To not want to be DP’s tenant?

[barhumbug]

DP and I have been together almost 4yrs. I moved in with him as he owns his own home and at the time we met I was in shared accommodation so it made a lot more sense. He has always wanted me to feel like it’s ‘my’ home rather than me living in his house but I can’t help but still feeling like I am. He’s never made me feel that way but it’s always in the back of my mind that I am and I hoped that one day this would change.

Since I moved in he has refused to allow me to contribute a penny to anything related to the house. I give a contribution to bills but that’s it. Mortgage, white goods that need replacing etc have all been paid by him 100%. I have offered to contribute to white goods but he has refused. I understand completely his reluctance to allow me to contribute to the mortgage as he doesn’t want me having any kind of claim to any part of his house if we were to split. Fair enough, I absolutely understand, he worked really hard to buy his home and I wouldn’t want to take away any part of that.

Due to an inheritance he has now paid off the mortgage in full so is mortgage free. Fantastic! He is now thinking about potentially upgrading to a bigger property with parking as we live in a very desirable area and parking is a nightmare. Plus maybe having an extra bedroom for guests to visit etc.

However, property is expensive here and the size/type he is looking at would be right at the top of his budget, meaning his living costs would increase a lot with a new mortgage. Basically, he could just about afford it on his own but it would be a stretch. His plan, as it currently stands is for me to pay ‘rent’ as a contribution to housing costs but I wouldn’t be on the mortgage or have a claim to any part of the house so he would keep everything in the event of a split.

Due to a combination of unfortunate circumstances when I met DP I was in the process of digging myself out of debt and had no savings. Since then I’m very proud of myself in that I’ve managed to completely clear my debts, rebuild my credit rating to excellent and have a few grand in savings. As such I have very little chance of getting a property on my own but we could easily afford a decent place together with our joint earnings.

Aibu in thinking I’m not ok with this? It doesn’t make sense (to me) for him to stretch himself super thin just to be able to keep 100% of the risk and responsibility of a new house while I pay him ‘rent’ and effectively build nothing for myself? I will obviously continue to save as much as I can anyway but I still would have no chance of buying my own place if we split in the future. He doesn’t have any immediate plans to buy, he’s thinking ahead for 5yrs time to enable him to
build a bigger deposit for a new place. He could change his mind in that time as by then we would have been together almost 9yrs but I’m not
sure I want take that risk. I see us very much as being in a long term, potentially life long partnership and I really want us to have something that is ‘ours’ and currently there is nothing. All our finances are separate, we won’t be getting married as he is staunchly against it. I’ve come to terms with that and I’m ok with it as I understand his reasoning but for some reason this feels like a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m sure he does love me and very much also sees us as a life long partnership but I know he also got badly burned by a previous long term partner and narrowly avoided losing his home when they split so I’m sure that’s a big factor here.

I just really don’t want to be his ‘tenant’. I want to be an equal partner and if this goes ahead I will still feel like I’m ’living in his house’ no matter how much he wants me to see it as ‘ours’. I can’t quite explain but it feels like the power dynamic would be totally off. I’m not even sure how the logistics would work, would I have a tenancy agreement etc?

I’m not sure if I’m making a bigger deal of it than it is? Tbh I’m only in the position I’m in now because of his encouragement and support and this feels a bit like I’m throwing my toys out the pram if I don’t get my way. I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what is, in every other sense a fantastic relationship.

*We don’t have kids and will be staying child free so no need to worry about any of that!

This indicates that you have been living rent free as you have paid towards other costs and bills but nothing for actual "rent" or "mortgage". If the amount was equivalent to rent you would have had rent plus hills if renting alone.

The OP didn't come to the relationship with financial security, she came with debts but now has savings because of him.

There is a point when reading responses which more or less set out the same facts.

And the OP cannot or is unwilling to recognise the reality of her situation.

And will not even engage and recognise that she appears to be repeating the responses in her past which led to poor outcomes.

All that can be hoped for is that these responses on MN gives her pause for thought.

He’s not acting like he’s in this for the long haul OP.
As others have said, you could buy a house together and could ring fence his deposit to protect his contribution, but you could build up some equity too.
I’m sure he knows this but is acting suprised by you suggesting it.
it seems he’d rather you just stay as his lodger girlfriend subsidising his larger home while having no security yourself.
Push him on this and consider whether it’s time to move out if he is going to want you to start paying more to live with him in the new house. This plus the not wanting to get married suggests this one isn’t a keeper.

I think you should tell him you're not up for paying rent so either you buy together ( with a deed of trust protecting him) or you stay where you are or you move out (and be someone else's lodger / buy your own place and just stay over at his/ but he'll be in charge of all the decor and cleaning and cooking at his own house now!)

If he won't marry ever what's the plan long term re old age and wills etc
Would he be up for a civil partnership

That's not rent though

I would be very uncomfortable in your position. I agree with you that his plans leave you extremely vulnerable.

He holds all the cards

We had a similar arrangement but then got married and set up tenants in common protecting the equity from my home when we bought a new home then again revised figures when we moved a second time , only me on mortgage but pay 50/50 for everything and that way DH benefits from any increase in house value plus the equity built up from last two properties

Three choices..
Let him buy a smaller house (or stay where he is) and you save a deposit for your own investment house.

Buy the larger house as tenants in common with unequal shares to reflect what you both contribute.

Buy two properties together. One large and one small both as tenants in common with the understanding that if you split up you take over the mortgage of the smaller home and he, the larger one.

I think as things stand OP, I would let things ride for the moment and continue to quietly save. Then, if he decides that he does want to go for the bigger house, I would tell him that either we agree to buy together, with percentages agreed, and protected, OR I would be buying alone, and we either end the relationship, or continue the relationship, on the basis of not living together, but being friends with benefits if you will. I definitely wouldn't move in and be paying him rent, that would be a fools game for you, leaving you totally vulnerable, and if he's not prepared to make a full commitment to the relationship, then you're better off living apart, each paying your own expenses. He can then get a lodger in if that's how he plans to fund buying HIS bigger house, and you, of course, could do likewise.

I bought a house with my then DP (now DH) in a similar situation. He was older with a decent chunk of savings for a deposit, whereas I had no savings. So we worked out what my share was based on the amount I would be contributing to the mortgage vs. what he would be contributing to the mortgage (and taking account of him putting in the whole deposit) and split ownership accordingly.

It means only 20% of the house is in my name and the rest is in his name. The legal term for this is "tenants in common in unequal shares". It was pretty straightforward for our solicitor to set this up.

Exactly. She can grow her own money too

This relationship is very much on his terms only. You have very little say in anything. What are you working towards exactly—no marriage, no kids, no commitment, no home? What is the actual point of this relationship? I think you need to wake up and start focusing on yourself before you end up with nothing.

Fucking hell that’s not financial abuse.

What do you think will happen when she lives elsewhere? She will pay towards someone’s mortgage by rent with no amount of the capital going to her.

OP is in her 40s without a penny to her name even though he’s allowed her to live rent free for almost 4 years, no way in hell I would financially tie myself to someone like that.

OP if he cannot afford to buy the house without your rent then he can not afford the house without your contribution.

You on the other hand can not afford to move and pay rent as you can not afford the opportunity to not save towards your own deposit and housing in future.

As he is protecting his interests, you should be able to as well - to be fair.

And there it is

He is not committed and never will be. Why is your bar so low? Seriously, step back and think about what you want as right now you’re heading towards a tenant with benefits at best.

What would happen if she didn't live with him? He'd be covering the increased costs without her contribution. They both benefit from this arrangement, although her more than him and that needs to be reflected.

The current arrangement in the existing property is fine. She doesn't pay towards the mortgage and doesn't get the benefit of owning a share. That's fair.

But he's suggesting that he buys a bigger property, she started contributing to the cost of the mortgage, but she doesn't get anything in return. That would be wrong.

In 5 years time … perhaps he’s making the point that if she can’t financially contribute to a joint property after almost a decade of rent free then it’s her own fault which is why he refuses to tie himself to her.

Buy the house together but get him to ring fence the deposit he puts down and split the mortgage equally from now on. That way, he's protecting his contribution but you are both now paying into a property. If he refuses then I'd question the relationship. Go and get a one -off consultation with a solicitor.

You have just made that up out of nowhere at all 😂

How have I made it up? The OP has said they will not be able to put down equal deposits to buy together. Why not? She’s clarified that it’s in 5 years time and that she pays no rent and hasn’t for the last 4 years and that the boyfriend doesn’t expect any rent from her for the next 5 years either.
She said she “might have 10k” to put in. She should be able to save significantly more than £100 a month!

You can get a solicitor to write a contract called a decrelatuon of trust, it does exactly what you said, it states the deposit you are both putting in & what percentage you'd get back if you split, so property sells, you both get back your initial deposit, the remaining amount is split 50/50. He and you are then both legally protected.

If he won't agree to this, then seriously consider leaving. I understand he wants to protect himself, but he should equally understand you want to protect yourself. I don't want you on mumsnet in years to come saying, well it's happened, I'm homeless again, relationship fell apart & I have nothing from my input (rent) over the years.

Good luck, look after yourself

Wise words, Isinglass20

It's a given that to many on MN all men are automatically in the wrong, but though of course it's impossible it would be interesting to hear the DP's take on all this ... edited to add especially around what's been learned from those poor outcomes in the past

A deed of trust would indeed protect their relative investments, @user1485851222, but as PPs have said it wouldn't prevent OP trying to block a sale if the relationship failed - something which I'd expect the DP to have thought of

There's also no knowing what OP's capable of saving since despite being asked she hasn't mentioned whether she's even working, and that's something else which might inform the DP's views on all this