SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

[CrookShanx]

I have three SDs, great kids, no issues with them. All primary age.

We have them every other weekend and in the holidays. DP pays CMS and for half extra costs like uniforms or trips, he’s not a high earner. We buy all they need for our house.

They arrive on Fridays in uniform which gets washed and sent back with the underwear or coat they were wearing. They go to mum’s on Sundays in our clothes. They’re supposed to return these clothes next time, but this happens maybe 50% of the time and what comes back is often stained, ripped or just never returns.

I spent £500 at Christmas on new clothes for them all (high street, not designer so this was about five outfits each plus coats, shoes and underwear) and they’ve got barely anything left here. To the extent that last weekend I had to go and buy pants despite buying them each ten pairs at Christmas.

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

I feel really sorry for those kids. Maintenance payments don't add up to much and it seems their mum is struggling a bit. They will be very aware of the awful clothes she puts them in. Can she not send them with an extra bag to school with the decent clothes in or can your DH pick some up from her house on the way to pick them up at school?
He should be paying for their clothes, not you, even if you actually choose them and he reimburses you.
Otherwise yes I would be keeping the good clothes at your house so they have something to wear when they come to you.

Just untangle yourself from this. If they come in awful clothes then unfortunately they just have to wear it. At some point it’s going to click with the kids that they need to bring them back. Why are you spending your money on their clothes? Leave it for their dad to sort out.

We don't split finance in our house so it wouldn't be my husband paying because he went shopping. We would pay. A lot of couples' finance isn't yours/mine.

Why can't you ask mum to hand over a bag of their nice clothes when you drop them back so you have some ready for next week end? Tell her you're all out and thyeyll be in uniforms all of next weekend unless she gives some back. If she doesn't then tell children to go in and get some and you'll wait outside. Dad needs to lead on this

@CrookShanx what a rubbish situation for you and mainly for the kids

Whatever her issues, she shouldn’t do this to the kids, it’s just so petty and mean, I agree with you about not sending them back in uniform xx

No, second hand period pants are a bridge too far, but I still think you need to examine how much your DP is contributing to their upkeep against what you are expecting her to provide with that money.

Kids grow quickly. It is reasonable for both of the parents to be contributing to new shoes etc, but if DP is not a high earner, he is probably not paying that much in maintenance and what he is providing will be soon spent on food, utilities, petrol, clubs, playdates, hobbies, birthday parties with friends (which for 3 kids will not be stretching very far!).

Presumably the kids are arriving with some sort of overnight bag each weekend? Maybe ask mum to pack a spare set of clothes each weekend for the next few weeks so you slowly build up a supply of extra things.

It isn't reasonable to expect kids to keep all their favourite things at your house when they are only there 4 nights a month.

@InvisibilityCloakActivated I'm mum in this situation and I can't stand my ex but I always try and dress our son in the clothes that came from dads house on days that he has him as he obviously likes those clothes (and I don't want to lose the clothes that I chose!)

Yeah we just share. My kids are here more so they cost more but he pays maintenance and everything so I think it’s usually about even

@InvisibilityCloakActivated when dad has said he's running out of clothes at his I've also grabbed a bagful to give him at next handover, it's not that deep, I'm not petty

Keep most of the clothes you have bought at yours. Buy one set of cheap, comfy clothes for each child and designate those 'travel clothes'. Get into a routine where each child has a bag with only those clothes in it and is wearing school uniform or vice versa depending on direction of travel. Get the children on board with making this work.

This is very true - being a single parent to 3 kids with only 4 days off a month is A LOT.

OP - it’s sounds like it’s just you and your DH? You have very different circumstances and amount of free time.

Full time childcare for three kids is ££££s, so unless your partner is paying about £5k a monthin CMS, then he’s getting a good deal on the childcare.

also OP- what’s your standards for a decent outfit? We’re all different. I have a friend whose kids run around in old, small clothes, but they’re happy. She just doesn’t care about that stuff. Kids are very hard on clothes too, so many parents let them wear clothes with holes.

and even if she is doing it out of spite, perhaps she has a lot of resentment? You say your DP isn’t a high earner, so am guessing he isn’t paying loads to her? I’d be pissed off because no way is he doing his fair share. Imagine how much he’d have to pay up for half a nanny for the kids? £500 worth of clothes is a drop in the ocean.

Am not criticising you, OP. And SC’s mum may be doing it on purpose, but if you put yourself in her shoes, it may help find a solution to the problem.

Just seen it now. Yes, that's gross and totally unacceptable, but that is a separate issue to the mum "keeping and ruining" the clothes OP is buying.

to be honest we pay for all clubs and birthday parties and petrol and stuff like that, his ex doesn’t work and is on UC because she has younger kids too. Not to be a benefits badger but she has enough for lots of holidays and designer dogs and stuff. She just doesn’t give a shit about their clothes

Time for their dad to compromise his job and be a proper parent, for now send back directly to school on a Monday morning, he will have to reduce hours/swap shifts. Then take it to court, what else is being neglected while his children spend their life in stained rags?

millions of parents, mostly women compromise their job and income for their dc, it’s time for him to step up and do the same. He needs to be seeing his dc far more than 4 days a month in these circumstances.

Benefits badger omg 😂*basher

If she doesn't give a shit why do you? You can't change mum anyway.

Had this problem with teenaged DS. I now rotate a couple of very basic primark/george outfits EOW and all of his branded clothes stay here as I’m sick of never seeing them again.

Totally understand your frustration OP. But as an aside, fuck me it’s heartbreaking to read a thread all about kids being changed into cheap pyjamas, school uniform or crap clothes to be dispatched from one parent to another on a Sunday evening 😢

Also, as a child I did EOW at my dads and didn’t keep any clothes there at all - just took a weekend bag. I know it’s nice to make both parents houses feel like home but for four days a month it’s not realistic and surely just leads to these issues. Is it not normal just to take a weekend bag?

So, solutions. I get that you can't be constantly buying new outfits for three kids. Keeping the clothes you bought them at your house and sending them home in their uniforms might just have to do. People have hinted that the kids might be upset about this but are they?

Also, it sounds like there's underlying resentment here. If that's at root of this clothes problem, that could possibly be improved on? A few thoughts, which may or may not apply:

If their mother is resentful, does she have any reason for resentment?

Do you think the tense connection here would ease up if your husband handled his ex-wife (If you usually do it now)? Is the friction because you, the new wife, are involved?

Or is it a control/"whose kids are they" thing? People are funny about their kids. Any ideas there? Like, is it possible the mother doesn't like you purchasing her kids' clothes and might be more cooperative if she was somehow included in that more or consulted?

Is it possible she's struggling financially more than you two and resents that?

Anything that could be worked with there to try for better relations? Possibly even considering a few counseling sessions with all four adults, to try to get to a nicer place, since that would benefit everyone involved?

I know this isn't the same but I had a problem SIL and her husband liked to drop his kid off with me (different story there lol). She'd call and be nasty about various things. It was easier for me to handle because I didn't really care about their problems anyway but just kinda to see what would happen, I called her and asked if it was okay if I painted her young daughter's fingernails. Another time, I called to ask if her daughter could have a certain pain reliever when she didn't feel good. After that, she was really sweet to me lol. I think she didn't want the divorce and just resented having her kids taken out of her control, which, as a mother (and as someone who didn't care about their marriage anyway) I understand. Just a thought, if it helps.

Good luck with it.

Maybe the OP's husband would be more inclined to do something about it, if he had to cover it all himself.
I think I would feel resentful that I was paying more for step kids clothes than for my own kids' even though I only saw step kids 4 days a month, given that money's gone out of my/ our family pot on maintenance already.
But if they can afford it there's no issue really.

Please don't send them back in school uniform. Imagine how the children would feel? It's a bit degrading for them.

Could you put them into PJ's and then you can tell them your helping mum out by getting them ready for bed. Perhaps do bath and PJs and then you can put everything in the wash ready for when they come next time.

We wouldn't pay for clothes for every visit. Simple as that.

I was going to say the same thing. Financially whether you keep your dcs overnight on Sunday or not I’m figuring it’s not going to make a big difference as it sounds as if you feed them then drop them. So I’d just agree to drop them at their mum’s on Monday morning before work and not declare the additional night.

This. I don't know what the answer is but don't do this.