SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

[CrookShanx]

I have three SDs, great kids, no issues with them. All primary age.

We have them every other weekend and in the holidays. DP pays CMS and for half extra costs like uniforms or trips, he’s not a high earner. We buy all they need for our house.

They arrive on Fridays in uniform which gets washed and sent back with the underwear or coat they were wearing. They go to mum’s on Sundays in our clothes. They’re supposed to return these clothes next time, but this happens maybe 50% of the time and what comes back is often stained, ripped or just never returns.

I spent £500 at Christmas on new clothes for them all (high street, not designer so this was about five outfits each plus coats, shoes and underwear) and they’ve got barely anything left here. To the extent that last weekend I had to go and buy pants despite buying them each ten pairs at Christmas.

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

It seems that your SC spend the majority of their time with their mum, if you have them only every other weekend (and hols, but most of the time isn't hols), so it makes sense that most of their clothes will be at their main house.

It's not much fun having nice clothes if you can only wear them four days of the month. Of course the kids take their nice clothes to their house.

Maybe the answer is for most of their clothes to live at their house and for the kids to pack clothes to bring for weekends away at yours. I know you wanted to avoid just that, but it's not working. And at least that way, the kids get to be better dressed for much more of the time, which is much nicer for them, and avoids all this "Get changed and give me what you're wearing" stuff or sending them back in uniform. If you just accept that the clothes belong to the kids and should be wherever the kids are, and accept that the kids will have to pack for weekends away, then they will never know there's a clothes issue, which is the ideal.

Their mum should drop their weekend bags off at yours so they don't have to take them to school. Or your husband will have to go and get them.

Do not send them back in uniform. It's humiliating for them. I had this exact issue with my ex and in court he argued like a baby and I just gave in and suggested they come home at 7pm Sunday eve and be bathed and put in PJs and I would supply those pj's on the Friday in their school bags.
Tell her to pack some for them on a Friday if she refuses at least pyjamas aren't as expensive as clothes and hopefully she will pack your ones back for you.

In uniform, they’re going straight to their mums. They’ll cope. I wouldn’t be washing it either, she can do that Sunday night, like millions of other people do.

I have two kids who live with me full time and we used to have his 50/50 so I know how expensive they are and how they can ruin clothes. She’s not a single parent, she has a boyfriend who she lives with and they have two more kids.

I think it is just different values and she has no problem with them being in old and ruined clothes. So when SC shows up in new clothes she just keeps them because she hates DP so it’s how to get one over on him. And SC want to wear the new clothes because they’re way better than the other options

Can you change contact so that you drop back to school on Monday morning?

That would mean that you picked up and dropped off in school clothes, leaving home clothes at the right house.

The expensive bit of raising children isn't their clothes - its having to balance your life round their needs with either childcare or reduced working hours.

Their mum has all of the cost of this except for the two school pickups a month that your DH does, so changing to a school dropoff on a monday morning would double the amount that your DH is supporting with these costs to four a month.

It's also worth you thinking about why the clothes at mum's house are in worse condition than the ones at yours. My ex moans about this too, but hasn't worked out that its because they wear the clothes at my house 24 days out of 28 and the clothes at his house 4 days out of 28.

Don’t think that’d work as she won’t pack bags for them and they’re not old enough to do it properly. And for stuff like raincoats or wellies. And this might be snobby but sometimes the girls “style” can be a bit lacking and I don’t want to go out with an eight year old in PVC leggings and a lace crop top 🫠

Jeez some of these responses i can’t even read the thread. Op addressing your post …not your DH custody/ parenting agreement or suggesting a change to this plan… I too had this problem Dc 5/7 when divorced and ex made 5 (yes 5) times my income. Never sent anything back and if he did I didn’t recognize the clothes…just like you too small torn etc. I disagree about the uniforms…I absolutely would send them back in those irregardless of what we did that day. Are you dropping them at the mums door? Then no pronlem…wash dried put on dropped off and uniforms off again. Tell the dc it has to be this way becuse clothes go but never come back. Divorce is shit for kids but clothing is not a hill to die on. You and DH make the decisions… put them in uniform and that’s it until they can manage their own clothes. This time will come even sooner for them living between 2 homes and keeping track of your stuff is a good life skill. They won’t be marred by this and mum will not change. She’s either oblivious to clothes or has a heaping mountain of dirty at home or she’s doing it intentionally. Stop spending money on the clothes…primary/ vinted/ asada not free and where are those clothes going??? Same place as the nicer ones. Next up for you…sports kit not making it back and discovering this as you are leaving house for sport or “somebody” stealing their clothes. My dd had multiple things go missing and was blamed for their loss when they were stolen including a pearl ring. Uniforms op uniforms

I completely agree.

Can your other half go to court for 50/50? If a 7 year old is wearing the same dirty top for 12 days, they are in period stained pants, shoes too tight or way too big I'd be concerned about other areas of neglect and how they are living the remainder of each fortnight. They will act in the best interest of the children, sounds like mum is struggling at home for whatever reason but it's not fair that the kids are suffering

I don’t think there is any one solution that will solve it instantly. I would look at having some outfits at yours for changing into on Friday after school and for Saturday. For Sunday I would pick up some inexpensive leggings or jeans and a basic sweater. They put on decent top/coat/trainers and when you get back to the car you change them for the basics. Nickers and socks not so easy but can be bought cheaper. Maybe buy all the kids tops with some level of personalisation for Sunday trips so you have an excuse to say they must stay with you.

I disagree. I don't think it's confusing at all, even a 4 year old can understand 'just popping this on for the way home and you'll get changed there'. Then more information added as they get older. That's what we had to do and the SC weren't affected by it at all at the time, and as they got older they thought their Mum was being ridiculous. Expensive coats and outfits we bought were all kept if we sent them home in them, so we had to end up sending them home in uniform. Anything sent by her got returned. She absolutely flipped her lid one time we missed putting a pair of trousers in ironically - which ex-dh dutifully still dropped off later that evening.

Doesn't matter if ex thinks it's petty, she can quite easily send a spare set from her house that's returned each week. OP is not the one keeping clothes. It really does add up cost wise.

Poor kids. Their mum sounds neglectful.

What time do you take them home on a Sunday? We solved this issue by bathing the kids and putting in PJ’s before taking home after tea.

Honestly, don't make this a big deal! Of course it's a pain but what can you do?
I used to buy big bundles of second hand clothes (maybe vinted), charity shops, eBay etc etc. Dress them in then. Problem solved.

Poor kids.

Have I missed how old these children are, who are old enough to care about their “nice” clothes, old enough to think through wearing their best clothes on a Sunday so as to have them at Mum’s, and argue back when told not to, but not old enough to pack a bag?

My ex said that my sons clothes always got lost at mine which as I didnt have any other children at the time seems a little strange.

He used to change on a Sunday evening before he went home - which in the long term probably worked in my favour as he realised his mother had 'issues'

I would suggest recording what they are wearing though as it sounds like there may be neglect issues

Why can't you ask mum to hand over a bag of their nice clothes when you drop them back so you have some ready for next week end? Tell her you're all out and thyeyll be in uniforms all of next weekend unless she gives some back. If she doesn't then tell children to go in and get some and you'll wait outside. Dad needs to lead on this

^ This. If it doesn't work I would honestly send them back in their (clean) uniforms. Presumably at least one of them is old enough to understand that you can't just keep buying more clothes. Give them the choice, either between them they make sure they bring clothes to wear (or as above sort it the week before) or they have to wear their uniforms. I'd ignore any sulkiness over it, they should be bloody grateful that their stepmother buys them so many nice clothes.

What are the kids supposed to wear at their Dad’s home when all their clothes are at their Mum’s because she can’t be bothered to return them?
Giving a child (who doesn’t have periods yet) period stained too small knickers isn’t acceptable.

You can get leggings for about £3 in primark and t-shirts for £1. Cheap knickers and socks from Shein. They can wear nice clothes during the day but make them change into cheap clothes to go home. Even if you are out they can do it in the loo or car. People are offering solutions but you don’t seem to be listening.

Send them back in uniform..my ss's mum used to

Yes I think you've now had every solution offered to you.

The choice is carry on as you are, or pick which solution you are prepared to try.

I'd buy decent hoodies, coats and trainers etc but keep a basic one in the car with some croc type clogs and send them back in their mum's with those.
Then I'd buy multi pack George @ ASDA basics for the rest of it - then they can jazz up their basic t shirt and leggings combo with nice jacket and trainers

This is such a common problem. My ex and I coparent well and even we used to fall out about it.

I honestly think you need to reframe it that the clothes are the kids clothes and get them to take as much responsibility for their stuff as possible, which definitely gets easier as they get older.

So they have a certain amount of nice stuff that you get them for Christmas or whatever, but once that disappears to mom's, buy some charity shop joggers/leggings/t-shirts of the type you get 5 for a pound - clean and not torn, but not especially stylish - and the kids have to wear them until their other stuff comes back.

I honestly don't think even primary age is too young to get kids to take responsibility for their clothes - in fact we do our kids a service when we make them more responsible. In my opinion,

(Sorry if that sounds Victorian and harsh - in most ways I am a big softy, but this is what I have learned as a parent, and I now have an impressive mature and sensible as well as fun daughter).