To not want to be DP’s tenant?

[barhumbug]

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

Absolutely do not become a renter in your own home that would be absolutely unfair to you to contribute to his potential mortgage on a new place and get nothing out of it. Your proposal of him ring fencing his money is fair. If he isn’t willing to go this route then this is not the relationship for you.

But hes not committed at all, is he? You have FAR less rights that a tenant and it will be the same in his next place . If your relationship ends he can put you out on the street without any notice.

You are crazy to be where you are now but at least you are not paying a lot of rent. Though I’m waiting to read that you do most of the housework because he earns more / has a demanding job / long commute etc . And that you pay for more than 50% when you go out etc . Is that right ?

You would be insane to agree to this deal going forward. As Pp have pointed out, there are legal mechanisms to ensure a fair split of the equity. So if he doesn’t what to treat you fairly and as an equal partner, why do you what to stay with him ?

Any man who expects you to live with no financial security for the rest of your life, just for the pleasure of shagging him is not a good man.

@Letstheriveranswer how would you suggest we demonstrate commitment without owning anything together, getting married or having children? Not a snarky question, I’m genuinely curious what else you can do to demonstrate commitment to each other since 2/3 of those are completely off the table for us?

invest only in what I need to be as secure as I can be in the future.

Do this. Don't hinge your financial security on a man.

Living with your DP for the past 4 years has allowed you to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings.

He’s been clear about his 5 year plan.

It’s up to you to secure your own financial future, and to be fair he’s given you a great start.

Unless you’re saying you could have lived alone elsewhere and still cleared debt and saved the same amount you’ve saved whilst living with him?

But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. You’ve done pretty well out of him so far.

Isn't that a question you should be asking him? How is he showing any commitment to you?

There’s no easy answer seen as 50% of relationships fail he’s being completely sensible

you are never going to be equal he has a house outright you have nothing

My worry is that we’ll get 5yrs down the road and he will decide that actually it’s too big a risk to take and then I’ll be in the position of wanting to break up rather than be his tenant. I’d rather know now if he has no intention of building that future with me so I’m not wasting my time and can invest only in what I need to be as secure as I can be in the future.

And that will effectively be five years you could have been paying your own mortgage, thus adding to your financial future. He’s being wishy washy with you because he benefits much more from your current living situation than you do, so doesn’t want you to leave.

I mean no marriage. No children. No joint mortgage/tenancy. There really is no commitment.

Your basically housemates who sleep together and enjoy each others company.

Either of you should end it tomorrow and there is nothing to untangle one of you either leaves or is kicked out.

Ask yourself this, OP. Why is your DP comfortable with the idea of you having no financial security in life? Why isn't he concerned that your relationship could fail some years down the line and leave you with absolutely nothing?

But as you are not paying rent to your partner, only a share of household bills, would you not have some money spare each month to save towards the repairs on a BTL?

If you did buy a house with your partner, it would also still need repairs which would need paying for 50/50, how would you afford that?

There is also landlords insurance against the risk of non-payment of rent.

There are places in the country where you can still buy a 2 bed new build house for £120k, and have the letting agents manage it.

I’m not @Letstheriveranswer but one idea would be to share the risks of your relationship equally. At the moment he has security and you have none.

You can’t have risk free commitment .

And it’s his choice not to marry. Again he doesn’t want the risk to his assets.

Of course if he is a fair man, he will understand that you can never have kids if you want everything to be 50:50. He can’t gestate and give birth to half a child. ( I undertand that you might not want kids either ).

Just because they weren't financially equal to start with, shouldn't mean that she remains a lodger forever. If she pays rent going forward, then OP probably wouldn't be able to save enough for a buy to let.
It isn't easy being a landlord these days in any case, and breaking even isn't even guaranteed.
I wouldn't want to be in a longterm relationship with someone who is essentially my landlord rather than my partner, and who could tell me to leave with no notice and with nothing.

there's only 2 of you unless you are expanding your family moving for parking and a guest room to the top of his budget is silly.

move somewhere more affordable that you can both contribute to or stay where you are. do not pay rent to him and help pay off his mortgage with no rights.

You can own a house together to show commitment, as PPs have advised, as tenants-in-common with your ownership share being reflected by what you contribute to a deposit and mortgage repayments (his ownership share would obviously be considerably larger than yours due to all the reasons you've given). This is an entirely fair arrangement for both of you and if you've already discussed this with your DP and you say he's OK with this suggestion, I don't see the problem. BUT, your original post isn't entirely clear: are you saying he wants you to start paying rent now, or in, say, five years time when he wants to upsize? If it's the former, this is not fair on you and you must not do it as you would have no guarantee of seeing any return on that money. For this reason, I've voted YANBU.

Why would she have nothing though? He has subsidied her living costs for a large part of the last 4 years allowing her to get out of debt. Why can’t she make her own financial contribution? She works, she does isn’t at home raising his kids so what is it his responsibility to ensure her financial security in the event of a split?

Well, she is quite entitled to leave and live somewhere else.

I still maintain that if the genders were reversed the answers on here would be different.

@Letstheriveranswer I suppose the way I’m thinking is that if I was on a mortgage with DP I’d only be paying the £500 mortgage plus bills so the extra £800 I’d save from not having to pay rent/mortgage on a second place would be my savings. If I had to pay that out to have my own place I’d have nothing left.

Why would it be his responsibility to facilitate OP's financial security, in the absence of any career or financial detriment arising from having children, if they're not doing this. If he were my son I'd be advising him to keep his finances seperate, and continue to do so.

Arguably she's in a much healthier financial position now than when they met, having enjoyed living in a nice property in a desirable part of town that wouldn't have been possible otherwise, plus being able to clear her debt and get back on her feet. She's already feeling the benefit.

Why would you assume you would only pay £500? Do you have any concept of interest rates and what size of a mortgage £500 would finance?

@Josiezu that would be just my half - it’s an example not a real figure on a real house.

It’s really not that easy to make money from one BTL, you could easily make a loss. Invest your spare cash elsewhere - I’m sure your BF has a pension and savings and investments.

Do you have wills - are you his beneficiary? Has he at least considered leaving you enough to house yourself? Same thing with a death in service payment/pension/life insurance.

Have you considered setting up power of attorney for each other for health and for finance?

Without these steps you could be together decades and have to move out with nothing if your partner died. You could also find that you are not considered next of kin for decision making re health decisions.

My guess is he wouldn't want to do these things because he is not committed to you. I Hope that is not the case.

Is it your choice to stay child free/not possible to have children or is it another of his choices that you have accepted?

Depends on what kind of future you want. If it’s a fully shared life, marriage, kids then this will not work. If you’re looking for an ltr, no kids, you need to buy somewhere yourself. You need a frank discussion about your future.

Even if he helped you get out of debt by not charging you rent that does not mean you are not entitled to want to build something for yourself now.

With you contributing to bills and food etc you also helped him afford his mortgage and white goods.

I think he is taking advantage of your position a little.

Your plan sounds good, or as someone else suggested buying yourself a little house as your investment if that is possible.

Do neither of you have kids? Does he have any plans to protect you if he suddenly died? Or would he be happy for his next of kin to put you out on the street?

After four years together I’d expect a partner to make some provision. Just in case.