To not want to be DP’s tenant?

[barhumbug]

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

He doesn’t want you to pay a penny so that you hold no claim over the house if you split. Doesn’t exactly scream commitment to me.

If the roles were reversed, what would you do?

There is an imbalance of power. Because he owns the property. That you may be living in.

Have you said this to him?

No.its not fair. He can ring fence his contribution, you aren't married so would have no claim to half the house but you should be able to get a share if the increase in value, if you're paying towards it.

Otherwise don't pay rent and keep saving.

Also.you wouldn't be a tenant, you'd be a lodger with no rights whatsoever

But you don't have the money to be an equal partner so I don't really understand what you are suggesting? If I was him I would be doing exactly the same.

I don't think it's reasonable for you to expect to be "equal partners" when he's bringing so much more in than you.

I don't see why you couldn't buy as tenants in common,with your DP owning the portion of the house that relates to the deposit amount he puts in alone (basically the value of the existing house) with the remainder of the house being paid for by a mortgage in your joint names. So, for example if the existing house is worth £300k and the new house will be £500k then he would own 80% (his £300k plus £100k as half the mortgage) of the property and you would own 20% (£100k as half the mortgage.) Mortgage to be paid equally.

It's not reasonable for you to expect half the value of the property that he's already bought.

I wouldn't do this. Why can't you buy together as tenants in common, to the percentage you contribute? Sounds to me he wants the option of being able to kick you out if the relationship fails, rather than have to sell the house.

I can see both sides. And as someone who owned her own property and lost it because I wasn't as wise as your partner is being, I can totally see why he is wanting it this way. You have also had a massive leg up, as you acknowledge, in clearing your debts and getting to a better financial position because of him.

I would also advise my children to do as he is doing (and have done, due to my experience).

If I were you, I'd try and buy my own place, however small, so that you always have it to fall back on, and feel like you own something. You can rent it out and pay that to him, if it balances things better for you.

I understand this initially as it was entirely his house when I moved it and at that early stage it wasn’t reasonable for me to expect him to part with a % of his house if we split. So keeping me out of the finances completely made sense. I wouldn’t have wanted a new partner to potentially have a claim over part of my house if we split.

I feel like now it’s different as we have been together years and he is mortgage free, even if we did split moving forward he would have enough to buy his own place outright. He can only benefit from a shared mortgage surely? He’s putting a higher % in and so would get a higher % out.

Suggest "tenants in common", so let's say he has 250k (just using for example), and goes for a house worth 500k, he gets 50% ownership automatically, and then you get 25% and he gets 25% on the property under mortgage.

Meaning his money is protected, and you're not enhancing his fortune for no benefit.

If he is unwilling to consider, I'd be packing bags and go renting elsewhere.

You have managed to get yourself out of debt because you have been living mortgage and rent free due to him.

You wouldn't be without that.

You know also want to continue to live rent free - again.

I think he's absolutely right. You have poor finances. He has good ones.

I suspect that he will end up getting a tensnt for the new property to assist with the tent in reality. Not sure where that will leave you.

A wise choice for you both is to seek legal advice - ringfenced his contributions and possible split the repayments in accordance to thus also do if he contributes 90% overall that's his share.

You’re not even a tenant with rights like a notice period to leave.

I understand why he didn’t do it with his old house but you’re 4 years in and he must know if he sees this as a forever relationship or not. As you’re not married he could have protected his deposit and have you own a percentage of the rest relative to how much rent you can pay. What I mean is if repayments are £1000 and you’re paying £300 then you own 30% of the house (not the deposit ) sort of thing.

This.

Sorry if I wasn’t clear, I don’t expect an equal financial share of any future home, just what I put in.

Say for example his house sells for £150k and he has a £50k deposit and we buy a place for £300k. I’ll put in £10k deposit and we split the mortgage 50/50 so if we split he’d get £200k plus 50% of whatever equity whilst I’d get £10k plus 50% of equity.

He wants his next home to be his forever home, I guess, and in the event of a split with you, wouldn't want to have the hassle of selling.
You have come to the relationship with less than nothing, built up your credit thanks to him not charging you rent, you've only paid a contribution to bills in four years - lucky you. You have been in am amazing position thanks to him already. Use what you can to save for a deposit for a BTL (assuming you want to live in his nicer home), and let him enjoy what he has worked for (and yes, got lucky with an inheritance), whilst enabling you to at least get on the property ladder in case you need to exit.
Sadly, half of relationships don't last, so he is only being careful. It's not to say yours won't go the distance, but he is being sensible. And you brought nothing financial to the table, quite the opposite.

I don’t think I’d want to be in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t want to make sure all was fair for both. He is either being blind or intentional to your personal situation in a split. And yes if he cares about you now that should also be something he should be concerned about and vice versa. He’s also calling all the shots and seems to have all the power. This wouldn’t be for me.

You've been with him 4 years, he doesn't want to get married or let you have a stake in the house. So you have to look out for yourself and think about your own future.
It may be that living rent-free means that you can save for your own place. If you start paying rent, consider whether it's low enough to still allow you to save. Otherwise you'd be putting yourself at a disadvantage long term. I don't understand why you think that you won't be able to buy however long you save for..if you are not paying rent, surely you can save quite large amounts which would add up over the next few years. If you can't buy in the area you live in now, could you buy somewhere else?

Terrible advice to buy a BTL - don’t do this!! Save as much as you can in a tax efficient way (see a financial adviser if you need to). No one can tell you if it’s worth you staying with this man in these circs but you can definitely take steps to prepare yourself for a split or the death of your partner

Still a total PITA to sell. I'd be the same as him. I totally get your position. And your vulnerability. But if I were you, I'd be grateful for the financial help he's given you, you've got out of debt thanks to him, really, and be independent. I also think it's for your own benefit too, to have a place to escape to should you need it. Get a BTL, overpay when you can, and then it is your own fallback plan.

He could just as easily get another tenant in, if you don't agree.

It doesn't feel like your house Op because it's not. It doesn't matter what he says about it being your home, you have no legal claim and if you broke up or he died you'd have to leave. If you move to the bigger house you'll be paying rent and the bills will be higher so not really an advantage for you. If you've got your finances back in shape is there any chance of you buying a small place in a cheaper area, at least that would give you a home if something went wrong

I wouldn't be happy about this either if I were you. Yes you can't buy on your own but your rent would effectively help to pay his mortgage. Does he have a will or would you just lose your home if he died suddenly? I think you need to talk more with each other but also keep building your savings.

Yes, the tenants in common arrangement with agreed percentages would surely be a better way forward? Does he really want you to go through life with no security? If not, and if you choose to stay with him, I would consider buying an investment property which you rent out.

If you accept his plan, you're accepting that, for as long as you are with him, you will not be on the property ladder and your home is your home only as long as he permits.

There are ways of buying that would give you equity while safeguarding his position. It is selfish of him to not be prepared to consider moving forward in a way that would give you both a security tgat, at the moment, only he has.

@DoYouReallyno I haven’t been living ‘rent free’ the past 4yrs, I have been paying a contribution to the bills/running costs/paying for food etc which is roughly equivalent to a cheap rental price for the area. So essentially anything I’m ‘using’ day to day I pay towards but not the mortgage (at his insistence).