To not want to be DP’s tenant?

[barhumbug]

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

Time to have the chat. Where is this relationship going? I wouldn't move into the new place with him unless I was on the mortgage and I wouldn't do that unless I was married so I think move in somewhere by yourself and think hard about this relationship.

He clearly doesn’t want to risk losing his home if you split and that includes any home he moves too. He’s being bloody sensible if you ask me. No way would I risk my home no matter how much I loved someone.
However, you should try and get yourself a property, no matter how small to ensure your future.

Um no.

I wouldn't agree to that- and it would piss me off if you thought you could have that. It shows you don't understand and that would ring alarm bells.

You are using significantly more of his capital and yet taking 50% of the profits without sharing 50% of the risk.

You can't have a tenant in a house you're living in. It would be a lodger.
Anyway it's hardly comparable - how many people take a lodger when their relationship breaks down? Hardly any, surely

100%. I'd rather have the financial security, than trust, which can disappear or fail.

To all those talking about marriage - no we won’t be getting married. He is dead against and made it quite clear early on. I’ve accepted this as I understand you can still be committed without marriage.

I meant lodger, sorry.

Well, needs must. I'd rather get a lodger in, than someone who might be entitled to my home ten years down the line.

Accept that your only ever be his girlfriend and lodger then or time to move on basically.

@tropicalrosestrue, I hadn’t factored that in but I’d only get that rental income if I got it every month on time with no break in between tenants and everything went perfectly. I won’t have the money to repair or replace things if they break as I’ll have used all my savings for the deposit. I can’t take the risk!

But what about what you want?

Ding ding ding!!!!

so basically he wants everything his way - all the benefits of marriage & none of the commitment

for godsake don’t have children with him

I was your DP in this situation. I had the house and (now) DH was a low earned. However we knew we were getting married & so I put his name on the deeds of the house because we were making a legal commitment to each other through marriage. 25 years later we now own a larger mortgage free house together and he earns more than me

this is about more than the house, it’s about shared life goals and long term plans

He is trying to financially abuse you.
after 4 years get married/commit or break up.

https://www.theguardian.com/money/2025/mar/15/buying-a-home-jointly-house-prices

First impressions suggest that he only wants to build his future security, not yours. If he is otherwise a fantastic partner, suggest tenants in common and a % split to represent your different deposit ammounts and earning capacities.

If he reacts positively to a shared house, even if it's a 80/20 split, then he was just unaware that it was an option.

If he refused this option, he just wants you to finance his own security, and you can 100% do and deserve better.

Huh? Financially abuse her ? How exactly?

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law-information/

Look at the "living together" guide, it will also tell you everything you need to know about joint property ownership when unmarried.

He doesn’t love you enough to commit, is the plain truth.

In your shoes, I would stay in the relationship for the time being and be more aggressive with saving to comfortably get a mortgage of my own, or a BTL (maybe somewhere in a different and cheaper part of the country). Or a shared ownership flat. Forget his future - your first priority should be YOUR future.

He isn’t really committed though. With this arrangement, he has all the financial security and you have none.

@AvengersAssembIe Honestly life has not been very kind to me up until recently. I’ve survived 2 lots of SA, had multiple abusive relationships, a marriage to a massive cocklodger who drained me dry and left me paying off his debts (which I’ve now finally managed to do) and I’ve clawed my way out of deep depression more than once. A few years before I met DP my mental health was on the floor and I was literally homeless sleeping on a friend’s sofa. I know now that whatever happens with DP and I, I’m independent enough to be ok. I just would really like for us to have something together that would benefit us both.

I’m not unreasonable. I understand he has worked very hard for his home and I wouldn’t want to take any of that away from him.

Another way to suggest this…mentally divide the house into 4 parts - his deposit, your deposit, his share of mortgage, your share of mortgage.

lets use 100 as a total. His deposit is 50, yours is 10 and you decide to share the remaining 40 equally.

im going to assume prices rise and you pay off some of the mortgage.

house now worth 200. Total deposit share 60%) now worth 120. Split that 100:20 same proportion as you put in. You’ve paid off 10 of mortgage so now owe 30 of remaining 80 to mortgage company. Split 50 left equally because you paid mortgage equally. If you hadn’t paid it equally you could change split to match. He gets 125 you get 45

a different way:

or you could say the total you’ve each paid towards house (deposit plus repayment) in this case would be 60+5 and 10+5 so pay mortgage off leaves you 170 split in proportion 65:15 he gets 138 you get 32

can argue fairness about either - it’s quite an extreme difference because I’ve used house prices doubling.

either way you each get back an amount related to what you put in. Simplest solution is to pay repayment part of mortgage in same proportion as deposit and split interest costs equally…then when you sell split total equity in same proportion.

If I were you, I'd try and buy my own place, however small, so that you always have it to fall back on, and feel like you own something.

I agree with this. Then you'll always have a roof over your head for life. Or money in the bank if you sell it.

Men come and go in my experience. A wise woman makes sure she has thought ahead about her own independence.

@Theeyeballsinthesky we don’t have children and don’t want any. We will be staying childfree.

Yanbu I wouldn't want to do that sorry

Also - you're his partner! This hassle over money shouldn't be happening - he's the more well off one, he should be happy to take care of the housing costs - unpopular but my opinion

Doesn't want to get married (presumably due to asset sharing and you 'getting everything')
Doesn't want kids (neither do you though)
Doesn't want you to pay rent as he doesn't want you to have a claim on his home if you split - i presume that he's said this to you?
Now wants you to be a lodger?

You need to focus on taking care of yourself, sorry, as i sense this man won't.

Building a life with a man and his priority is himself, not you! x

This. The setup has also enabled you to get out of debt. I don't really blame him.

You can't buy on your own, so it's a shit situation for you, I get that. But it would be worse if you had debt on top.

It’s his house he owns. Put the money you are saving on living costs into savings just in case you do split.

I agree with this. Think hard about this relationship. You are just “miss right niw” not miss right.

Up until now it has been beneficial to you both—he got a lovely live in companion who paid her own way and was at his beck and call and he was free to invest solely for himself in his main asset. Now he wants you to also invest in his asset but with no return/security for yourself. He will keep you as his fun playmate and make you pay for the privilege.

Good relationships endure—mine has lasted 35 years from dating, 30 from marriage. There were long stretches where I did not contribute financially. Now my dh is retired and I am working. But we had a shared long term commitment to each other—our asset accumulation was in service of us both. We carefully saved and invested for each other with both our security in mind.

You can’t be half in and half out financially and fully in romantically. All this unmarried partner crap is just folly for the lower earner. Better to live apart and date for sex and lukewarm companionship than to pay your limited resources to make someone else an owner of property. How any man or woman can be willing to see their “partner “ at risk of homelessness or poverty us beyond me.