To not want to be DP’s tenant?

[barhumbug]

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

I would have to carefully consider if I wanted a life with someone so determined to keep me at arms reach. I don't think I would.

I agree that you have already financially benefitted from living with him, but he has too by having someone to split some bills with and by not sharing his wealth with his partner as most long term partners do.

If you are really happy to continue without marrying him, then I think you should insist on contributing to the new place, ring fencing contributions. If he won't budge, then I'd see that as him wanting to keep his own options open and I wouldn't want to give up my security to be the "for now" plan in anyone's life...

Frankly, after 4 years together, and having lived together for a while, I’d be looking to get married. If he’s not thinking about proposing, forget the house and move on.

Why should you get an equal share of the equity when you are benefiting from his leverage. This is unfair.

If the move wouldn't happen for five years, and you currently don't have to pay any rent or mortgage, could you see yourself saving enough during that time for a property of your own to fall back on? You could possibly rent it out? I would make that a condition.

I understand the setting with his current property, but I wouldn't be confortable with the lack of commitment after 4 years.
Because ultimately that's it comes down to, if he was committed to the relationship there wouldn't be any issue in sharing ownership of a house.
Although I guess it depends on your age as well, the expectation in your 20s is different than later in life.

I also understand why it wouldn't be "fair" for you to live for free in his house, but that's not what you are asking for.

It's the fact that 1) he makes long term plans for his future that don't involve you, but also 2) he is in the position to help you invest for your future and doesn't want to.

Someone upthread mentioned death, that one would need nailed down too. It happened to a friend whose home-owner partner died suddenly and who then ended up having no claim on the house at all.

But you aren't putting in 50% of the deposit. Since he's mortgage free, his deposit would be more like £150k in your example. It's this money that's doing the work (and has an opportunity cost for him), not your monthly mortgage payment. I don't see why you should benefit from that. Paying the mortgage is the easy bit.

I don’t Blame him. Who wants to put 200k into a house to walk away with 200k plus an even split of profit. His higher deposit is what would give a larger house in a more desirable area with is likely to increase much more in value than some 100k house in rat ally.

Also hardly you need him he doesn’t need you. He can buy that house and get a lodger and be in the exactly same place minus the girlfriend financially. Dumb move on his behalf to be worse off.

This man of four years hasn’t even proposed and is financially savvy. Either marry or separate tbh because he knows how he wants his life and it really doesn’t seem to matter if you’re there or not.

I see your position and understand how vulnerable you are but in his shoes, I would do exactly the same as him to be honest.

This is how it should be done. Suggest this to him. If he doesn’t agree, walk away because he’s not in it for the long term and he doesn’t care that he’s taking advantage of you. When DH and I bought our first house (before we got married) I put in the whole deposit from inheritance so owned that proportion of the house as ‘tenants in common’. We then split the ownership of the remaining mortgaged amount between us. This was never an issue for me or my husband because we saw a future together.

True - he does seem to want it all his own way, doesn't he ...... All the benefits of marriage but none of the commitment.

Have you discussed your long term plans as a couple? Do you want to get married? Have kids? Do you see each other in your long term futures?
While I can’t blame him for wanting to protect what is his incase you split, this also sounds like a deeply transactional relationship - or certainly for him. What he’s building is for himself, not for you both as a couple. It feels like he’s protecting himself at all cost, which is holding him back from a full commitment to you. You’re an ancillary in his life, and after 4 years I’d really be wanting more.

@AvengersAssembIe I can’t afford to buy my own place as my wages are too low - the most I could hope for is a shared ownership place and then I’d have to pay rent and mortgage there. I really really don’t want to be a landlord, I don’t have the money to cover repairs etc or take tenants to court if they don’t leave as it would completely drain my savings for the deposit. It would be a bad idea.

The way I figure it, if I got my own place to rent out is this:

(for example)
£400 mortgage on my house
£400 rent to housing company
£500 rent to DP (50% of new mortgage cost as ‘rent’ to him)

Thats £1300 just in housing costs, I’d have nothing to save and everything else I earn would go on bills/normal expenses. It wouldn’t work.

You have been living rent free.

You would still have a contribution to bills, running costs and food even if you lived on your own.

You haven't been paying all those costs - you have been paying a contribution.

As said it's very difficult to feel like equal partners when one of you is much wealthier than the other.
Perhaps you're financially incompatible 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think the problem you have is with your relationship. Maybe stand back and look at what he's doing rather than what he says (or isn't saying)?

If you're willing to accept the relationship on his terms of no commitment you should at least be saving to ensure you have a roof over your head in the event he finds someone to whom he can commit - which I hope for your sake never happens.

I absolutely agree with this.

I wouldn't be happy with this. If you could afford to make a contribution to the deposit, you could both ring-fence your individual contributions to the deposit and then go on the mortage as tenants in common with an agreed percentage split.

What would he say if you refused his proposals for you to pay him rent and told him that you would move out?

But you then aren't factoring in the rental income on this, so your maths doesn't work.

But there's nearly always a disparity in earnings, one way or another. I'm all for protecting your interests and investments, but if you want a life partner you have to be prepared to cut them in a bit!

Hell no, I wouldn’t tolerate this, op.
He just wants his cake and to eat it.
If he loved you and wanted the best for you he’d be sympathetic and would try to support you in your less fortunate circumstances by doing some form of agreement as outlined above whereby you have a stake in the new property that you’ll be paying to live in.
I think this is a test of his commitment op. To me, he sounds flaky as fuck tbh.

This is the most sensible option.

If you were posting this exact same scenario but were the homeowner, people would be advising you to do everything possible to avoid him having a claim to your property (quite rightly) so the same should apply.

He's not that into you.

I'm not married, have been with my partner 20 years. 15 years ago we bought a house together.

It's literally only just crossed my mind from reading your thread that what your DP is suggesting is possible. I wouldn't have wanted that as it would put either me or my partner in a very vulnerable and unequal position.

There are some major trust issues going on that he's not even talking about the equity split with you and wants to own alone. The fact that he isn't indicates that he's thought about the prospect of a breakup as a possible option and wants to continue living there without you both having to sell to release the amounts of money you both contributed.

I get that, I do, and I feel for you. But he's then left propping you up, in your plan to buy with him, and he's worse off if you split. Been there, done that, never again. I don't think there is an easy answer for both of you.
If he were my child, I'd be proud he was looking after his future finances, not risking it. If you were my child, I'd be sad you hadn't gotten the financial security on your own, and wish someone would come and sweep you off your feet and help you.

I think you need a big talk, and find a solution that doesn't leave you so vulnerable, but that doesn't risk his home that he's put most of the money into, that the favourable mortgage terms are agreed upon because of his deposit, and you are basically as valuable financially as any old lodger.