To not want to be DP’s tenant?

[barhumbug]

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

This. ^ I bet if the OP was a man, and he was moaning that his girlfriend of just 4 years (who he lives with in the house SHE owns) won't let him on the mortgage, so he co-owns the house, the responses would be 'why do you think this woman owes you half her property?! Good for her for not giving in, and safeguarding herself and HER house.'

As people have said @barhumbug it looks like you can't afford to be co-owner anyway. OR to get him sell his house and buy a house with you.

I agree with other posters that he doesn't sound very committed though, and you need to find somewhere else to rent. And also, no, you are not a tenant. Tenants have certain rights. You have none. You are just a lodger. (Sorry, that sounds so rude and dismissive, but it's true.)

It's great that you've managed to get out of debt and on to an even keel, OP. Now you need to think about your future financial security. Whatever you do, don't become your DP's lodger, that would be a terrible mistake. All you would be doing is increasing his security while having none of your own. Stop being so understanding about him using you in this way! If buying a place with him as tenants in common isn't a goer, put as much money as you can into an ISA (which can be used for your own home later, regardless of whether you think now you won't be able to afford it) and also pay into a pension. You are coasting towards being in a really bad place when you're older if you don't take advantage of your affordable living situation now.

No, I wouldn’t be happy with that after that long. It’s fine to pay “rent” and not get any share of the house in a new relationship, but I agree that the power dynamics and risks would seem off to me as well. I’d say you’re happy to continue as you are (and save hard to hopefully buy a small place yourself), or

otherwise go in as tenants in common.

For the new house, get his contribution protected and then share equity on the rest. My daughter did this.

The long and short of all this is whether or not it will cost you more to live with him or live elsewhere?

If it's cheaper live with him and you still want to, then ask for a tenancy agreement so he can't just make you homeless at any stage?

If it's cheaper live independently, leave him and rent with the benefit of having tenant protection.

Your suggestion of ring fencing his deposit and then splitting equity isn't a fair or viable option for him or anyone in his position? He doesn't see this as a life long commitment and has been very clear about that. It's your move next- he has been very clear.

I think you need to have a long talk with him.
I totally understand his point of view (as someone who also lost everything). But you are also in a very vulnerable position. You need to be proactive in securing your future.
In your position I would say that, in light of his position regarding the house and any future house purchase, you want to recalculate finances. I would then work out exactly 50% of utilities and food costs and 25% of council tax. That would be how much I would be willing to contribute to joint expenses.
The rest of my income I would be saving towards a deposit and personal expenses. When you have enough you can buy a small buy to let. Not with the idea of making a huge profit just so you have some security. Yes, you may be worse off some months but you are building security and a future for yourself.
You would probably be happier in your relationship knowing that you are not trapped.

You're absolutely right that you should have a share of the investment. He's being very unfair.

Tenants in Common in the percentages that you contribute with ring fenced deposits.

Me and my partner were exactly the same- he lived in my flat and I made damn sure he paid £0 towards mortgage or any of the work I had done.

After a couple of years once we were sure it was a good fit, I sold the flat and we bought a much bigger house together. We bought as tenants in common and my larger deposit is protected should we split.

Could you suggest this “deal” to him? You go to a solicitor and make a contract basically that splits the equity on sale so everything is “fair”.

I don’t think that you should be paying substantial rent tbh- you’ll be paying off his mortgage without the opportunity to save for your own future.

You could pay a token rent whilst purchasing your own investment property in a cheaper area? Or have other investments such as stocks and shares.

He's taking the piss really
Or looking after himself.
After all ,a woman in the same situation as the boyfriend asking for advice on mn would more than likely to be advised to do what he is doing especially with someone who is not in a good financial position.

the only rent that’s fair in this situation is 50% of the interest portion of the new mortgage- since he keeps the equity part you shouldn’t have to contribute to that. That should be low enough for you to build up your own equity be it savings or a BTL

No he was looking after himself, now he is looking to increase his wealth at the expense of his dp of four years.

But this isn't what is happening.

He is wanting to buy a better, bigger more expensive house, but he can't really afford it, so he wants OP to subsidise his ability to buy it, without giving her any stake or security in the property. This is massively taking the piss.

If can't really afford it, he can't really afford it. He shouldn't be using OP to be able to afford it without giving her any rights to the property.

But this isn't what is happening.
He is wanting to buy a better, bigger more expensive house, but he can't really afford it, so he wants OP to subsidise his ability to buy it, without giving her any stake or security in the property. This is massively taking the piss.
If can't really afford it, he can't really afford it. He shouldn't be using OP to be able to afford it without giving her any rights to the property.

He's been burned financially before in a past relationship and you came in with debt. You've managed to clear the debt due to the low "rent" equivalent you've been contributing. The only way you'll be his equal property wise is if he sells the current house, and you jointly buy something and go in equally on it, while he ringfences the rest of his equity. But I'm guessing you'd rather be in the more expensive house in the nice area, and so would he.

You can't have it all the ways, if you want to own property you're going to have to paddle your own canoe and start from the bottom, you can't expect him to provide any more of a leg up than he is doing I don't think.

Absolutely this is what is happening.

Well you can but you also leave yourself wide open at times to vulnerability.
Yes he’s done well buying a home and wonderful he got an inheritance. But this move seems to be all about. Who is arsed about guest facilities when you have absolutely no rights?
Why can’t you just stay where you are now?
He sounds sensible but also very self-serving. You are supposed to be partners not landlord/tenant.

Sorry OP, but he doesn't sound that into you. Please look after your own interests, life doesn't sound like it's been kind so far.

If you stay with him and you are under 40, open a Lifetime ISA (LISA) account for yourself. That will get you some government help to either buy your own home or save for later life. Also build some other savings and stack up your pension, gaining tax relief. At least then you'll have a bit of security.

This and he's clearly had his fingers burnt in the past. But if you are partners, it seems fair and reasonable that you share a house together including being on the deeds.

No he was looking after himself, now he is looking to increase his wealth at the expense of his dp of four years
If you were in boyfriends shoes what would you do?
There doesn't seem to be a longterm relationship plan going on. There's no talk of marriage or engagement ( unless I've missed it) 🤔
If I was the op I would be considering all my options including the relationship.

You seem to be suggesting the only way for him to treat you like an “equal partner” is to essentially give you a lump of cash if you were to split.
I wouldn’t advise anyone in a dating relationship to buy a property with such a large financial imbalance.

I have chatted with DP about this and proposed essentially what most of you are suggesting about ringfencing deposits, equity etc and he did seem to be on board with the idea but also quite wishy washy and unsure. He admitted that he doesn’t like the idea of sharing the risk/responsibility as it is a bit of a gamble that you’ll lose out if the relationship breaks down. I get that, I really do.

My worry is that we’ll get 5yrs down the road and he will decide that actually it’s too big a risk to take and then I’ll be in the position of wanting to break up rather than be his tenant. I’d rather know now if he has no intention of building that future with me so I’m not wasting my time and can invest only in what I need to be as secure as I can be in the future.

Committed to what?? A few nice holidays? God you’re naive. He’s a walking Reg Flag. 🚩🚩🚩

This isn’t a proper partnership but a Friends with benefits situation, all on his terms.

You're currently thinking short term but what about old age when you’re on a meagre pension and he wants to treat himself to a new car/holiday etc. and you’re struggling to pay for your car to be fixed? Or you get sick before that and are unable to work and contribute?

Unless a long term partner demonstrates their genuine commitment to you and is willing to share everything 50/50 then I’d walk away from this situation as it will leave you fucked in 10/20 yrs time. Just read many of the regular threads on here from women who’ve been dumped for a younger model or dumped when they’ve been diagnosed with a serious illness and the ‘partner’ doesn’t want to become a carer. It’s no use thinking ‘it won’t happen to me’ because you don’t have a crystal ball.

He admitted that he doesn’t like the idea of sharing the risk/responsibility as it is a bit of a gamble that you’ll lose out if the relationship breaks down. I get that, I really do.

Yes, it's a risk for him whereas the way he's suggesting he knows he'll do well financially in part at your expense. And if you follow his plan, there's no gamble for you at all. You've lost before you start.

I understand where he is coming from as nobody wants to have to sell their home if a relationship breaks down. And I'd advise my children this way as well.

But its not comfortable being on the other end of that.

He is basically saying that life is unpredictable and anything can happen, even in a relationship that seems good.

You see buying a home together as a sign of commitment and trust in the relationship, but I would say we can commit in all sorts of ways but without risking our financial and home security.

I think you also need to think like he is, and use your improved financial position to buy yourself a buy-to-let as an investment. Something you would also be happy to live in if necessary. That way, if things go wrong you also have something that is totally your own.

If things continue to work out, you will be two independent people, who would each be fine alone and who are together from choice. And that's a lovely way to be.

This.
tenants in common.
if he doesn’t want that, then ditch him. He definitely isn’t into a future with you, just a house.