Do the cornish not use trains?

This, and if this was a woman posting about a non- committal dad the response would be to move asap to Cornwall and enjoy your life together.

Legally the onus falls to your former partner to make an application to court to prevent you from relocating. If you offer reasonable contact to her, that reflects the current status quo, it is difficult to see how this move could be an issue. You could offer to pay for her to stay nearby for weekends and share holidays, etc. The impact of the move for your children in terms of change of schools, friendships, seeing other family members is more significant and how they feel themselves about a move is really key. Good luck!

No it wouldn’t it would be to seek legal advice and ensure everything is set up properly for everyone with it all documented and try for the children to maintain whatever relationship with the mother they can

Do it, it sounds great for you all.

Don’t stop your happiness with your children for a mum who is inconsistent and clearly doesn’t put children first! If this was a reverse MN would be saying well the father can get the train to cornwall!

OP make the move if it’s going to provide your children with a better life!

Of course they do, if near a station that actually runs a useable service. But I was responding to comments about roads...

Yanbu in my opinion I think it sounds perfect and right for your kids. Go to court to get it settled and enjoy your life in Cornwall! You sound like you have been and are being more than fair!

The comments about roads implied they were the only way to travel to cornwall

Except for all the comments about flying of course....

Editing to say I’d misread and thought you were DM for a minute but my sentiments are the same.

In a couple of short years you’ll have multiple, possibly chronically bored, teenagers. In Cornwall. Are they especially outdoorsy beyond usual kid “ooh a beach!”?

Until they can drive and assuming you can afford cars for them, they’ll be reliant on lifts. Everywhere.

If they want to go to uni, they’ll likely all need to move for it.

There’s unlikely to be any work nearby that suits all of them.

You’re a hairs breadth from the first full winter and “the internet here is rubbish”, “there’s nothing to do”. How will you react if one or more DC want to go back and live with your ex?

If you’re central Manchester then yes I can see why Cornwall is some kind of romantic pipe dream. All the lovely holidays in the world don’t prepare you for the reality of living rural and your job being at the whim of your partners parent though. Would you be selling a home you currently own to make this move?

Legally the onus falls to your former partner to make an application to court to prevent you from relocating

The reverse is true. Parents with PR cannot make unilateral decisions regarding changes of school and name changes. Since this would involve a change of school the Op has to seek consent from the other parent. If they move when they are aware that consent was not provided a judge could reverse the move.

Op, go about the move legally. Apply for a specific issues order to relocate. Cafcass will be involved to assess the impact on the children and if on balance they find that it's reasonable to move, a judge is likely to agree.

Get started asap as courts move very, very slowly and you are unlikely to get a hearing for sometime.

Take them. She can take you to court if she wants to stop you but it doesn’t sound as if she will actually bother.

A lot of families do live in Cornwall you know.. it’s a real place not “just a pipe dream”. My teens love their life here, all have part-time jobs and ride bikes/use public transport as well as getting lifts.. we don’t all live in tiny hamlets in the middle of nowhere you know, there are towns too 😂

The train from Cornwall to Manchester takes about 8 hours and has two changes - I know, I did it once (and never again!)

Don’t blame you in the least for wanting to go, and to give DC a Cornish childhood.

BUT: it’s a very long way away. That drive will ruin you - it’s far, exhausting and the DC will be shattered. A nightmare in summer.

There are very few jobs for teens/young people - they’ll move away or if not GPs/headteachers may struggle to find well paid work in 15 years time.

Also - if their Mother is as useless as you say, they may not blame her when they grow up. To preserve their self esteem they may blame you for moving them away and say it was your fault they have no relationship. That sort of deflection isn’t uncommon. Are you prepared to be blamed by the DC when they’re grown up?

There are lots of lovely places an hour outside Manchester. Look at those, maybe even in the direction of Cornwall. But I’d really think long and hard before removing so far from their DM and school friends - however crap she may sadly be. Those poor kids.

I wish you all the very best.

How selfish can anyone be to not want to see their children...Is she not aware of the damage it can do..
What about her parents?

She says there is no way another woman is moving my kids away from me or words to that affect.

Did you leave her for another woman, were you having an affair.
Her anger suggests there is more to this than meets the eye...

I can’t imagine not seeing my children or not being bothered. If she can afford to swan off to Spain she can afford a flight to Cornwall.

You absolutely should move. 100%.

Well aware but it’s a different kettle of fish moving kids who have only ever lived in a city. Sure, they could thrive. Or they could absolutely despise it when they realise it’s not just for a fortnight this time. (Specifically the older one I’m thinking of as by the time any move happens, they’ll be on the cusp of or already at secondary school).
OP sounds starry eyed about it but it’s moving the DC from their childhood home, schools, friends, maternal family, paternal family (talking about going into sheltered accommodation etc). DM might not be much good but there is more to a home than that.
Is OPs partner also going to work in the family business? That’s a very big change - 6 hours across the country, complete change of environment, DDad remarries, both DDad and SM working in a new company. If this was a woman people would be cautioning against throwing everything in with their partner and leaving themselves vulnerable to changes of mind etc.
It’s also worth saying that if they make this move and one or both of them sell a home to do it, it might be impossible to move back, so it has to be viewed as permanent. And all the implications work, finance, emotional and personal, thought about fully.

I think you are kidding yourself. It is far too far to drive there and back one weekend a month. The relationship with their mother will become more distant and will dwindle away.

I haven’t RTWT so you may already know this, but you can fly from Newquay to Manchester year round, which would obviously be more convenient than driving all that way.